Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Obama lambasts UK charity in new book.

US President-elect Barack Obama has lambasted the UK charity Scope for changing its name from The Spastics Society. The term "Spastic" - describing sufferers of cerebral palsy - began to be seen as derogatory during the 1980s, prompting the name change to "Scope" in 1994. However, Mr Obama's new book "The Audacity of Scope" takes a very negative view of this decision and calls on Scope to revert to its original name.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

We'll be back!!

Should same-sex plastic dolls be allowed to marry?

What has the world come to when two same-sex plastic dolls are allowed to marry? Should not marriage be defined as between two living organisms? This time, those liberals have gone too far!

Is it racist to notice that Mugabe looks like a gorilla?

Newsifact strongly deplores racism of any kind, but lots of celebrities look like animals and we just happen to think that Robert Mugabe looks like a gorilla - so there!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Israeli football coach "deeply disappointed" by 307:1 victory over Palestinian team.

The manager of the Israeli national football team Dror Kashtan expressed deep disappointment after his team defeated the Palestinian national football team 307:1 in a match that took place yesterday. "We could have done so much better," said Kashtan "I guess we just have to learn from our mistakes and do better next time."

The friendly took place amidst tight security, but descended into chaos after the Palestinian team scored an unexpected goal. "We took that as a deep insult and provocation," said Kashtan after the match. The Palestianian goal immediately led overhead Israeli military helicopters to take out several Palestinian players in retribution as well as the referee, leaving the pitch strewn with corpses and craters. Following that, the other Palestinian players fled, while the unopposed Israeli side scored one goal after another, chalking up an impressive 307:1 win, including a superb last-minute header by captain Yossi Benayoun.

"We hope that despite our poor showing - we should have gone for a thousand - this sends a clear signal," said Israeli manager Dror Kashtan "We view any goals scored by the opposition in these friendlies as being completely unacceptable." He also added that future matches would not take place without firm assurances that any "humiliating" goals against the Israeli side would not be allowed by the referee.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Exclusive: Bush shoe-thrower tortured with giant shoe.

Newsifact can exclusively reveal that Muntadar al-Zaidi, the Iraqi journalist who gained notoriety for throwing a shoe at President George W. Bush is being tortured. In an exclusive photograph obtained by Newsifact, it is clear that Muntadar al-Zaidi is being subjected to humiliation akin to the horryfing scenes exposed at Abu Ghraib prison in 2004. Defending the image, an Iraqi government spokesperson stated "He asked for the giant shoe himself. He just loves shoes so much."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Obama-fuelled comedy recession continues to bite.

The deep comedy recession caused by the election of Barack Obama as the United States' 44th president continues to bite, according to new data. The Comedy Central production The Daily Show has announced a fresh round of layoffs, while other outlets, for eight years oriented to bashing all things Bush are also showing signs of strain. According to Colbert Report (also aired on Comedy Central) producer Dan Long "Obama just isn't funny, there isn't much to make fun of. We are really beginning to feel the pinch here."

Other forms of protest media are also taking a hit, with Bush-watching websites like and also announcing fresh layoffs today. Meanwhile, director Michael Moore has cancelled his latest feature film, stating "Oh, what's the point! Everything is going to be fine again."

But comedians and other protest-media types are fighting back. An association of these groups have penned an open letter to Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to bailout the comedy industry by announcing as soon as possible her candidacy for the 2012 Republican nomination. "Millions of jobs are at risk. She must act now to save an entire industry!" urged Jon Stewart, presenter of the Daily Show at a press conference yesterday.

Meanwhile, an Obama aide rejected the calls for a bailout, saying "They should have planned for this eventuality. They had years to plan jokes about President-elect Obama, but just dragged their feet instead. We have little sympathy." However, the aide also noted that the Obama camp had indeed named Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State as a concession to comedians. "We aren't entirely insensitive to the needs of the comedy industry," he noted "There should be some material there to at least tide comedians over until Governor Palin returns to the national stage."

Man who sold his beard to make Shatner's toupee finally speaks.

In the 1960s, Star Trek star William Shatner noticed that he was getting a little thin on top. As the above (very rare) photo of Shatner sans toupee shows, male pattern baldness had afflicted Shatner at a fairly young age.

In the photograph, Shatner along with his first wife are seen studying a man's beard - the unknown man was never heard from again - until now. "Under the terms of the deal, I would give Shatner my beard so that he could turn it into a rug. I was to stay quiet about the trade for 45 years. I was paid very handsomely." That deadline has now finally passed and Mort Schneider is finally free to talk. "Frankly it is a huge relief to finally get this off my chest. Back in the early Sixties, people around me were suddenly asking what had happened to my beard, and I had to stay quiet. It cost me a lot of friends and later my first marriage. I don't know if I would make such a deal again," Schneider told Newsifact. Mr Shatner's office declined to comment on the allegations.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

EXCLUSIVE: Bush accepts Wal-Mart post - transition training underway.

Speculation has been rampant in the waning days of the Bush presidency as to just what the 43rd president will do after leaving office. In these exclusive images obtained by Newsifact, we can confirm the George W. Bush has accepted the post of deputy-assistant trolley attendant at a Wal-Mart store in the town of Monnet, southern Missouri.

"We believe that he is eminently qualified for this post," said Jane Rinkley, deputy manager of the store "We decided to overlook the fact that he failed the standard aptitude test and mis-spelt his name on the application form because of his impressive credentials."

Obama "Lilt" smear photos are found to be forgeries.

click images for larger size

A series of before and after photos that purportedly show that the Barack Obama campaign has been airbrushing any signs of the soft-drink "Lilt" from their publicity materials have been declared forgeries.

The photos first appeared on the right-wing website, and appeared to suggest that Barack Obama was shying away from his black roots.

"Lilt" is the national drink across much of the Caribbean region, hailing from what is today called the town of Lilt, Jamaica. It's blend of pineapple and grapefruit juice has enthralled locals since the drink was invented in 1894, by Amerie Lilto, a key figure in the post-slavery development of the region.

Lilt inventor Amerie Lilto with his family

On May 7th, Caribbean people from Barbados to Trinidad & Tobago observe "Totally Tropical Taste Day" a national holiday, in which people celebrate the drink that has brought so much joy to the region.

19th century Jamaicans load Lilt into barells for export

Yet, speculation remains as to why Barack Obama has never actually been photographed or seen drinking Lilt. According to an inside source "The President-elect does not respond to these kinds of smears." However, President Obama does plan to accept a large barrel of Lilt from the Prime Minister of Jamaica, Bruce Golding as an Inauguration gift on January 20th 2009."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Iraqi "James Bond" hailed for saving Bush from terrorist mosquito.

Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zaidi was being hailed as a hero last night after saving the US president from a terrorist mosquito. Mr al-Zaidi spotted the mosquito sitting on the wall behind President Bush during a press conference in Baghdad also attended by the Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.

"It was just getting ready to carry out its mission of stinging the President," said the Iraqi journalist "So I did the only thing I could - I took off my shoe and swatted the bastard."

President Bush expressed gratitude to the man the media have dubbed "Iraq's James Bond." Experts later peeled the al-Qaeda mosqito off Mr al-Zaidi's shoe and confirmed that the insect was wearing a suicide belt laden with explosives. President Bush was visiting Iraq as part of a surprise farewell visit to the region.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Exclusive: US car woes are fabricated!

Continuing Newsifact's award-winning tradition of investigative reporting (see our Zimbabwe expose), we can now exclusively reveal that neither US car-makers, nor the US economy is in trouble and that in fact, car sales are booming.

This exclusive picture taken in the state of Michigan and obtained by Newsifact shows that far from being stung by recession, Americans are in fact buying so many cars that they are having to stack them up in their back yards. Is that indicative of recession? Why has the mainstream media not reported on this? Newsifact will get you the answers.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Thabo Mbeki offers to negotiate Blagojevich scandal.

The former South African president Thabo Mbeki has offered to negotiate with disgraced Illinois governer Rod Blagojevich, expressing hope that his "unique skills as a mediator" can resolve the impasse. Presenting a series of proposed solutions, Mr Mbeki said that it was important to stress compromise and harmony and not knee-jerk reactions that could de-stabilise Illinois.

Speaking at a press conference in Chicago, Mr Mbeki presented three possible options to resolve the crisis: 1. For Rod Blagojevich to step down and be appointed Barack Obama's Vice President. 2. For Barack Obama to be appointed "honorary Prime Minister" serving under Rod Blagojevich. 3. For the Illinois governor to appoint himself as the junior Senator from Illinois, and for Barack Obama to become the governor.

The suggestions were dismissed as "absurd and foolish" by a member of the President-elect's transition team. Barack Obama has joined the growing chorus of politicians calling for the Illinois governor to step down after he was caught trying to sell Obama's vacated senate seat. Prosecutors have stressed that the President-elect is in no way implicated in the scandal.

Alabama court imprisons dog for "lewd and amoral conduct."

A court in the US state of Alabama has sentenced a dog to spend 30 days in prison for "amoral conduct." The dog, called "Brownie" was arrested after reportedly sniffing the behind of another male dog in public. Prosecutors then succesfully argued that the dog was engaging in lewd and homosexual behaviour in a public place. Sammy Nelson, the owner of the dog called the conviction "outrageous" and vowed to appeal.

Scientists express concern that Leia and Lane are morphing into one person.

US scientists have expressed concerns that Carrie Fisher, famous for playing Princess Leia in the Star Wars films, and Margot Kidder, famous for playing Lois Lane in the Superman films, are morphing into the same person. Both actresses have been plauged by a series of personal problems. Margot Kidder has been troubled by mental health issues, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which led to her being temporarily placed in psychiatric care in 1996. Carrie Fisher has also suffered from bipolar disorder, while spending years battling drug addiction.

"I'm not sure if they are competing or what," said a noted scientist observing the pair "but they are starting to look eerily similar."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Al-Qaeda changes fashion sense with new "look."

The international terrorist organisation Al-Qaeda has announced that it is to update its "look" to more appropriately reflect changing fashions.

Out are the traditional Islamic long beards:

And in is the mullet, as displayed here by Ali Saleh Kahlah al-Marri, a Quatari-born terror suspect, arrested in the wake of 9/11:

According to one terrorism analyst "The group is clearly having trouble recruiting, as its image has been badly tarnished, so this is something of a fashion reboot, designed to bring in new terrorists." An as-yet uncomfirmed report also suggests that the terror group may reverse its long-standing opposition to gays, recruiting members for so-called "suicide-bummings."

Exclusive: Obama inauguration to see return of controversial "Greek Columns."

In a number of exclusive images obtained by Newsifact, we can reveal that President-elect Barack Obama's inauguration on January 20 will again feature a lavish "Greek Temple" backdrop. Obama was previously criticised during his acceptance of the Democratic Party nomination on August 28 at Invesco Field Stadium in Denver, Colorado for a series of faux Greek columns that some described as excessively grandiose.

However, it appears that the criticism has not resonated; Obama's much-anticipated inauguration will feature a backdrop that makes the previous "Greek columns" pale in comparison. Indeed, according to sources, the site of the inauguration, today known as "Capitol Hill", was once actually known as "New Troy" - while its neoclassical style, complete with a central dome and rotunda is also unquestionably Greek.

Construction at the site continues (see above picture), but one thing appears clear - "Templegate" is a story that isn't about to go away. Commenting on the accusation that Obama is again going too far, one staff insider told Newsifact, "It is what he wanted." Meanwhile, conservative commentator and Fox News host Sean Hannity could harldy contain his rage when shown the pictures "Who does this guy think he is? Adolf Hitler? You liberals will be hearing from us conservatives about this scandal very soon."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Bush memorabillia store adds "sarcastic tone" option.

The official George W. Bush memorabillia retailer has been forced to add a "sarcastic tone" option to its line of pro-Bush merchandise. The move comes as the conceded poor sales of its "Thank you President Bush" line of products during the twighlight weeks of the unpopular 43rd president's term in office.

"What customers can now do during online purchases is tick a box that indicates that they would like the 'sarcastic tone' choice added." said Dale Braderton, who heads the online retailer. Although the end product customers receive will still be the same, Braderton hopes that the move will lure more potential customers to be able to confidently say "Thank you President Bush!"

China takes "bold step" with eco-friendly milk.

The Chinese government has declared a "bold step, which acknowledges our nation's resbonsibility towards the environment." The comments come in relation to an announcement that China is to launch its first ever brand of unleaded milk.

"For too long, we have dragged our feet on this subject," noted a Chinese official "This new brand of milk called 'Yiyi', will allow consumers to choose unleaded milk if they so desire - and some studies show that it can be slightly healthier." Yiyi will be slightly more expensive than regular milk, but will be guaranteed lead free.