Friday, July 31, 2009

Newsifact will be back in a few weeks...

Thanks to all our readers for visiting and re-visiting Newsifact! Enjoy your summer.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

What exactly do American conservatives believe in conserving?

The environment? Nope.

Communities? Nope.

A made-up innocent golden era before such nasty things as civil rights came along? Yup.

Palin supporters hold mass "Star Trek" burning events.

Enraged Sarah Palin supporters are holding rallies in which they are burning their "Star Trek" related items in large bonfires. The rallies come as a response to a series of appearances by "Star Trek" star William Shatner on "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" in which the actor parodied the former Alaska governor by putting her words to music.

Enraged right-wingers have vowed to end their association with "Star Trek" as a result. "This episode by Shatner confirmed to me that 'Star Trek' is just more far-left liberal propaganda from the New World Order cabal," said one woman at a "James T-party".

Is Stephen Hawking leading a double life?

Officially scientist Stephen Hawking is disabled...

But as the above pictures show, there is clearly something we aren't being told...

Republicans tie healthcare reform to 9/11 attackers.

In this article written exclusively for Newsifact, Republican House Minority leader John Boehner argues that the perpetrators of the 9/11 terrorist attacks may have been connected to the current Democratic players in the healthcare reform debate.

Public Option Players had Secret Meeting with 9/11 Hijacker in Prague

by John Boehner

Current proposals for a rigorous public-option to be introduced into the nation's healthcare system by a thankfully ever-smaller number of Democrats has one man laughing - Osama bin Laden. Back in 2001, high-level sources tell me, today's key Democrat advocates for so-called "Healthcare reform" met with Mohamed Atta, the main hijacker in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The meeting took place in Prague. What could Atta have discussed with Democrat Congress members X,Y and Z? I have decided not to name the Democrats involved directly - I am sure their names will soon come to light.

Mohamed Atta

Did Atta perhaps tell them: "After my work is done, I want you to socialize the American healthcare system."? Why were these Democrats so silent after 9/11? Why are these same Democrats now pushing for so-called "healthcare reform"? Is this part of an Al-Qaeda plot to euthanize our elderly and weaken the rest of us? Have we been caught off guard?

There is yet more disturbing evidence. According to the completely independent and just created citizens' group "The Free Association for Freedom in Healthcare Freedom Reform" (The DemocRATS say it is a lobbyist funded front group - they are lying) there is evidence that the DemocRATS are trying to secretly introduce the healthcare system of Niger, Africa into the United States. The FAFHFR has evidence that the same top DemocRATS that went to Prague to meet with 9/11 hijacker Mohamed Atta then flew to Niger in Africa. There, they tried to acquire "Yellow-Flake" a handbook written by Al-Qaeda on how to undermine nations through "healthcare reform".


There is yet more. We have evidence that DemocRATS plan to shift hospitals to "mobile socialized hospitals" - little more than trucks - because under their plan, the government simply won't be able to afford hospitals anymore.

Dysfunctional mobile hospitals - the result of Democrat so-called "reforms"?

A top intelligence source also tells me that Al-Qaeda has provided the DemocRATS with aluminium tubes which can cheaply be converted into needles. These needles would then inject patients with a euthanizing drug. This is deeply disturbing. We cannot wait for nations like France to act.

Healthcare in Niger. Is this what the Democrats want?

The evidence is real. Believe me, these aren't so-called Republican "scare-tactics" - we only want what is best and cannot stand idly by as this evidence of an Al-Qaeda/Public-Option link comes to light. I urge you all to act and act soon. Don't let the smoking gun become an operating room shroud!

John Boehner (R) is a U.S. Representative of Ohio's 8th congressional district. He is also the House Minority Leader in the 111th Congress.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Has UK paper gone too far?

The British newspaper "The Sun" is refusing to apologise after publishing semi-naked pictures of former Vice-President Al Gore. Mr Gore's office has called the decision to publish the paparazzi pictures taken during a recent vacation as "unfortunate".

Sunday, July 26, 2009

People that Star Trek actress Gates McFadden can't marry...

Bill Gates...

Bob Gates...

Henry Louis Gates...

(Because she'd be Gates Gates)

She also can't marry (via gay marriage) Glenn Close otherwise she'd be Gates Close.

Nor can she marry Commerce Secretary Gary Locke or she'd be Gates Locke...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Why do so many American conservatives look like angry former slave-owners?

Is there such a thing as historical memory? Why do so many American conservatives look like what they are really angry/terrified about is that they lost the Civil War and aren't allowed to keep slaves anymore? "These people are going to come and get us!!" Is this experience buried in their genes? Anger, hysteria, paranoia...RAGE!!!

This is how conservatives used to express their entirely hypocritical and cowardly anger. But then "Washington" took their slaves away. Fortunately, conservatives soon got Jim Crow and segregation and also..."Bang!"... shot the president that had won the war for the Union (the same year, they also formed the Ku Klux Klan).

Decades later, a "liberal bleeding heart" called Roosevelt changed the former system of unregulated greed, which had led to the Great Depression, to create a more equitable and egalitarian economic system. Cleverly, he was also countering and muting Soviet propaganda about what capitalism was really like. Yet, all paranoid conservatives saw was an expansion of government and their taxes being given to "welfare mom" types - perhaps for "stealth reparations".

Then an "activist Supreme Court" intergrated schools, backed up with National Guard troops, ie the "Federal government". When would this humiliation of conservatives by their own government end? Even poor Joe McCarthy had lost his power to induce a permanent paranoia in America.

The "Little Rock Nine"

By the 1960s, a young president was determined to get rid of segregation. "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!" (or "Bang! Bang! Bang!" if you believe the official version that a lone communist sympathizer did it - but "sssh!" honest investigations could cause World War III!). Anyway "Bang!" soon became the new "Whip!" (as in whipping the slave - see above picture). And if conservatives couldn't have slaves, at least they were going to have their guns. This is how Michael Moore put it in the film "Bowling for Columbine".

The next guy passed the Civil Rights Act anyway - Republicans and Democrats sort of swapped places after that. Now conservatives were really, really mad! "Bang!" the black Civil Rights leader was dead. "Bang!" the former president's brother was dead. Thankfully, for the next decade or so, the "whip/bang lust permanent war" was transferred overseas: Vietnam...

The communists gave conservatives a new (and justifaible) target, but instead they just managed to screw up their moral credibility by acting almost as dirty as the other side (sound familiar?).

A few decades later "Bang!" a federal building in Oklahoma was bombed and 168 people were dead. Compared with the prior evacutaion warnings and pathetic pipe-bombs of 60s left-wing radicals like the "Weather Underground" this attack was big-time!

The pent up and angry perpetrators of the Oklahoma City bombings were protesting against the "Feds".

Suddenly, there was a new "whip/bang lust permanent war" to keep conservatives unclogged.

But it was not going so well and all those tax cuts for the rich and deregulation that promised to create a "neoconservative paradise" on earth weren't working so well. And then this black guy got elected. He was actually going to do some smart things to defeat extremists overseas instead of just feeding them propaganda victories and try to fix the economy. "Traitor! What do you mean torture is suddenly torture? Socialist! What do you mean you need to invest in the country in order to keep it economically viable?"

Is Glenn Beck sub-consciously re-living the "painful loss" for "states' rights" following the Confederacy's defeat in the Civil War?

Somebody get these conservative people a blanket! They are really in total shock. This guy is going to come and get their guns and then get them!!! "Thank God his birth certificate is faked, he was only elected thanks to ACORN fraud and his secret socialist/Muslim agenda will soon be exposed. I mean the guy is black, how could he possibly not be trying to sabotage America? After all, we are filled with bitter rage, so the black guy must be too - against us!"

"At least we still have our guns, secessionist ramblings, code-words, talk radio, Fox News - and lots and lots and lots of pent up anger and ignorance. But we need outlets or we may just explode!!"

So next time you see blind, white-hot, pyschotic and hysterical rage like that recently demonstrated by Glenn Beck...maybe it can be explained as historical memory (imagine Beck whipping a slave into submission) raging its ugly head, the same way it does in every other country on earth - Iran and outside intervention, Israel and pathalogical persecution of Palestinians under the guise of victimhood, Russia's historical self-denial and inferiority complex, North Korea's existence as a historical Stalinist abberation, China's humiliation under Japan, etc. etc...There will always be those who fear inward examaniation believing it to be a sign of weakness.

Fundamentalist conservatives simply can't win fair debates. So instead they distort, attack, discredit or muddy the message of the opposition - as was recently demonstrated in Iran. If that doesn't work: "Bang!"

Sadly, today's hardcore American conservatives have evidently learnt nothing, even after their ideal neocon president (Mr Mis-underestimate) along with shadow-man (Darth Vader) almost brought the entire country to its knees. That part is the hypocrisy of the whip...

Simon Cowell singing attempt ends in severe blushing.

Shy Cowell blushes before the cameras.

An attempt by Simon Cowell to move from critiquing other performers' singing abilities on shows like American Idol to singing himself ended in farce Wednesday after the embarrassed singer succumbed to a bout of crippling stage-fright. Cowell choked up and began to blush really, really badly. His singing attempt was by all accounts a complete disaster..."I'm so sorry," he said afterwards "I just got really, really shy. I'm not usually like that."

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Bread reluctant to be toasted...

"Look, I've been burned really badly before..."

Liz Cheney applauds killing of Bin Laden's son.

Liz Cheney, daughter of former Vice-President Dick Cheney has applauded the news that Osama bin Laden's son Saad has apparently been killed. Saad is believed to have been a very minor player in the terrorist organization al-Qaeda, but in an interview with Fox News, Cheney said that his guilt was clear: "He supported the illegal and amoral actions of his father, and in my mind that makes him just as guilty."

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Fox announces "voice re-sampling" compromise deal over Futurama.

"The beloved voice cast will be heard in the upcoming series of Futurama!" - So begins a new press release by Fox TV, lauding a compromise deal, which purportedly will allow viewers of the new series of Futurama to hear the cast they have known and loved since Futurama premiered in 1999. But the devil is in the detail and may actually serve to further stoke outrage among fans.

The announcement, at least in the eyes of Fox, resolves a dispute over pay that had previously led the company to announce that it was replacing the entire voice cast in the revived series because it was unwilling to meet their pay demands. This led to an outcry among fans, many of whom stated that they could not imagine seeing Futurama without hearing the likes of Billy West (Fry) and John DiMaggio (Bender).

But now, Fox has decided to take another path which avoids the pay issue altogether - resampling snippets of the actors' voices from previous episodes. "We realized that over four seasons and four movies, we had the entire cast saying just about every word and phrase possible," states a Fox executive in the press release "So we decided that rather than replacing such a great cast, we would use today's technology to re-sample and cut and splice previous recordings and make them into new words and sentences."

The press release continues: "Good news everyone! Wait till you hear it; the results are phenomenal! We're back, baby!"

Monday, July 20, 2009

Mel Brooks to star in swine flu comedy.

Comedy legend Mel Brooks (83) is to come out of retirement to star in a film that mocks the recent panic over the Swine Flu outbreak, Paramount Pictures confirmed Monday. The film, described by Paramount as a "madcap comedy" will be called "Schwine Flu" - a similar play on words was used in the 1987 Mel Brooks "Star Wars" parody "Spaceballs" in which "The Force" was replaced with "The Schwartz". Gene Wilder, star of several Mel Brooks movies including "The Producers" (1968) is also rumored to be among the cast.

Netanyahu reportedly going through two boxes of stress relievers a day...

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is going through a least two boxes of squishy stress relieving toys a day, according to several inside sources. "Those few settlements in the West Bank and Jerusalem that he has managed to slip by the US administration just aren't enough and it is leaving him seriously frustrated," said one source "We realized that he needs an outlet for his passions so we got him some stress relievers hoping that that would do the trick, but he is just grabbing them and destroying them within seconds."

The source also stated that extremely violent video games will be used as a back-up measure if the current plans don't work. However, serious concerns remain "The guy needs a war or a line of bulldozers doing some mass demolitions - something big soon or I just don't know what he is going to do. When this is all you've ever known your whole life, you're going to have a real hard time adjusting to anything less; we keep whispering 'natural growth' in his ears over and over again, but that only calms him temporarily."

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The very definition of irony...

George Orwell remotely erases George Orwell books from their Kindle users' devices. Story here - you really can't make shit like this up,

Friday, July 17, 2009

Republicans applaud Fox for Futurama re-casting cutbacks.

The Republican leadership in Washington D.C. has released a statement applauding Fox studios for their recent decision to re-cast the voice talent in the freshly revived animated series "Futurama." The news that Fox is not prepared to pay the former cast members the salaries they were asking for and has instead decided to re-cast the show has been slammed by fans, who have largely reacted with disgust and disbelief, with many saying they will refuse to watch the budget series, while others view this as a slap in the face to devoted fans who have pushed so hard for the show to return.

However, Republicans in Washington have argued that the decision was a wise one: "In these tough times, we need cutbacks," said the statement by the GOP, "We applaud Fox for this bold decision, which demonstrates exactly the kind of thinking we need for the future. A lower budget and a new voice cast will stimulate fans' imaginations leading to a fresh growth of the show. This isn't the time to be investing in something of great quality because of some future belief that quality will bring profits."

A still from the new low-budget Futurama.

BREAKING - HUGE EXCLUSIVE: Barack Obama's other birth certificate found!!!

In this massive Newsifact exclusive, we can confirm the rumors that President Obama has been keeping an alternate birth certificate from the public. The document in question was located after an exhaustive Newsifact investigation in Hawaii.

After pursuing numerous leads and speaking to dozens of sources, we were, somewhat surprisingly, directed to "The Honolulu Star Trek Fan Club." There, the long-time head of the organization produced for us a copy of a "United Federation of Planets birth certificate" sent to young Barry Obama in 1971 when he was just ten years old.

The head of the club, Allen Sanwick, confirmed that "That kid was a huge Star Trek fan. What with his dad out of his life and his mother remaining in Indonesia [where Barack had moved with his mother from ages 6-10; his mother then sent him home and remained there in her job for another year], I think the kid enjoyed the escape offered by Star Trek."

Sanwick explained the application procedure: "He wrote to us and applied for membership, and that included a free United Federation of Planets 'birth certificate' - actually a membership certificate - for every member. Maybe that's what these crazy 'birthers' have been talking about all this time..."

Sanwick (center left) today.

British anti-smoking group becomes huge hit in US Bible Belt.

A British-based anti-smoking organization called "God Hates Fags" has become a huge hit in Bible Belt America, thanks to its name. In Britain, "fag" is a colloquial term for the word "cigarette"; the group, located in London, decided to base its marketing strategy around the notion that God would likely not have approved of cigarettes because they damage the health of His children.

However, a misunderstanding with regards to the use of the word "fag" - which means homosexual in colloquial American-English - has led to a flood of contributions to the British charity from states in the southern US. "It suddenly dawned on us why we were getting all this support from across the pond," said Jeremy Rock, head of the UK-based campaign "Frankly, it was a little embarrassing. We will, of course, have to return the donations and inform the senders that our goal is a little different from theirs."

Chris Pine to release cover version of Rutles song.

Chris Pine is to record a cover version of the song "Cheese and Onions" by the group The Rutles, his agent confirmed Friday. Pine, famous for playing Captain Kirk in the latest Star Trek film, will take on a song originally performed by a band formed as a spoof of The Beatles.

The Rutles, with members including Monty Python star Eric Idle and comedy song-writer Neil Innes, came to prominence in the 1978 mockumentary "All You Need is Cash". Included in the film are numerous songs which closely parody and approximate songs performed by The Beatles.

The Rutles song "Cheese and Onions" is itself a parody of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds", which ironically was famously covered by Chris Pine's predecessor in the role of Captain Kirk, William Shatner. Pine's agent has dismissed the connection as coincidental.

Still from the music video for "Cheese and Onions" in the style of the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" from the animated film "Yellow Submarine" (1968).