Friday, May 30, 2008

Bin Laden extends war to "A Merry Car".

Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has urged his followers to launch a war on a happy looking car his followers recently alerted him to. "A Merry Car must be destroyed, because it is an infidel model. Cars must be serious," said Bin Laden in a statement released on the internet this week.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Leaked Terminator 4 image causes outrage.

A leaked still from the hotly-anticipated film sequel Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, due for release in 2009, has caused outrage both among fans of the Termiantor series and animal rights groups. For months, the blogosphere has been alive with rumours that the new sequel will take the series in a “bold” new direction in light of the absences of series stalwarts Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton and director James Cameron (the latter two also both absent from 2003’s Terminator 3). The leaked still from the production has confirmed just how “bold” the producers have been this time round.

Sources inside the production have confirmed that the star of Terminator Salvation: The Future will indeed be a cybernetic primate, sent from the Cretaceous era 80 million years ago in order to steal secrets about the future and thus prevent John Connor’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great etc. grandparents from ever being born. As to how a monkey from this ancient era could also be a cybernetic organism, remains unclear.

Animal rights campaigners have called the idea “disgusting” while many fans are also question the wisdom taking the franchise in this direction. Warner Bros., which is distributing the film has refused to comment.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

WWF warns high fuel prices in US may cause extinction of obese people.

The Worldwide Fund for Nature (WWF) has issued a stark warning that high fuel prices in the US are leading to a dangerous reduction in the numbers of fat Americans. According to statistics cited by the organisation, there is a direct link between rising oil prices and decreasing numbers of obese people. "If the situation continues, there may be no obese people left by 2021." warned WWF spokesman Anne Such.

The problem is now so serious that the WWF is considering pressing for the clinically obese to be placed on the list of endangered species. At present, a number of reservations such as McDonalds and KFC are helping to sustain numbers, but fears are continuing that ever-rising fuel prices may lead to a continued decimation in the number of obese people able to seek help at these restaurant chains, resulting in tragic levels of exercise and weight loss.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Hillary invited to join Mugabe re-election team.

Sources inside the ruling Zanu-PF party of Zimbabwe have extended an open invitation to Senator Hillary Clinton to join the re-election team of president Robert Mugabe. A second round of elections is due to take place in the country on June 27, in which MDC candidate Morgan Tsvangirai is hoping to defeat the incumbent Mugabe.

According to Zanu-PF sources, the party has been impressed with Clinton's refusal to give up in the fight against Democratic hopeful Senator Barack Obama, despite the diminishing odds. They believe that following her exit from the US presidential race, Clinton could play a crucial role in helping to re-elect president Robert Mugabe, who has been in power since 1987. One Zanu-PF source has stated "Here, the gloves will really be off for Hillary. Forget assasination references - here she can go for the real thing." Sources within Sen. Clinton's camp have stated that they are "studying the offer."

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Tensions rise ahead of Celebrity Big Brother finals.

The final two contestants in what has undoubtedly been the most star-studded Celebrity Big Brother yet are gearing up for tomorrow's final to determine the outright winner. Professor Stephen Hawking and former South African president Nelson Mandela are both vying for the $1 million cash prize, which will go to charity.

However, tensions between the men have been growing since their six week stay in the house, located in southern Spain, began. Mandela has repeatedly expressed frustration at what he perceives as Hawking's "derogatory tone of voice," even accusing the noted science professor of "saying one thing but meaning another." Meanwhile, Hawking has also lashed out at Mandela. Last month, he repeatedly used his computer voice box to refer to Mandela as an "a**hole."

The situation finally came to a head when Mandela sided with fellow housemate Anneka Rice last week, to disconnect Hawking's batteries, thus leaving him temporarily speechless. Since then, the two men have barely spoken a word to each other. The finals will be broadcast on UK Channel 4 at 8pm on (1800 GMT) Saturday.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Phil Collins again extends deadline "to be taken seriously as a musician."

Musician Phil Collins has for the third time extended a deadline to fans and the media to start respecting him as a musician - or else. The deadline has now been moved to the end of May, after which time if Phil Collins still feels he is not getting the respect he feels he deserves, he will "withdraw all my music from circulation and never perform or write music again."

Collins, who achieved commercial success in the 1980s both as a solo singer and with the group Genesis, has frequently complained that the public, music historians and the media are not giving him the credit he feels he deserves.

In March, he stunned his followers when he issued a deadline to be taken seriously by the end of the month or he would retire from performing. The deadline expired with little effect leading Collins to issue a new deadline, this time threatening to retire from the business altogether. When that too failed to cause the desired shift in attitudes towards Collins, the singer and drummer issued a final deadline in which he threatened to "withdraw all my music from sale until people finally realise how much repect I deserve." This "final" deadline passed yesterday, leaving Collins to immediately extend it by another two weeks. "I'm losing my patience," he added "people need to realise that I'm serious. I am a great musician, and until I am treated as such, people can go to hell."

Patrick Swayze and Kurt Russell signed up for "Chucklevision" movie.

Hollywood stars Kurt Russell and Patrick Swayze have been signed up to play Paul and Barry Chuckle in the Hollwood feature-film adaptation of the long-running BBC children's television series.

The two actors are said to be delighted that the production is going ahead and have both flown to Britain to meet their British counterparts, actors Paul and Barry Elliot, who have played the Chuckle brothers since 1987.

According to publicity materials issued by Warner Bros, the studio behind the film "The Chucklevision movie will be both entertaining and irreverant. The Chuckle Brothers' antics will be fun for all the family to watch again and again." Asked as to why the original British actors were not considered for the $200 million project, Warners explained that their accents might prove "problematic" for American audiences, but promised the actors a cameo appearance in the film.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Is Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton playing the race card?

Does the memorabilia item below prove that Lewis Hamilton is playing the race card?

Actor Fisher Stevens wins auction to adopt "Werewolf Boy."

Short Circuit star Fisher Stevens has beaten fellow stars Michael J. Fox (Teen Wolf) and Michael Jackson (Thriller) in a bidding war to adopt an Indian boy who has been dubbed "The Werewolf." The aution, which took place at Christie's in New York, was filled with Holywood celebrities - often with obscure connections to the child in question.

The 11-year-old Indian boy - Pruthviraj Patil suffers from a rare condition called Hypertrichosis and was put up for auction by his family in India. Actor Fisher Stevens, who famously played an Indian professor in the films Short Circuit and Short Circuit 2 was elated after his $112m won out against the competition. "Even though I am not Indian, if I was, then this is the son I always wanted. I can tell people that his strange facial hair is a result of me hanging around Johnny 5 too long!"

Defiant Brown vows that "facial tic is here to stay."

Click here to watch Gordon Brown's facial tic marathon.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gave a defiant speech yesterday, insisting that critics of his facial tic were trying to "distract me from doing my job." Brown, who suffers from an unusual tic in which he stetches his lower lip after every few words, has recently been heavily criticized for his unusual mannerism. Conservative leader David Cameron called the tic "A blight on Britain from a discredited Prime Minister," while recent polls have suggested that the tic is highly unpopular among most Brits. For months, Brown has been under heavy pressure to rid himself of it.

However, speaking at the Institute for Behavioural Sciences last night, Brown delivered an unusually fiery and impassioned speech stating that "The tic is staying, and so am I. We both have a duty to serve Britain and help to improve the public sector and keep inflation under control." He also added "I love my tic - just give it a chance - if you understand it, you will understand me."

Prince William denies toupee rumours after secret Shatner visit.

Heir to the British throne, Prince William has denied rumours that he has started wearing a hairpiece after being spotted making a covert visit to the house of Start Trek legend William Shatner last week. Shatner assumed the mantle of the US's most prominent expert on hairpieces following the death of actor Charlton Heston earlier this year.

In recent years, Prince William has begun to show signs of hereditary hair-loss, and until recently did little to cover it up. However, eyebrows were raised when he was spotted making a secret visit to the Los Angeles home of actor William Shatner in mid-May. A spokesperson for the Prince suggested the visit was merely to discuss Shatner's views on leadership in light of his famous role as Captain James T. Kirk of the starsip Enterprise. However, since that visit, Prince William's hair has noticeably changed, with many wondering whether Mr Shatner has personally given the future king of England the hairpiece he wore in the 1960s during the run of the original Star Trek series. Photographic experts have suggested a stunning similarity between the hairstyles of the two men - something both Buckingham Palace and Shatner have refused to comment on.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

New cream may help Obama “flag-up”

Sources close to Senator Barack Obama have admitted that the Democratic presidential candidate has expressed an interest in a new face cream designed to help African-Americans “flag-up” their appearance. The cream is specially formulated to alter dark skin so that it appears not only whiter, but also prominently displays the stars and stripes. According publicity materials issued by Renew, the company marketing the new skin-flagging cream - “In times of bigotry, suspicion and narrow-mindedness, the flag cream can help you to appear more patriotic to your fellow Americans. Thus, awkward situations can be more easily avoided, and suspicion turned into trust and acceptance.”

In recent weeks and months, media pundits as well as the Hillary Clinton campaign have been highlighting the fact that a section of white American voters may find the idea of an African-American president hard to accept – especially one called Barack Hussein Obama. Many Obama insiders believe the cream may help to convince more rabidly distrustful sectors of American society who often falsely believe that Obama is not only a Muslim, but a “sleeper cell” hell-bent on destroying America. A spokesperson for Obama’s campaign noted “We are proud of our candidate, but desperate times may call for desperate measures.”

Dick Cheney praises Burmese military junta for “staying the course.”

vice-president Dick Cheney has praised the military leaders of Burma (Myanmar) for their response to the recent cyclone, which caused tens of thousands of deaths in the country. Speaking at a meeting of the right-wing think-tank The Heritage Foundation in New York, Cheney said “The leadership stays the course, and doesn’t give in to polls of the week. That is admirable.”

He also added “Sure, they could cave in to public pressure and help their own people instead of forcing through referendums on their own power, but that would show weakness.” The comments have caused outrage amongst aid workers and human rights groups.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Split ballots to ease voter race concerns

The US states of West Virginia and Kentucky have come up with a unique proposal for addressing the dilemma of a Barack Obama candidacy – split ballots. The proposed ballots will enable racist voters to vote for Obama’s white half, without having to vote for his black half.

Senator Obama, whose mother is white and father is black, could thus make inroads into otherwise hostile electoral territory. However, a vote solely for Obama’s white half will only count as a half-vote in the November presidential election – something that could undermine Obama’s chances in key states. Despite the potential pitfalls of the proposal, a number of states, including Pennsylvania have expressed interest in the idea.

Austrian cellar man hires PR firm to “soften monster image.”

Josef Fritzl, the Austrian man who kept his daughter locked up in a cellar for 24 years and fathered six children with her has hired a PR agency to improve his image. Fritzl, who is currently under arrest in Austria and faces charges of rape and murder, has publicly complained about the press portraying him as a “monster.”

The Austrian PR firm involved has admitted that it faces a daunting task - “Clearly the Fritzl brand is tarnished right now, but what we intend to do is focus on the positives,” stated a PR consultant for the company who asked to remain anonymous. “We are thinking of portraying him as a kind of loveable, whacky rogue – who perhaps took things a little too far,” he added. Meanwhile, Fritz’s lawyer is pushing for a plea of insanity on the part of Fritzl, something the PR firm believes could work to their client’s advantage.

The Vienna-based marketing company (which cannot be named for legal reasons) is currently preparing an advertising blitz, which includes stickers featuring the house where the gruesome crimes took place – the stickers read “You don’t have to be mad to live here, but it helps.”

However, the PR firm has come under mounting criticism for taking on this controversial client. “This is just disgusting,” said a policeman involved in the case “The fact that this man is complaining about his ‘monster’ image really says it all.”

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Michael Less – “I’m getting a raw deal.”

He’s tall-ish, he’s skinny-ish and he doesn’t wear a baseball cap. Meet Michael Less, a young man from northern Pennsylvania who has been consistently and vociferously complaining that he has been overlooked by the media. Several years ago, Less began a rather public campaign, but after much effort, it has yet to bear fruit. “The potential is there, damn it. I just don’t get why these suits in Hollywood won’t get it,” complains Michael in a surprisingly bitter tone. “For months I’ve been calling, writing and lobbying them and now I can’t even get a response. Even Michael has given up on me!” When Michael says “Michael” he is of course referring to documentary filmmaker and muckraker Michael Moore. Michael Less believes that his name, size and general appearance perfectly compliments the famously overweight director of Fahrenheit 9/11 and Sicko.

“Michael Moore: obese - Michael Less: not obese. How can a pairing like that not strike gold?” argues Less, with an almost hysterical sense of conviction. Seven months ago, he began calling and writing to major Hollywood studios as well as to Michael Moore’s production company Dog Eat Dog Films. But, complains Less, they just didn’t get what he was talking about and are now refusing to return his calls and emails. “Think about it! That’s all I’m asking your readers to do! There are so many possibilities,” insists Less. “For example, we could do a TV show called “Moore or Less?” The viewers would have to choose each week which one of us is right about a particular topic. Or how about “Less is Moore” – a show where sometimes Michael goes around but other times I dress up like him and trick people into thinking I’m Michael Moore! I’ve got hundreds of ideas, just visit my website and you’ll see. This could be really big!”

For better or worse, Less hasn’t meet with any interest for his ideas. In fact, Paramount Studios recently put a restraining order on him, banning Less from coming within 100 yards of their studio in Burbank, Los Angeles. So what kind of future does the 27 year-old unemployed former retail assistant face? “I haven’t given up,” sighs Less. “One day, the world will realize the potential of my ideas. Laurel and Hardy didn’t pair up overnight. Until then, I’ll just have to struggle like Shakespeare or Mozart did.” Mr. Moore was unavailable for comment.

Monday, May 5, 2008

GOP delegates flock to endorse Hillary – “Tide is turning” says Clinton.

Democratic candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton moved a step closer towards securing the Republican nomination yesterday after several prominent GOP leaders endorsed her bid to become the next US president.

The news comes despite the fact that Sen. John McCain has already won enough delegates to secure his party’s nomination. Responding to the news, Mrs. Clinton said “Delegates don’t have to vote for him if they feel a case has been made that I am the stronger Republican leader. It doesn’t matter that I’m a Democrat – what matters is that I can win.” In a triumphant tone, she also added. “The tide is turning and I won’t give up just like America won’t give up until I win. Senator McCain is clearly the wrong choice for the party. I have proven that I can go as negative as it takes – and frankly he hasn’t. All this ‘new kind of politics talk just gives me a headache.”

The new round of endorsements means that Sen. Clinton could secure both the Democratic and Republican nominations and thus face off against herself in the national elections in November – something which the media has described as a “dream ticket”.

Her chances against Democratic candidate Barack Obama remain slim, yet the surprising number of defections from the Republican camp has given fresh hope to Hillary Clinton of being able to secure a party’s nomination. She has also not ruled out running as an independent or seeking the nominations of the libertarian and socialist parties, noting “The more the merrier!”