Friday, February 27, 2009

White House Denies Obama Superman Cover-Up.

Original picture - taken down within one hour of posting.

The White House has rigorously denied any involvement in the alteration of official photographs of the US president Barack Obama, which appeared to remove evidence that President Obama was wearing a Superman T-Shirt inder his white shirt.

The alterations are said to have been made to an official photo of President Obama departing Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland en route to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina on Friday 27th Febuary 2009. An official photo of President Obama departing Marine One was published by the White House official website at 10:15am ET. However, that picture was soon taken down and replaced with an apparently re-touched photo two hours later. Gone was any evidence of a gust of wind revealing a Superman logo creeping out from under Obama's shirt.

Altered photo appeared at two hours after original was taken down.

The White House has continued to deny that any alterations were made, and has issued a statement saying that "The purported original is in fact the forgery. We have nothing more to say on the matter."

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Italian PM denies talk of recession.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has continued to fend off talk of a recession. At a recent summit held in Rome, Mr Berlusconi stated: "There is absolutely no RECESSION. In fact, I am witnessing the GREEN SHOOTS of recovery every day. GROWTH continues to get stronger and any talk of a REDUCTION is completely false. The situation remains LUSH and very, very THICK."

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

British PM maintains passion for "Special Relationship."

"Oh, yeah baby...!"

Obama speech: Liveblog

2100 (ET): Missing the first part of speech because I am writing this blog.

2104 (ET): Obama was about to detail several important issues, but I remembered I had to divert my attention and write this post instead.

2111 (ET): Can't focus on the speech. Getting really worried about my next liveblog update.

2120 (ET): Still having problems focusing on the speech. I mean, who the hell reads liveblogs anyway?

2134 (ET): Sorry, I've been away for fourteen minutes. I hope people didn't think I had stopped liveblogging. How often should I liveblog anyway?

2137 (ET): Thought there might have been a boring bit so went to write, but now I am hearing clapping. Unfortunately I missed why that might be because I was writing my liveblog.

2142 (ET): Obama made a great point about education. But I guess you heard that.

2201 (ET): Imagine if Obama liveblogged his own speech. He'd have to keep stopping and sit down by a laptop. "Just finished sentence about health-care reform. Think it went quite well. Back soon."

2207 (ET): Sorry. Been busy updating my Twitter coverage of the speech. Might have missed some of the recent parts of what Obama said. But, in my valuable opinion, it is going really well.

2209 (ET): More clapping. Just went to the bathroom. I guess you didn't need to know that.

2213 (ET): It's over. Or is it? Has Obama's challenge really just begun? I'll be liveblogging my thoughts on that later.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The name game - Jindal v Obama 2012: Why Obama Has Already Won.

While still a teenager, "Barry" Obama got rid of his Western-sounding nickname and decided that he wanted to be called Barack - his real name given to him by his Kenyan father.

From Newsweek March 31 2008: "Barry Obama decided that he didn't like his nickname. A few of his friends at Occidental College had already begun to call him Barack (his formal name), and he'd come to prefer that. The way his half sister, Maya, remembers it, Obama returned home at Christmas in 1980, and there he told his mother and grandparents: no more Barry."


Meanwhile, and somwhat conversely, Piyush Jindal decided it would be better to mask his own "funny name" which reflected his Punjabi Indian heritage. So, he found the most Western-sounding name he could find - "Bobby", based on the character Bobby Brady from that truly multiracial TV show The Brady Bunch (we're not making this up - see Wikipedia). Now he serves as the Republican governor of Louisiana and is viewed as one of the top GOP presidential candidates in 2012.

But the question remains: Would anyone have voted for "Steve" or "Rick" Obama, knowing that he was so ashamed of his real name that he took a white Western name from The Brady Bunch? Don't think so. Sorry, Piyush your campaign is already over.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a little too close to the First Lady.

"Hey baby, maybe we kud talk about dis bed! Did you know my wife is a Democrat?"

Young Obama and JFK in the Oval Office.

Newsifact scoops Bush.

In our December 16th 2008 story we suggested that Bush was secretly training for a post as a Wal-Mart supermarket greeter.

On 21 Febuary 2009, the rest of the mainstream media finally caught up with the story - see Dallas Morning News.

That is why Newsifact is gaining a reputation as the iWoodwardandBernstein of the internet. We have the news before it even happens.

Troubled automaker GM to invest in VHS videos.

Troubled automaker General Moters has announced plans to reverse its fortunes by investing $10 billion in the VHS video market. "We beilieve that DVDs have not yet entirely shown that they are the future," said GM CEO Rick Wagoner at a press conference "The VHS market is sturdy and we at GM believe that this is where our future lies."

Wagoner further stunned the assembled audience gathered at GM's headquarters in Detrioit, Michigan by announcing that the company will limit itself to producing 30 minute videotapes, rather than the more common 180 minute or even 240 minute tapes. "Time will tell, but I think that it is the right choice" said Wagoner of the decision.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Thabo Mbeki launches "Wait and See Foundation."

On Sunday, former South African president Thabo Mbeki launched his "Wait and See Foundation", which seeks to promote the concept of waiting and seeing what happens in various hotspots around the world. To celebrate the birth of this important new foundation, Newsifact is giving away 100 Thabo Mbeki "Wait and See" T-Shirts. Just answer this question: Where would you most like to prescribe Thabo Mbeki's "Wait and See" ideas? We'll announce the winners next week.

Please visit our friends at Dark Beige

EXCLUSIVE: Cancer Jade Wedding Photos!

Newsifact brings you exclusive pictures from the recent wedding of celebrity cancer sufferer Jade Goody - formerly a contestant on the UK's Big Brother television show.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

If today's Republicans had been around at key points in human civilization...

By around 46BC, the Romans had sewage systems to drain waste from homes. In the 19th century major cities undertook projects to create sewage systems for most homes.

Republicans: "Can you believe this? The government is actually going to spend money on connecting each home to a series of pipes just to take away human waste! Let's just have some tax cuts and keep the government out of people's homes!"

Also in the 19th century, cities begin to develop water supply infrastructures, which also hark back to Roman times...

Republicans: "Leave the market to meet supply and demand. Why waste money on a crazy system of pipes when the wells we have are full and aren't ever going to run out. Let those who can afford such systems pay for them, and the rest can trickle down to everyone else."

The late 18th century - the idea of the steam locomotive starts to lead to the creation of a railway transport infrastructure.

Republicans: "Are we really going to waste money on some pie-in-the-sky scheme to connect far off places by building miles and miles of railway lines? Let's just have some tax cuts and stick to horses!"

The notion of an education system for children and older students has existed since around 1500BC, perhaps earlier...

Republicans: "You want to take away my child for hours each day to be indoctrinated and controlled by government forces - and you want my tax dollars to pay for it? Then you've got a serious fight on your hands, mister! Tax cuts would allow families to spend more on educating their own children."

In 1881, the world's first electricity distribution system was established in Godalming, England when a generator supplied power to street lights. In the ensuing decades electricity grids spread throughout the world.

Republicans: "Am I hearing this right? You want to waste my money on some crazy scheme to connect each and every home with copper wires? Sounds like a communist mind-control plot. Count me out. Tax cuts would be far better."

In the early 19th century, the invention of the electrical telegraph spurs the eventual invention of the telephone.

Republicans: "You want what?! A system of cables so that the government can listen to me in my home. You've got a fight on your hands, mister. Now let's quit this crazy talk and pour ourselves a nice round of tax cuts instead."

Trails lead to paths and they lead to roads. In 1956, Republican president Dwight D. Eisenhower appropriates $25 billion for the construction of highways in the US. A similar boom takes place across much of the developed world folowing the success of the automobile.

Republicans: "$25 billion!?!?! Are you crazy? My taxpayer money is being spent on concrete? Are we living in communist Russia? Tax cuts would build far more..."

Today: Ideas for new grids to transport green energy; new kinds of green energy; electric cars that could be recharged just by plugging them in to your power socket at home...

Republicans: "No, no, no, no, NO!!!! This is socialism! I want a f***ing TAX CUT!!!"

It just would have been the same thing all over again...

Baroque Obama... "Yes, we can!"

And Earl Limbaugh... "No, we shouldn't!"

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Newsifact investigation reveals the one thing left in America that still works.

A massive Newsifact investigation spanning all 50 states of the United States of America has unearthed the one thing left after 8 years of George W. Bush that still works: A man's bicycle in the state of Maine. "Seriously, my bike works just fine," said John Alanson, owner of the bike in question "Really - I couldn't be happier with it. No problems at all."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

EXCLUSIVE: New Prince Harry race controversy - thought Ashley Cole was a nickname.

British monarch Prince Harry has once again found himself involved in a race row after telling black England and Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole that he thought that "Ash-ley Coal" was a nickname given to him because he was black. The comments came as Prince Harry met with members of the England football squad following Wednesday's 2-0 defeat in a friendly against Spain. Harry, who was watching the match visited the players after the final whistle and apperantly put his foot in it right in front of Cole's team mates.

According to an audiotape of the conversation, Harry told Cole "Oh, I get it. Ash-ley Coal. That is a great nickname for a negro fella like you, what with your ashed and coaled up face - even though you're quite light for one of them people. What's your real name? Something unpronouncable I bet like Wooga Ombuga!" Reportedly, Ashley Cole was not amused and excused himself immediately. Buckingham Palace has offered its sincere apologies, stating that "The Prince deeply regrets this incident." The scandal comes hot on the heels of another incident in which Prince Harry was caught referring to an Asian army friend as a "Paki".

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ray Mears banned from Brazil for gorging on wild food.

British survival expert and BBC television presenter Ray Mears has been thrown out of Brazil, following an incident that allegedly occurred deep inside the country's vast Amazon rainforest. According to a statement released by the Brazilian government, Mr Mears "Was found to have repeatedly gorged on wild food items in protected reservations, leading to a dangerous decimation of the local environment."

Mears, whom critics have noted is somewhat obese for a person who spends much of his time in the wild, has denied the charges. In a statement issued by the BBC, Mears noted "As an iconic living legend with no peers, it is difficult to bring my survival skills to the world. But my knowledge, my expertise, my passion, my greatness, my legendary status and my massive abilities are a gift that only I have. I utterly reject the accusations levelled at me by the Brazilian government."

Mears also accused the Brazilian government of inventing the accusations because they were jealous of his vast skills, noting "I went to the Amazon to teach the natives there my extraordinary and great skills. For that I should be applauded as a living legend and an icon. Instead the Brazilian government invents this false charge. My weight comes not from my travels, but from my binge-eating when I return to my native England and I only binge eat because people don't seem to understand how great I am. They even tell me that I have an ego problem and that I am not very likeable. Can you believe that?"

Monday, February 9, 2009

Grand Pricks...

Finally, you can mis-pronounce Grand Prix and not feel silly...

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Michael Phelps says sorry for sucking on penis pump.

Multi Olympic gold-medal winning swimmer Michael Phelps has apologised after pictures emerged of the athlete sucking on a penis enlargement pump. "I've always had a small tongue and I thought it might help me speak better," said Phelps in a statement released today - "In retrospect, I realise that what I did was wrong and sets a terrible example. I'm sorry."

Friday, February 6, 2009

Al Gore: Steve Martin has now passed pollution tipping point.

Former US Vice-president and Nobel Prize-winning environmentalist Al Gore has levelled a scathing indictment of comedy actor Steve Martin, saying that Mr Martin had now "Crossed a dangerous tipping point of polluting the world with crap films."

The comments were made by Gore at an environmental summit in Switzerland. During his rousing speech, Vice-president Gore argued that "In my opinion, the number of crap films he has made now outnumber the number of good ones. He has therefore become a net film polluter." Mr Gore also urged Martin to "...for the sake of the planet, please stop pumping this toxic filth like Pink Panther 2 and Cheaper by the Dozen 1 and 2 into the world. The ability of great films like The Jerk and Planes, Trains & Automobiles to absorb this kind of crap is running dangerously low." Mr Martin has declined to comment.

Is Al Gore right?

Classic Steve Martin Films: The Absent-Minded Waiter (short); The Jerk; Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid; The Man with Two Brains; All of Me; Little Shop of Horrors; Planes, Trains and Automobiles; Dirty Rotten Scoundrels; LA Story and Bowfinger. (10)

Crap Steve Martin Films: Parenthood; HouseSitter; Leap of Faith; A Simple Twist of Fate; Mixed Nuts; Father of the Bride; Father of the Bride Part II; Sgt. Bilko; The Out-of-Towners; Cheaper by the Dozen; Cheaper by the Dozen 2; Shopgirl; The Pink Panther; Baby Mama and The Pink Panther 2. (15)

On the fence: Pennies from Heaven; The Lonely Guy; Three Amigos!; Roxanne; Grand Canyon and The Spanish Prisoner. (6)

Number of years since Martin made a good film (Bowfinger, 1999) : 10.

Answer: Yes, but the on-the-fence swing vote could just barely swing it for Martin - but there are other films we haven't mentioned (never heard of) like Joe Gould's Secret.

Verdict: Gore is correct - Martin has become a net film polluter.

Mathematicians baffled by Lucas-Spielberg puzzle.

Mathematics experts have stated that they are baffled by a new equation, which seems to defy logic. The equation involves Hollywood director-producers Steven Spielberg and George Lucas and should by the principles of logic go thus:

Spielberg + Lucas = 2

However, scientists testing the equation with a special supercomputer based in Silicon Valley, California, have stated that the computers keep churning up this instead:

Spielberg + Lucas = -2

"We are baffled," said one mathematics expert "How one plus one could equal minus two is beyond us. It is a great mystery. We even added the latest Indiana Jones movie into the mix and that nearly destroyed the computer!"