Monday, July 28, 2008

Friday, July 25, 2008

Russia cuts off gas supply to Max Mosley's house.

Russia has severed the gas supply to the house of Formula 1 boss Max Mosley following allegations he took part in a Nazi-themed orgy. The reasons given by the office of Prime Minister Putin underly apparent frustrations about Russia's sense of importance in the world. "Why don't people ever have communist-themed orgies?" stated the PMs office, "You dress up as Stalin and send prostitutes to fake Siberian gulags. It is very kinky and fun too." It also added "Mr Mosley's antics are yet another example of Russia not being taken seriously as an important world player."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Is this Osama Bin Laden?

Saddam Hussein and Radovan Karadzic both grew beards to conceal their identities. Now, CIA analysts are considering that the world's most wanted man, already bearded and thus unable to grow a beard to hide his identity, may have taken to disguising himself as a woman. This digitally altered photograph of Bin Laden was released yesterday by the CIA with the aim of alerting people to a potential disguise by the al Qaeda leader. Have you seen this woman? If so, the US government would like to hear from you.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Former Serbian president arrested for impersonating Saddam Hussein.

Former Serbian president Radovan Karadzic was arrested in Belgrade yesterday for attempting to impersonate the executed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. In Serbia, impersonating Saddam is a criminal offence - Karadzic will now be taken to the International Criminal Court in the Hague to face charges of "impersonation of a celebrity or political figure."

Karadzic was arrested on his way to Belgrade airport and is believed to have been travelling to Iraq in order to locate the famous hole where Saddam Hussein was captured (a farmhouse in the town of ad-Dawr near Tikrit) in December 2003. Prosecutors have suggested that Karadzic intended to live in the hole and charge visitors to view him.

Monday, July 21, 2008

You know your country is screwed when...

Foreign leaders make unscheduled visits. Hey, leaders, how about making a scheduled visit? You know, so we can prepare you a nice meal - maybe even a parade? We just want to be taken off the list of countries where you have to arrive unscheduled. It's a bit rude actually, like turning up unannounced at someone's house - how would you like it?

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Documents reveal that Nazis had democracy-themed orgies.

Newly released documents from the German archives have revealed that top Nazi rulers frequently engaged in sordid democracy-themed orgies. According to the documents, during these events top Nazi officials would would release tied up women, conduct multi-party votes, conduct debates and dress up as grey-suited politicians.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Thabo Mbeki embarks on mediation talks with carbon dioxide.

South African president Thabo Mbeki launched himself high into the atmosphere courtesy of a hot air balloon yesterday to begin what he described as "intense mediation talks" with the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide. Mr Mbeki's undertaking is viewed as an alternative to conventional means of battling climate change.

The South African leader is expected to spend several months in the air trying to persuade excess levels of carbon dioxide to not trap as much solar radiation as they have been. "We must not jump to any conclusions," he added "These things take time."

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Guy Ritchie confirmed as first guest on "This Is Your Wife."

A new, sexier version of the long-running television series This Is Your Life is set to hit screens this month. The show, called This Is Your Wife, will be hosted by former This Is Your Life presenter Michael Aspel and will surprise celebrity husbands with undercover footage of their wives' infidelities and bad behaviour.

It has been confirmed that the first guest will be British director Guy Ritchie, whose troubled marriage to pop-diva Madonna has been in the headlines in recent weeks. According to Aspel "We have some really juicy guests lined up. All sorts of men that Madonna has had flings with. It should be a lot of fun."

Monday, July 7, 2008

Britain: Knife crime and bad food.

A stunning new theory about the cause of Britain's current epidemic of knife crimes has put the blame squarely on Britain's notoriously bad food. The theory by Dr Charles Streasur of Hopkins University suggests that the lack of proper food cooked by parents leaves teens unfamiliar with what knives are for. "Look at it this way," says Dr Streasur, "If your working-class mum makes you Pot Noodles everyday, then you are going to know full well what a fork is - but a knife will be alien to you."

Dr Streasur also added "So instead of cutting a juicy steak, you end up stabbing someone on a London street."

Friday, July 4, 2008

Israeli government launches phone poll "Veng-athon" to find best punishment for bulldozer killer.

For several days, the Israeli government has been scratching its head as to how best to respond to the recent bulldozer rampage committed by a deranged Arab citizen of East Jeruslalem. Since the man appears not to have belonged to a terrorist group, the government has been hard pressed to find an appropriate way to react. Now, the authorities have announced the entire matter will be decided on live TV, with a mammouth "veng-athon" - the final form of retribution will be decided in a phone poll conducted across the country. To send in your ideas, go to

At present, the most popular suggestions are:

1. Bulldoze his home.

2. Put a dozing bull inside his home.

3. Bulldoze his neighbours home (to send a message).

4. Bulldoze his grave.

5. Make his family live inside a bulldozer for a year.

6. Tell his family a dose of bull. Something really untrue.

7. Build a big wall around a bulldozer (not sure why).

8. Bulldoze the house of a man who looks like him.

9. Put up checkpoints between the man's kitchen, living-room and bedroom.

10. Find a man called Bill Doze and make him feel a bit bad.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Despite controversy, Halifax bank renews contract with Mugabe's son.

To millions, he is known simply as "The man from the Halifax" - but Howard Mugabe, the public face of the British banking giant Halifax has a controversial relative. His estranged father, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has become an infamous tyrant - but that hasn't stopped Howard from developing his own career, image and identity - despite calls from some quarters for the banking giant to drop him.

This week, the Halifax bank confirmed that it was renewing Howard Mugabe's contract. "I try to focus on the work. Dad and I haven't really spoken to each other for years. But a little of what I do in those ads is for him," says Howard, adding "I try to send him a smile, or a glance and hope that there's a part of him that is proud of me. But I know that he has done some very bad things."

Lead contamination causes Chinese Olympic swimmers to sink.

China has withdrawn its entire swimming team from the Olympic Games following an embarrasing time trial, during which almost all of the country's competing swimmers sank to the bottom of the pools. Tests later revealed that lead, used in a wide variety of products in China, including children's toys, was behind the problem. Lead contamination affects swimmer buoyancy, causing athletes to simply sink to the bottom of the water.

Kremlin hires Patrick Stewart to double for Lenin during restoration.

The embalmed body of the Soviet Union's first leader has been on display in a special mausoleum in Moscow since Valdimir Ilyich Lenin's death in 1924. But, for years Moscow authorities have been insisting that the preserved body is in need of vital restoration work to prevent its condition deteriorating. But rather than present an empty tomb to the public, the Russian authorities have hired noted British actor Patrick Stewart to double for the communist leader during the one month that Lenin's body will be removed for extensive re-embalming. Stewart is reportedly being paid $2 million for the job, which will require him to lie, perfectly still and with eyes closed in Lenin's mauseleum. His hair will be dyed a characteristic red, and he will also grow a beard for the part.

Mike Read: "Buy my single or you just don't care about the world."

Former British DJ Mike Read has released a new charity single which deals with many of the problems faced by the world in 2008. Yet, two weeks on from the CD's release, sales remain woefully low. Speaking at a publicity event for the single named "Read my Lips" Mr Read stated "People have a choice, don't buy the single and do nothing about the world's problems, or set off a chain reaction that gets our leaders to wake up and change the world. That is the choice. I just can't believe people are so apathetic."

Here are the lyrics:

Read my Lips
Written and performed by Mike Read

There was an earthquake in China,
But together we can build a liner,
That takes us to a better place...

There was a monsoon in Burma,

But you don't have to be a learner,

To sail the ship that takes us to a better place...

Read my lips

Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

Mugabe committed fraud,

But you don't need to use a sword,

To steer towards a better place...

Fuel costs are climbing,

But together the world is chiming

A bell that lets us know we're going to a better place...

Read my lips Read my lips
With some shaking hips,

And the world's microchips,

We - yes, we can do better.

No real hope for Tibet,

But I'm willing to place a bet,

That this song can take us to a better place...

The Lisbon Treaty is stuck,

The EU is in the muck,
But the EU and the world can find a better place...

Read my lips

Read my lips

With some shaking hips,

And the world's microchips,

We - yes, we can do better.

Read my lips

Read my lips

With some shaking hips,

And the world's microchips,

We - yes, we can do better.

If the whole world sings this song...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Henman Hill buckles under pressure.

A viewing area on the grounds of the All England Club, which hosts the Wimbledon tennis championships has buckled under the pressure of hundreds of spectators crowding to watch tennis matches on a big-screen. The area, known as "Henman Hill" was named after now retired British tennis player Tim Henman. Engineers at the club became worried after hundreds of fans of current British hopeful Andy Murray crowded the site to watch the Scottish player's latest match. Following his victory, they noticed that the hill - also often referred to as "Murray Mound" had began to subside. "The hill just can't take the pressure of all these fans. We may have to find a way of relieving the pressure, or the entire area may collapse," said one official at the site.

BBC orders investigation after phone poll names Blue Peter cat "Mugabe."

The BBC has ordered an immediate investigation after a telephone competition to name a cat on the children's television programme Blue Peter, led to it being christened "Mugabe." Official results showed that the name "Mugabe" won 85.5% percent of the vote, a stunning figure. Other names such as "Kitty" or "Mitty" barely registered at all in the poll. Yet the BBC has rejected accusations that the competition was rigged, insisting that the phone poll was both free and fair.