Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Quincy M.E. star spotted leaving Michael Jackson death scene.

Quincy star Jack Klugman has been spotted leaving the Hollywood mansion where Michael Jackson died last week. Klugman, who is 87-years-old, starred as a renowned coroner in the 1970s television series "Quincy M.E.".

Klugman speaks briefly to reporters outside Michael Jackson's mansion.

His appearance at the Jackson mansion has fuelled speculation of foul play in the death of the troubled singer last Thursday, although Klugman played down rumors that he had been brought in to investigate. "I'm just a retired actor now," said Klugman outside Jackson's home "Yes, I have some fictional experiences, but I don't really want to comment too much right now...I'm just looking around and don't want to say anything more until I have spoken with a toxicologist."

Klugman tours the rehearsal stages.

Later, Klugman was spotted touring the location where rehearsals were underway for Jackson's upcoming tour, but again declined to elaborate on his role. Neither the Jackson family nor the Los Angeles coroner's office has been willing to confirm that Klugman has been brought in officially to investigate the death of Michael Jackson.

Jacko's dad: "I had a feather in my shoe."

Michael Jackson's father Joe Jackson has issued a statement defending a fit of laughter he appeared to have during a press conference on Monday outside his late son's former home.

"Of course I was devastated, the same way that Michael would have been devastated had Jordan Chandler died and not been able to talk anymore," he said in a written statement, adding "What happened was that during the part where I was promoting my new music label, I had this feather in my shoe and couldn't stop laughing despite my overwhelming grief at the death of what's-his-money, I mean Michael."

Loving every minute...

Monday, June 29, 2009

David Hasselhoff: "Michael Knight is now the world's most famous living Michael".

Troubled actor David Hasselhoff has released a statement reacting to the passing of singer Michael Jackson, who died last Thursday. In the statement, Hasselhoff says that "The character that I created back in the 1980s not knowing how huge a phenomenon he would be - Michael Kinght - is now the world's most famous living Michael. I am not surprised." Mr Hasselhoff also paid tribute to his own abilities, stating "I am ready to accept this huge responsibility. From now on, when kids scream 'We love you Michael!' there will be no confusion about whom they are directing these words at - me."

In the statement released by Mr Hasselhoff's office over the weekend, the actor also addressed the long history of the Michael Knight character and sought to clarify just what the new "Knight Rider" TV series meant for him: "What is most important is that my role has not and will not be re-cast. The actor playing Michael Knight is the estranged son of the real Michael Knight, whose real name is Michael Long; the son's real name is Michael Traceur and he only later changes it to Michael Knight. This fact is clearly stated in the pilot so if any of your friends think that the Michael Knight of the new show is the same role I played, but re-cast, please just laugh in their faces and explain to them that such a legendary role could never be re-cast. Again, just to underline, please make absolutely sure that they are completely clear on this very important point. Also, please feel free to visit my website or Facebook page to convey your love and respect for Michael Knight (starring me) and Mitch Buchanan (also starring me - also will not ever be re-cast)."

Friday, June 26, 2009

One paper has different priorities (or went to bed early).

The Guardian from the U.K.

Note to celebs: don't f**k with what nature gave you.

Give your money to charity instead...There's plenty of kids that really need plastic surgery.

Reports: Jackson unhappy with non-corporeal form.

Michael Jackson's soul is denying reports that it is unhappy with its new non-corporeal form and that it is seeking to make alterations to its apperance. "We are an artist soul that suffers from a unique form of Vitiligo" said Jackson's soul "And so certain changes are inveitable."

Catholic churches: Doors shut today in tribute to Jackson.

The Vatican has announced that Catholic churches across the world will close their doors today as a mark of respect with regards to the passing of Michael Jackson. Speaking of the decision, the Pope said "He wasn't a Catholic, but in one key way, Michael Jackson really was one of us." The Pope did not elaborate what this "key way" was.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson to be told of Fawcett's passing...

UPDATE II: Michael Jackson is said to be in complete shock at the news...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

BREAKING: Farrah Fawcett still dead. This is clearly going to be the biggest celebrity death story of the day!! UPDATES SOON!

Farrah Fawcett upstaged!

F**k that plastic guy, I'm dead!!!

New threat: North Korea threatens to destroy entire universe.

The North Korean regime has issued its latest daily threat - today threatening to destroy the "entire universe" if it does not get what it wants. In a statement issued by the official North Korean news agency, the regime said:

"With one crushing blow, we will crush the enemies of our people and crush to shreds and dust the entire universe. We will deal a fatal blow and cast like flies to the wind the parasites who gnaw at the flesh of our great Republic. Our mighty clenched fist will hammer with a mighty thud and squash like rats all who oppose us. Be warned that today is the day when the entire universe will weep and marvel at our huge power, thrust onto the Earth like an untamed lion roaring at its feeble prey! Our claws will rip apart the savages; our might will have the world trembling; our power will unleash a huge force of power like none the world has ever known. PS can we have some food, please (and some new DVDs for the Great One - you know, the guy that pretends he was born on some magical hill instead of in Khabarovsk in the Soviet Union? He really is great fun once you get to know him)?"

In a separate statement, the regime boasted that it had made use of one of it's most renowned poets to write the "potent" phrases.

John Boehner finally reveals which sun-tan lotion he uses.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Buzz Aldrin and William Shatner to swap roles during Apollo 11 anniversary.

Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, has agreed to swap places with Star Trek star William Shatner for the duration of the upcoming fortieth anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landings, it was announced today. Aldrin has traditionally been the public face of the first moon landing, which took place on July 20th 1969, while the first man on the moon Neil Armstrong has largely shunned the media.

Speaking of the decision, Aldrin said "I really feel that I have said everything I can possibly say about what it felt like to be on the moon, if I was jealous of Neil being first, or whether I was ever worried that we may not return...this way, Bill Shatner will get to answer those questions, while I will sub for him, answering questions about whether I thought that Star Trek would ever be so popular, how I felt when it was cancelled and why I won't admit to wearing a toupee (Aldrin never did). I think that we are both relieved to be talking about something new."

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Politico asks: "Why doesn't Nico Pitney just write a loaded headline that ends with a question-mark instead of doing all that reporting?"

In a major article, Politico has accused Huffington Post reporter Nico Pitney of "showing off" with his coverage of the Iran protests. Pico has been running Huffington Post's live coverage of the situation in Iran since it erupted - collating materials from a host of sources, sifting through hundreds of emails, Twitter feeds, YouTube videos and even soliciting Iranians to forward him a question to ask the President of the United States during Tuesday's press conference.

However, following the press conference, the online journal Politico accused Pitney of "trying to be a smart-ass" with his Iran coverage and asked "Why does he have to do all that real reporting? Why can't he just do what we at Politico do: take things that make Democrats look bad and turn them into snappy headlines by adding a question mark at the end?"

Nico Pitney (center)

Politico then cited several examples of its "superior reporting" in an attempt to teach Pitney "real" journalism: "For example 'Is Obama going too far?' or 'Is Obama not going too far enough?' - those would have been great headlines. Or what about 'Is Pelosi becoming gay?' Obviously she is not, but we never say that she is. That is the beauty of our clever Politico headlines. 'A Republican Comeback?' Just wait and see who gets a Pulitzer, us or that Pitney guy."

Read Politico's story here (which is billed on the main page as "Did Obama work with Huff Post?"). Enjoy the comments section to fully understand the audience Politico is aiming for.

How exactly are you supposed to rate Iran demonstration videos on YouTube?

Five star: "Yes, that is great." ??

One star: "No, that is awful." ??

Leaked Bo Obama photo: White House admits concerns that First Dog "just keeps growing."

Bo only a few weeks ago.

Republicans terrified of disobeying orders as their Supreme Leader says "no compromise" to reformers.

"This is all an ACORN plot," said the Supreme Leader in a sermon.

Illiterate Obama-haters cause accidental surge in muslin sales.

Muslin cloth makers are reporting a huge surge in sales since the election of President Barack Obama last November. Intitially, the surge in sales was viewed as something of a mystery, until some research linked muslin sales to an abundance of illiterate right-wing Obama haters posting comments on the internet. "All these people were going round on YouTube saying 'Obama is a muslin lover' and that seems to have led to the surge in interest from fans of Obama," says a spokesperson for the American Muslin Association, adding "The stuff is suddenly flying off the shelves, with people mistakenly believing that Obama is a huge fan of the cloth. I don't know if he is, but right now we are happy for the publicity, regardless of the weirdness of it all."

On a separate note, sales of "Bush's Best" beans are starting to recover after a severe slump, according to the company.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Iranian regime apologises after software mix-up bans Tiananmen info in Iran.

The Iranian government has offered an unreserved apology after a software mix-up temporarily prevented Iranians from accessing information about the 1989 Tiananmen Square protests and subsequent violent crackdown in China on the internet. "We forgot to re-set the new software when we first installed it," said a government spokesperson, adding "But we have now fixed the problem to filter out the appropriate unwelcome Iranian terms. Sometimes you just have to laugh!"

Conservative rappers "The Young Cons" have Democrats seriously worried.

Obama: "This is clearly a game-changer."

Biden: "It's over...this is scathing...utterly devastating."

Hillary Clinton: "We have clearly failed to connect."

Pelosi: "My resignation will be announced shortly."

Animal James Bond 007 "The Spy Who Loved Me" remake: exclusive leaked pictures!

Bond fights with Jaws...

The 1977 human original.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Well, as long as you are keeping your spirits up...

Israeli scientists to use "super-microscope" in effort to find PM Netanyahu's moral authority.

Scientists in Israel have announced that they will use a new state-of-the-art super-microscope in an effort to find some trace of PM Benjamin Netanyahu's moral authority. The decision was announced following recent comments by Netanyahu on the ongoing protests in Iran, which critics say are likely to provide potent fuel for the Iranian regime - with some even suspecting Netanyahu of wanting the revolution there to fail.

"You see a regime that represses its own people and spreads terror far and wide," Netanyahu told NBC's "Meet the Press." "It is a regime whose real nature has been unmasked and it's been unmasked by an incredible act of courage by Iran's citizens."

Following the comments, curious scientists in Israel contacted the PM, who agreed to undergo initial tests, believeing that they would be relatively straightforward. However, early attempts to find Netanyahu's moral authority proved fruitless, leading scientists to employ the use of a new super-microscope. "This thing is so powerful," said one scientist heading the project, "that even if there is one molecule of moral authority in Mr Netanyahu, we will find it - but I have to admit that we haven't had any luck yet."

Netanyahu does his very best to piss on the flames of change in Iran...

Story here and here. Is this really the time for you to be talking about bombing Iran? No, unless of course you actually want the Iranian revolution to fail...what a complete muppet.

South African president Zuma signs decree replacing "Father's Day" with "Rape Day."

South African president Jacob Zuma has signed a law formally abolishing Father's Day in South Africa and replacing it with a celebration that will be entitled "Rape Day." Speaking about the desicion, Zuma said "This is a mere re-alignment to bring the values we seek to push in South Africa up-to-date." Former South African president Thabo Mbeki has resisted pressure to condemn the decision, saying "I'm not sure. Let's just wait and see."

Rather disturbing story from Time magazine here.

Ahmadinejad ridiculed for using wrong finger to tell West to f**k off.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Will The Supremes leader decide to support democracy in Iran?

Diana Ross (far right), leader of the Motown group The Supremes.

Bo Obama goes Nick Drake style with official portrait.

GOP leadership offers apology to actor Robert Ito for Miyagi mixup.

The Republican National Committee has issued an unreserved apology to Japanese-American actor Robert Ito, after numerous GOP activists confused him with the late Pat Morita, famous for his role as Mr Miyagi in the film "The Karate Kid".

The mixup stems from a recent incident at the White House, in which President Obama swatted a fly during an interview with CNBC. Commentators quickly likened Mr Obama's actions to that of the fictional Mr Miyagi, able to catch a fly in flight with only a pair of chopsticks. Evidently, several Republican operatives were eager to exploit the incident and solicit a condemnation from Morita, who in fact died in 2005. However, a lack of research led GOP staffers to distribute contact details for Robert Ito, famous for playing Sam Fujiyama in the 1970 series "Quincy M.E.", instead.

An email circulated by the GOP and forwarded to Newsifact reads: "If we can get this Miyagi guy to call Obama a clown, we might be able to dent the president and help stop the government takeover of healthcare...we need to contact him and get him on our side, even though he is gay." Curiously, the final part of that sentence appears not to refer to either Ito or Morita, but in fact to fellow Japanese-American actor George Takei, famous for his role as Sulu in Star Trek, who is openly gay.

Republican Newt Gingrich

"Suddenly, my phone started ringing all the time," said Ito in a recent interview, "First it was young Republican staffers, but eventually it was people like congressional representatives John Boehner and Eric Cantor. All of them were begging me to dismiss President Obama - to call him a fraud and his actions - quote - 'totally uncool'. I didn't know what they were talking about until Newt Gingrich called and told me bluntly 'Listen, we know you are Miyagi - you could really help us to take this guy down a little. You and I both know that the presiden't killing of a fly was wrong. So let's try to keep this civil and figure out how you can help us.'"

Ito said that he was both appalled and angered, by what he viewed as not only poor research by the GOP, but also "bullying, intimidation and willful racist ignorance". Ito soon filed a formal legal complaint, resulting in a printed apology on the GOP website and also a swift apology from GOP chairman Michael Steele. "Look man, we messed up on this one," said Steele "But we really were trying to do a good thing."