Friday, December 18, 2009

At Copenhagen summit, China emboldened by Joe Lieberman.

"60 votes? Hah! Your country doesn't have democracy either!" the Chinese PM tells President Obama.

'Danish Prime Minister Lars Rasmussen opened the gathering [at the last day of the Copenhagen climate change summit], saying that it is "not too often us leaders get a chance to chart out a new course for our planet." No such course was forthcoming. Minutes later, Chinese Premier Wen Jibao hailed his own nation's efforts to curb greenhouse gas emissions. But he offered no give on the key matters that had been raised by the United States: China placing its emissions reductions within a binding treaty and subjecting them to outside verification. Wen indicated that China would keep its emissions limits voluntary and unilateral.'

Sourced here.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Tiger Woods' latest controversy: Once accidentally got golf and women the wrong way round.

He screwed a golf course...

And "It was a little painful, but pleasant too..." said one woman involved in the mix-up.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Huge "coincidence": Massive explosion in Iraq a day after political unrest in Iran.

"Quick, set off another bomb in Iraq so people don't focus on the shit we're doing to our own people!"

Monday, December 7, 2009

Saudis blame "warm polar bear" for melting sea-ice.

"This [above] picture proves it!" said Saudi oil minister Ali al-Naimi on Monday, adding "If those bears didn't warm up the ice by sitting on it, we'd be fine right now."

Recession means terrorists trying to get the most bang for the buck.

We report that Avatar is good, you still decide it's shit!

It's begun: Rupert Murdoch paper plugging shit and very expensive film made by Rupert Murdoch studio.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Picture sparks fresh concerns as "Blair can't even take a dump without being strangely self-conscious".

There are fresh concerns over the mental health of Tony Blair following the release of a picture of the former British Prime Minister sitting on a toilet. The picture was taken during a break from the recent negotiations in Brussels over the post of President of the European Council - a post which Blair ultimately lost to Belgian PM Herman Van Rompuy.

The person who took the picture has decided to remain anonymous, but insists that he took the photograph out of a concern for Mr Blair's mental state: "I went to the bathroom and heard a person apparently talking to themselves in one of the cabins," said the source "It was very strange. He was mumbling things like 'This will be a people's know...want you all know...understand...I cannot appease this turd any will stand turd to turd with all the turds and be a great turd...history will judge.' So I decided to force the door open to see what was going on and ended up taking a picture of Tony Blair on the toilet. And the weirdest thing was, that he was reading all of these things from a piece of paper, like he couldn't even take a s*#t anymore without convincing himself of his own historical greatness. The guy is clearly in denial."

The source for the photograph also added that he hopes the picture's publication will help rather than harm Blair "I mean, if this guy is self-conscious even while taking a dump in private, then maybe he needs some help. I hope my picture helps to move this process forward."

Meanwhile, Palestinians have been continuing their month-long celebrations following the failure of Mr Blair to win the EU presidency. "That means he will remain as a Middle-East peace envoy!" said one Palestinian in Ramallah "And this brings great joy and hope to all of us. He really is the man to get things done!"

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Frank Bough: Tiger Woods has gone too far.

Frank Bough, the seemingly wholesome BBC TV presenter who faced scandal in 1992 after it was revealed that he regularly visited sado-masochistic drug-fuelled orgies has hit out at golfer Tiger Woods. In a statement released to the media on Friday, Bough called on Woods to come clean regarding revelations that he was a serial adulterer: "Enough is enough. These sorded details are coming out drip by drip and it has to stop. He has gone too far and now he should come clean and face the music."

Friday, December 4, 2009

Lieberman: No-one will "connect the dots" about my lucrative post-Senate-career.

Senator Joe Lieberman (I- Connecticut) has dismissed reports that he has reached a secret agreement with medical insurance interests to oppose healthcare reform - one that promises Lieberman a very lucrative post-Senate career. "By the time my post-Senate-career begins, this current healthcare debate will be long over. No-one is going to care, frankly, about trying to connect the dots when they aren't there," said Lieberman at a press conference yesterday.

However, when pressed on the matter of whether he was opposing the so-called "public-option" favored by most Democrats for financial reasons, and in particular because he had been offered a multi-million dollar private-sector job in return, Lieberman remained coy: "Like I said, no-one will care by then what I do and frankly that is my own business. I don't rule out anything. Right now I am a Senator."

Lieberman, a former Democrat and vice-presidential candidate (on the Gore-Lieberman ticket in 2000) maintains a position in the Senate Democratic Caucus despite having left the party and endorsed Republican John McCain in the last presidential election. President Obama is believed to have personally lobbied to stop Democrats from stripping Lieberman of his current chairmanship of the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs in light of the above.

The Senator has steadfastly opposed the inclusion of a public-option in the current Senate healthcare reform bill - critics have accused Lieberman of settling scores with Democrats after he lost a Democratic primary in 2006 to Democrat Ned Lamont. This led to Lieberman running as an independent - he won the election, although several opinion polls now put his re-election chances in 2012 at below 50%; other polls suggest a strong majority of Connecticut's voters support a public-option. Some have speculated that the Republican Party has privately promised not to field a viable candidate in Connecticut in the 2012 race in return for Lieberman's opposition to health-care reform. Yet, the Senator's latest comments appear to suggest different motivations may be at play.

Sun-Maid raisin company faces criticism over new image.

The US raisin-producer Sun-Maid Growers of California is facing heavy criticism over a recently unveiled decision to "update" the image of a female grape-picker that has featured in its logo almost since the co-op was founded in 1912. Sun-Maid has defended the change, which critics have described as "slutty" and "too sexy" - with a spokesperson for the co-op stating: "Now was the right time to update our image. We feel that this particular change simply better reflects the times in which we now live."

Full story here.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Tiger Woods after crash!

"I'm gonna be fine," insists golfer Tiger Woods.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Environmental record questioned.

Why was it released in mono? Why were the chapter breaks so abrupt? Why isn't it available on iTunes?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

New police photo: "Missing Maddy" may be in Australia.

Southern Hemisphere ignore this post.

Fresh fears over Gordon Brown's eyesight.

There were renewed fears over UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown's deteriorating eyesight yesterday following an incident in which Brown walked past his official residence, Number 10 Downing Street, instead of going inside as was planned. The incident ended after police chased after Mr Brown and redirected him in the right direction. Downing Street has shrugged off the incident, saying "The Prime Minister detected a pocket of suffering somewhere in Britain and was trying to find where it was so that he could try to fix it."

Monday, November 9, 2009

Creepy versus not creepy (aka psycho versus not psycho).


Not creepy...


Not creepy...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

Blair: "I will be the people's president."

Standing in front of the European Parliament building in Strasbourg, France, Tony Blair told reporters Friday morning that if he were elected as Europe's first president, he would be "The people's president." Mr Blair, holding a mug of coffee in one hand, with the other lodged in his pocket, added: "Look...this is totally spontaneous. I just wanted to come out here and let you know what is in my heart. Having completed my mission as Special Middle East Envoy, I now seek a new arena to which I can bring my unique abilities to get results."

Following his short statement, Mr Blair returned back the EU parliament building, declining to answer reporters' questions. Mr Blair's hopes of becoming EU president (a post stipulated by the Lisbon Treaty) are viewed as realistic but fading, particularly because of the former UK PM's support of former US president George W. Bush's invasion of Iraq. At the time, Mr Blair is said to have viewed himself as a Churchillian figure destined for greatness for shunning the apparent "appeasement" of Saddam Hussein. Later, this "delusion" left an indelible stain on his premiership, which ended in 2007.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Sage advice...

"Think about other people's feelings too."

Friday, October 23, 2009

Peter Falk slams Brown and Griffin.

"They are a disgrace to one-eyed people everywhere!"

Monday, October 12, 2009

German football coach discusses latest match.

Germany Go Forward

by Joachim Loew

Germany SWEPT the board with their latest 1-0 victory against Russia on Saturday ensuring entry into the World Cup finals. How did we do it? I told the players that they had to COMB forward in the first half. The important thing was to THICKEN UP the right flank, and then for the strikers to PART by the box and create a SCISSOR-like formation, which would CROP the other side's defences.

At the start, I made sure that they knew that this team had to GEL. Only then would they have a chance of SPRAYING the Russians with goals. In the end, the team really SHINED. They had TONED their STYLE to the point that they had both VOLUME and BOUNCE. I was really proud of the way the players WEAVED through the opposition. I felt like I had GROOMED our side into great squad; the style of play was like MOUSSE - both thick and fluid at the same time. We had avoided being LOCKED into a single strategy. Instead, we could TRIM out the fat and BRUSH up on our techniques as the match progressed. The silver-lining came when we CURLED in the winning goal. Our FANS were truly delighted! They ROLLED around joyously and praised the CONDITION of our squad. But I don't want to WAX lyrical. After the players have WASHED and DRIED, it will be time to focus on the next challenge.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Berlusconi attacks Zimbabwean PM during official visit.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi violently attacked Morgan Tsvangirai during the Zimbabwean Prime Minister's official visit to Italy on Tuesday. Following a policy-oriented meeting between the two men in Rome, Tsvangirai emerged battered and brusied and told reporters that the Italian PM had mauled him. Tsvangirai was then taken to a local hospital where he stayed until the following day. This is the first time that the Zimbabwean PM has been physically attacked by forces other than those connected to President Robert Mugabe's ZANU-PF party.

Shortly after the attack, a relaxed Berlusconi boasted to the press about what he had done: "The guy was clearly part of a left-wing plot against me. By the way, I would have tried to screw his wife, but she died recently and I'm not into necrophilia." said the Italian PM. Snap polls suggest that the indcident has boosted Berlusconi's ratings among the Italian public.

Monday, October 5, 2009

BREAKING: Jordan to recognize Israel.

"I've been reading an atlas, so it won't be long before I can recognize it! I found Italy the other day - it looks like this big shoe!"

Friday, October 2, 2009

Cheney: Obama should have threatened IOC with rival Games.

Reacting to Chicago's losing bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games, former Vice-President Dick Cheney said on Friday: "President Obama should have been tougher with the International Olympic Committee - if they don't select Chicago, then the US will go it alone and hold its own Games. I really feel that the President made a mistake by not demonstrating that there would be major consequences for an unfavorable decision. He should have literally twisted IOC member's arms, not just figuratively."

Mr Cheney also added that a rival Games could still go ahead, albeit with very different rules to the Olympics: "There would be two teams: a team of allies led by the US, and a team of those who oppose us. We would be fighting for good, so we wouldn't need any rules or restrictions. The other side might have a little trouble getting into the US!"

Brazil, which won the 2o16 Olympic bid "Would then have to decide whether it really wanted to host a rival Games" added Cheney "As that would be something that would cause us great offense."

John Bolton

Reacting to Mr Cheney's comments, former Bush-era UN ambassador John Bolton describled them as "The most sane suggestion I have heard all week."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Weird and wrong on so many levels...

Homeless Georgia sex-offenders directed to live in the woods, which is ironically where they...

Story here.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Kanye West redeems image following shock UN appearance.

Fresh concerns over health of footballer Paul Gascoigne.

Fresh concerns have been raised about the health of former England footballer Paul Gascoigne after he was photographed looking frail and unwell during a funeral service for England manager Bobby Robson held on Sunday. Gascoigne, aged 42, has battled to overcome alcohol addiction as well as mental health issues since retiring from the game. This has led to a somewhat gaunt appearance. However, "Gazza's" appearance during the memorial service for his former coach, who died of cancer on 31st July of this year has raised eyebrows.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Don't Hassle the Hoff (with talk of going to AA).

Former star David Hasselhoff

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Anti-Obama protestors say racist acronyms "accidental".

Anti-Obama protestors descending in their thousands on Washington D.C. on Saturday have defended the names given to several of their grassroots organizations, saying that their overtly racist acronyms are entirely coincidental.

For example the National Independent Group Guiding Elevated Reform (NIGGER) has stated that its title was guided entirely by a fitting description of its mission to prevent a "government takeover of our neighborhoods" its spokesman also adding "I just don't want this socialized healthcare moving into my street and imposed on my daughter."

Similarly, the Committee Organized to Oppose Nationalization (COON) and the Movement to Overturn the Nationalized Killing in the Everyday Young (MONKEY) have also denied any racial undertones to their opposition to President Obama's healthcare reform agenda. When the racist epithet was pointed out to "MONKEY" the group's spokesperson described it as "accidental" and "purely a coincidence". So far, Republicans, perhaps fearful of losing a key voting bloc, have refused to distance themselves from these groups.

A newly-founded group, the Organization Believing America Mustn't Accept Broad Insurance Nationalization Leading to Absolute Delivery Evaporation and Negligence (OBAMABINLADEN) has also denied such charges, stating on its website "This title simply best describes what is at the core of our philosophy."