Monday, August 31, 2009

Australian actor to sue Yahoo! over name infringement.

Australian actor Yahoo Serious, star of such movies as the 1988 hit film Young Einstein, is suing the Internet service provider Yahoo! over a new search-engine the company unveiled on Monday. The search-engine is called "Yahoo! Serious" and is intented to be a scholarly search-engine focusing on serious subject-matters such as war or famine. However, Mr Serious' lawyers have announced that they believe that the new service infringes on their client's name. They have issued an immediate cease and desist letter to the California-based company and have also set in motion a $300 million lawsuit against Yahoo!.

"If you will pardon the pun," said a representative for Mr Serious, "We believe that this is a very serious matter. Our intention is to protect our client's name at all costs."

Yahoo! have thus far refrained from issuing a statement on the matter, while inside sources suggest that the company has no intention of taking down the new service.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

More somber tone for new Obama album.

Barack Obama released a new album this week, one which seems to be a departure from his previous double-platinum effort Songs in the Key of O. The new album, entitled Show Me the Music appears to have a far darker and more reflective tone. As before, most of the material is written by Obama himself.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Reactions to Oasis split.

We bring you images of the wordwide outpouring of apathy following the news that Liam Gallagher is to leave the music group "Oasis"...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

China keeping the word "wrath" alive...

There's the 1939 novel "The Grapes of Wrath"...

The 1982 film "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan"...

And whenever a country invites the Dalai Lama, we always hear how they risk "incurring the wrath of China."

That's it.

"Hi, I'm the Dalai Lama. When I look at THE MOTION PICTURE of my life, there is much more to it than just incurring THE WRATH OF KHAN - that's my nickname for China. You know, when secretly I left Tibet as a boy, the people there undertook THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK - that was the codeword they used for me - thinking that I had just hidden somewhere. Now, after all these years, I wonder if I will ever be able to undertake THE VOYAGE HOME. In my mind, Tibet has become like THE FINAL FRONTIER. I've been away so long that my home is almost THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY. It really seems like GENERATIONS ago that I was there. I would love to cross the border and make FIRST CONTACT with my fellow Tibetans, but China fears my return would cause an INSURRECTION. Yes, the still view me as a NEMESIS. Maybe it is time for a reboot (reincarnation). Perhaps the next guy will be the one who gets to return."

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Shock: Really cute animal found that hasn't yet been turned into a Pixar CGI animation film.

Pixar and Disney have promised to get on the case right away! The animal is a Mexican Axolotl, a type of salamander; it's facing extinction in the wild. Shit, even really cute smiling animals are in danger...what other stunts do these creatures have to pull!?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Funny accents are no more...

Ted Kennedy, pictued right, (1932-2009).

Exclusive: Klugman demanded rare test in Jackson autopsy.

Newsifact can exlusively reveal that actor Jack Klugman, famous for portraying a Los Angeles County Coroner in the TV show Quincy M.E., demanded that those carrying out the autopsy of deceased singer Michael Jackson conduct a very rare, time-consuming and expensive test in order to reveal Jackson's cause of death. Klugman was brought in by the Jackson family (as we previously reported) to oversee the autopsy, and sources suggest, he soon started to make waves.

Klugman as Quincy.

Within a few hours of his arrival shortly after Jackson's death in late June, Klugman angrily denounced the cost-cutting shortcuts being taken during Jackson's autopsy. At that point, the Coroner's Office was ready to rule that Jackson's death was accidental. But Klugman demanded an extremely rare test be undertaken - this was met with almost immediate resistance by the powers-that-be. Klugman was an actor that had only portrayed a coroner, they argued. But Klugman reportedly would not back down. The Quincy star then called actor Robert Ito, who played Quincy's assistant Sam Fujiyama, in the middle of the night and begged him to come to his aide and help him conduct the tests. Ito sighed, but came to the aide of his friend.

A late-night call persuaded Ito to help Klugman.

The LA County Coroner's Office soon retaliated, bringing in actor John S. Ragin, who had played Quincy's boss Dr Robert Astin. Ragin then attempted to persuade Klugman that the tests he was undertaking, based solely on some "outlandish theory", would cause a backlog of other cases to build. He also argued that Klugman had no idea of the consequences of his actions and that the bureacratic process had to be respected. But Klugman reportedly could not be persuaded to stop. He and Ito spent the next few nights conducting a series of special tests on Jackson's body.

Ragin: "Do you have any idea just how much time this is going to take?"

One final desperate action was taken: actor Gary Walberg, who played the crusty, short-fused LAPD officer Lt. Frank Monahan on the Quincy TV show was hauled in to angrily tell Klugman that he had better stop wasting everyone's time and just get this thing over with.

At first, Walberg was angered by Klugman's hard-headed attitude.

Reports suggest that Klugman blew his top and gave a long impassioned speech about how doing the right thing should be the number one priority and that if the autopsy wasn't conducted properly, then whoever caused Jackson's overdose might remain free to do it to someone else.

Klugman eventually prevailed and Robert Ito brought the necessary test results from the toxicology lab just in the nick of time. In a stunning reversal, Dr Astin reluctanty sided with Quincy and eventually even Walberg had to concede that he was right. The results were released on Monday, and showed that Michael Jackson had lethal amounts of the drug propofol in his blood - the coroner's verdict was homicide.

A seemingly vindicated Klugman announced the results on Monday.

It was a huge bombshell and, insiders say, entirely down to Klugman's relentless pursuit of the truth. Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, who is at the center of accusations of giving improper prescriptions to the singer, has denied responsibility for Jackson's death. Klugman, returning from "Danny's" pub on his way home to his houseboat in Newport Bay reacted by saying "The truth will soon come out".

Monday, August 24, 2009

Scottish First Minister admits real reasons for Al Megrahi release.

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond has revealed the real reasons for the recent release of the alleged Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali Al Megrahi. "This wasn't about compassion or national security, anything like that at all," said Salmond. "We just did it to piss off the English, whom we really don't like very much here in Scotland. It is quite funny having to watch them get shit for this. I think we pulled it off quite well."

Friday, August 21, 2009

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Confusion over fresh Hillary Clinton outburst.

A fresh outburst by US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has left many scratching their heads. This time, she appears to have mis-understood a reporter's question during a press conferece held in Columbia related to a currently active hurricane called "Hurricane Bill". Hillary Clinton is in the country as part of a tour of Latin America and was asked to comment on the US government's preparations for "Hurricane Bill", a storm brewing in the Atlantic Ocean that some worry could pose a risk to coastal areas of New England.

"What are you currently doing to make sure Hurricane Bill doesn't cause major damage?" asked a reporter from the travelling press pool.

"I'm not doing anything about Bill!" snapped Hillary, apparently not understanding the question. "He is free to do what he wants! This is about me. If you want to ask about what my husband is doing, then ask him!"

The terse exchange echoed a similar recent incident in the Democratic Republic of Congo, when a translation error led the Secretary of State to believe a student questioner was asking about her husband's, rather than President Obama's opinion on a particular policy matter. "If you want an opinion, I will tell you my opinion. I am not going to be channelling my husband." she replied tersely.

Today's worst leaders as Bond villains.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as Franz Sanchez from "Licence to Kill" (1989).

Kim Jong Il as Dr Julius No from "Dr No" (1963).

Benjamin Netanyahu as Emilio Largo from "Thunderball" (1965).

Vladimir Putin as Max Zorin from "A View to a Kill" (1985).

Robert Mugabe as Mr Big from "Live and Let Die" (1973).

And, of course, Dick Cheney as Blofeld from "You Only Live Twice" (1967).

Monday, August 17, 2009

Green-screen strike brings Hollywood to standstill.

A strike by green-screens has unexpectedly brought almost all Hollywood film production to a halt. The green-screens, which in feature-film productions are placed behind foreground action instead of real backgrounds, and later digitally "keyed out" and replaced with CGI effects, have become increasingly prominent in big-budget Hollywood films. The screens are demanding higher pay, arguing that their contributions toward modern film-making have been consistently underappreciated. "We have replaced sets, optical effects, props, live-action, backgrounds and maybe soon even actors," argued one green-screen we interviewed. "Our contributions should be recognized and we are demanding greater pay."

Hollywood studios have officially downplayed the effects of the strike, but behind-the-scenes, there is evident turmoil. A host of big-budget productions have been forced to suspend production completely. "When this strike started," says one insider "We were completely floored. There were suggestions that we might have to start building real sets again or actually build model miniatures. But there is no-one left here that can do that kind of stuff. These screens really have us by the balls - we are frankly, totally screwed!"