Thursday, January 29, 2009

Lego makers issue urgent appeal after test model goes missing.

The makers of Lego, the children's toy building sets, have issued an urgent appeal after a test model disappeared from their laboratory in Denmark early on Thursday morning. "The public should not approach this model and call the police immediately. Something has gone very, very wrong," said a spokesperson.

McCartney fends off "Yoko Ono 2" accusations.

First Paul McCartney went out with a woman that looked like a younger version of himself in drag...

Now he's dating a woman who looks like a cross between him and Yoko Ono...

What would Freud say?

Zimbabwe mocks US with $100 trillion dollar note.

Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe has openly mocked the US's economic woes, offering to give the country a coveted $100 Trillion Zimbabwean banknote. "This one banknote is bigger than the entire US stimulus package and we have it right here!" shouted Mugabe to supporters yesterday "But we won't give it to them Never!"

Modern Zimbabwe is aflood with money given in the last ten years by US banks in response to email offers relating to lucrative offers regarding dead princesses, gold dust and other such scams. Under the former US president George W. Bush, such scams went unregulated until the financial crash in September, when it was revealed that US banks had been tricked into sending almost all of their money to Zimbabwe with the promise of "huge rewards" and "commissions" that never materialised.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Israel warns Gazza not to join Hammers.

The Israeli government has issued a strongly worded statement warning retired English football star Paul Gascoigne not to accept an offer to join the Premier League club West Ham United. The offer was made to Gascoigne (whose nickname is Gazza) by West Ham manager Gianfranco Zola last week. Discussing the offer, Zola said "I still believe that Gazza has great talent, despite some of his recent troubles and we would fully embrace him at West Ham." The 41 year-old footballer has struggled with mental health problems as well as alchoholism since he retired from the game in 2004.

Gazza has not yet formally reacted to the offer to join West Ham (nicknamed the "Hammers") but has been urged not to do so by the Israeli government. "We strongly urge Gazza to reject the Hammers." said government spokesperson Mark Regev "If he doesn't, we cannot be responsible for what happens to him or all of London for that matter."

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

BBC stands by segregation decision.

The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) has stated that it stands by a recent decision to segregate staff along racial lines. As the above picture reveals, the BBC's centre of operations has now been designated "White City" with non-whites barred access.

Longtime BBC presenter Moira Stewart learned of the change while on her way to work: "I was politely asked to move my things to 'Black City' a new BBC department based in Henley. It all came as such a shock."

In a seperate decision, the BBC has defended naming its BBC World Service headquarters "Bush House" in honour of the just departed US president George W. Bush. "This move continues our recent legacy of impecable judgement in a variety of matters," said a BBC spokesperson "History will prove us right."

Monday, January 26, 2009

Star Trek star files for bankruptcy after failed enterprise.

Star Trek actor Jonathan Frakes, known to hundreds around the world as Commander William Riker from the Star Trek: The Next Generation television series, has filed for bankruptcy, it has emerged. In 2005 Frakes launched a line of foods under the "Jonathan's" banner - the products all took advantage of the actor's surname, substituting the word "flakes" for "Frakes".

However, the "Jonathan's" company soon accumulated a mass of debts and Frakes was eventually forced to admit that he had grossly overestimated demand. A series of cash injections and emergency loans followed, but by then it was too late. "Jonathan's" went into liquidation on Sunday, with estimated debts of $270 million. "I put my life and fortune into this," Frakes told Newsifact on Monday "I thought that the idea of corn Frakes and chocolate Frakes would appeal to millions around the world - not just Star Trek fans, but I was wrong. Now I am broke and frankly completely screwed."

EXCLUSIVE: Obama takes oath for the third time.

Newsifact can exclusively reveal that President Barack Obama has again re-taken the presidential oath of office.

Take 1

On inauguration day, Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed a key part of the oath.

Take 2

So a quick-do over was ordered, to silence those who were saying Obama was not the president, even though Constitutional experts said he was.

Take 3

But rabid anti-Obama-ites now complained that he didn't use a Bible for the do-over, meaning you know what. So as this picture reveals, Obama has taken the oath again, but this time there is a Bible - but no Chief Justice. "Oops! Who knows, I might make this a weekly thing..." said Obama afterwards "Until we get it just right."

Take 4 - just Obama.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New book by Israeli PM raises eyebrows.

A new book authored by the outgoing Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert has been raising eyebrows across the globe. The book, entitled "How to Raise your Child - Twenty Lessons to Beat into your Kids" features Ehud Olmert laying out his approach to bringing up a child - with violence playing a central role. The twenty chapters, laid out with bullet point question and answer tips written by Olmert have been described as "disgusting" and "horrific" by critics, although Olmert's publishers have stated they are adamant that the book is "a great work".

Here are some excerpts from the book:

Q: What should I do if my child misbehaves?

A: Beat them so severely that they end up in a coma.

Q: But how far is too far?

A: Try to follow the 1000:1 rule. If you punish your child one thousand times harder than what they did, they will learn to behave.

Q: Can you be more specific?

A: Just follow this little poem I wrote - 'If they answer back, break their back; if they start to cry, tell them they will die; if they are late coming home, crush a bone.

Q: What if they just leave their empty plate on the table or something small like that?

A: You shouldn't overreact, but don't let them think they are getting away with anything either. I would recommend bulldozing their bedroom.

Q: If they begin to behave well, should I reward them?

A: Assume that they are preparing a huge act of insolence in the future. Move a stranger into their bedroom and lock them in a cupboard for twenty hours a day.

Q: What if my child does something really bad, like stealing from someone?

A: Call all your friends over, push the kid to the floor and tell everyone to just kick the shit out of him or her.

Q: So it doesn't matter if it is boy or a girl?

A: No. But you can't kick a girl in the balls, so you have to kick them in the head a bit more.

Q: Won't my kids hate me if I do what you suggest?

A: If they survive. But seriously, it doesn't matter if they hate you or not. What matters is that they know that you won't allow yourself to be humiliated by them. When they are lying in hospital bleeding to death, they will finally understand that they brought this on themselves and learn to behave well in the future. It is that fear that is the key to good relations with your kids.

Q: What if my kid is bullying another child at school.

A: This is a truly proud moment for any parent. Seeing your child grow up and follow in your footsteps really brings tears to your eyes. I would suspend beating your child for at least three hours.

Q: I think you are disgusting.

A: You're lucky I'm not your father.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Clint Eastwood to sue Obama for "making me soppy."

Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood has launched a major lawsuit in the state of California against the new US president Barack Obama, it has emerged. The actor is suing Obama for $30 million for alleged losses in earnings resulting from Eastwood's apparent newfound inability to act stemming from the activities of Barack Obama.

Speaking about the lawsuit, Mr Eastwood, noted for his tough-guy on-screen persona, said "This guy is just ruining me. Ever since he got elected, I've just been weeping like an idiot. Then you see these pictures of him handing out food parcels, or visiting black kids in inner city schools...The guy has turned me into a drooling, soppy mess."

Eastwood specifically claims that Obama's actions are causing him to be unable to continue in his acting career "That angry, hard, I'll shoot you if you don't shut up look that I do has become impossible for me lately. I report to the set ready to do my thing but soon start thinking about Obama's beautiful family, or historic win and just end up a drooling mess again," said Eastwood.

The 77 year-old actor also likened his situation to the proverbial trumpet player "I've heard that they can't play if they see someone sucking on a lemon - well I know how they feel." The new president's office has declined to comment.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Tsvangirai: I was forced to share bedroom and bathroom with Medvedev.

Zimbabwean opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai has revealed that he was forced to share a bedroom and bathroom with Russian president Dmitry Medvedev during a recent official visit to Russia. Tsvangirai made the comments after returning from a two day visit to Moscow designed to gain Russian support for his opposition Movement for Democratic Change party, which is still locked in protracted power-sharing talks with the ruling Zanu-PF party of president Robert Mugabe.

"I never thought anyone could be more humiliated than me," said Tsvangiria in an interview afterwards, "But Putin treats Medvedev worse than Mugabe treats me." The comments appeared to underscore the oft-heard outside impression that the current Russian President is little more than a subservient puppet of the now Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

The MDC leader went on to describe the details of the visit in surprising detail, telling an interviewer "Prime Minister Vladimir Putin makes Medvedev sleep in the servants quarters - he hasn't moved out of where he lived when he was president...and when I arrived, I was told we would have to share a room and a bathroom. During the night, Putin rang Medvedev and I and we had to go and rub his feet. Oh well, at least I didn't get beaten up like I do in Zimbabwe!"

Tsvangirai also acknowledged that he and Medvedev had developed a strong bond during the visit, "Only he and I know what certain political situations are like. You can't bathe with a man and not get a deep understanding of his soul."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

EXCLUSIVE: The complete text of the Obama presidential inauguration address!

In this huge Newsifact exclusive, we bring you the full inaugural address, one day before Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. This was something the President-elect had hoped to reveal shortly after being sworn in, and it has remained a closely guarded secret, but Newsifact has the scoop!

As part of our investigation, we had staff in seven continents, spoke to hundreds of sources, followed up on thousands of leads and conducted numerous interviews - many off the record. Finally, a meeting with a deep background source enabled Newsifact to obtain and exclusively present for the first time anywhere the full and complete inaugural address.

And here it is:

United States Capitol
Capitol Hill
441 4th Street NW
Washington, D.C. 20515
United States

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bush touts Iraqi pigeon connection in NY plane crash.

In his farewell address to the nation given on Thursday night, President Bush strongly touted an apparent connection between the geese which are said to have caused the NY plane crash on Thursday and several Iraqi pigeons. "We have evidence that the geese involved met with an Iraqi pigeon in Prague several months ago," said Bush "We also know about several Iraqi pigeons seeking 'yellow-kak' (a form of bird droppings) from Niger." Investigators believe that the American Airways plane involved in the crash hit a flock of geese shortly after takeoff and was forced to ditch in the Hudson Bay River shortly afterwards. Miraculously, all the passengers and crew survived.

Mr Bush also used the occasion of his farewell address to push his successor to "declare war not just on geese, but on those who harbour them," adding that "these geese will be hearing from all of us very soon!" Outgoing Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is set to address the UN Security Council on Friday in what is being described as a major presentation. Ms Rice will apparently present intelligence connecting the so-called "1/15" geese to a group of Iraqi pigeons who are apparently living in mobile nests and possess weapons of mass destruction.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Actors' plea to Obama: End our exile!

Actors John Goodman, Lenny Henry and Robbie Coltrane have joined forces to write an open letter to President-elect Barack Obama, asking him to end the exile they have endured for years as a result of three comedy films the trio made in the 1990s.

The films in question are the Robbie Coltrane film "The Pope Must Die" - the title of which caused outrage amongst the Catholic community; "King Ralph" in which John Goodman played an American slob who became the British sovereign - and which outgraged Brits; and finally "True Identity" in which Lenny Henry portrayed a black man who changed his skin colour and became a white person in order to get a job - enraging blacks.

All three actors suffered as a consequence of these films. Coltrane was barred from entering any Catholic country and was threatened with prison if he entered the Vatican; Goodman was declared a persona non grata if he entered Britain, while Lenny Henry was disavowed by the black community.

Now all three are asking the new US president to intervene on their behalf. "End our unjust shame," states the letter "We misjudged how far 90s comedy could go, but we have learned our lesson." The President-elect's office has declined to comment on the matter.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Where am I?

Patrick McGoohan (1928-2009)

How many true 60s icons are still alive?

Paul McCartney

William Shatner

Not to mention, Muhammad Ali, Fidel Castro, Neil Armstrong, Bob Dylan, Allen Ginsberg and several others, but not that many...

And still going strong, 1950s icon Kirk Douglas (now aged 91)...

Align Center

Steve Jobs blames illness on name.

Apple boss Steve Jobs has blamed his recent ilness on his name. "It is hard to have a surname like 'Jobs' in this economic climate without paying the price." Jobs also described the illness that has forced him to take a leave of absence from Apple "My body is in recession. That is all I can say - certain functions are being layed off until I see an upturn."

Israel rejects criticism of gasoline fire-engine plans.

Israel has strongly rejected international concerns about its recent decision to substitute water in its fleet of fire-engines for gasoline. According to Israeli authorities, the measure was taken "In order to demonstrate to fire Israel's unyielding will and determination." In a statement released yesterday, Israeli authorities also stated that "Fire is a genuine threat and for too long, we have relied on water to extinguish it. We will not go back to using water until fire realises the futility of being fire."

However, the new plans have met with criticism even inside Israel. A woman in Tel Aviv recently called local fire services to extinguish a small kitchen fire, only to have her house blasted to cinder. However, the Israeli fire services dismissed the complaint, stating "The fire met with overwhelming force until it was defeated. The world should not judge our fires as they are completely different from fires anywhere else in the world. Ours are hateful and threaten our existence. This is our problem, and we ask the world to back off."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

British Royals release picture of "ethnic" friend to diffuse race row.

The British royal family has released a picture of a close friend they call "Sooty" in order to prove that they have friends from the ethnic minority community. The move comes amidst a race row fuelled by recent revelations that showed Prince Harry reffering to a fellow Asian army officer as a "Paki."

"Sooty has been a close personal friend for years," said the statement "When he comes over to Buckingham Palace, he drinks Lilt and eats curries - we even provide him with chopsticks." However, the picture has itself stirred controversy, as it appears not to depict a member of an ethnic minority at all, but rather a sooted up white coal-miner. Buckingham Palace has declined to comment further.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Exclusive: Is Ronaldo the new Michael Jackson of plastic surgery?



In this exclusive Newsifact investigation, we can reveal that footballer Ronaldo has had major plastic surgery to alter his appearance. Just look at the before and after pictures and see for yourselves. Why hasn't the mainstream media picked up on this? What is Obama hiding? Why won't the BBC respond to Newsifact's request for footage? Stay tuned for more on this huge story.