Friday, October 31, 2008

Russia to create its own "powerful" phallic symbol.

Seemingly jealous of the phallic symbolism of the US state of Florida and the Scandinavian region of Europe, Russia has unveiled plans to create a similar phallic symbol in its own country.


The area to be enhanced is the eastern peninsula of Kamchatka.

Plans are underway by the Russian government to spend 42 billion US dollars in reclaiming land around Kamchatka in order to create a phallic symbol comparable to Florida and Scandinavia. The reasons remain unclear, though one psychologist noted "A chronic need to be viewed as important." as the likeliest cause.

Melamine contaminated eggs contained melamine contaminated with egg.

China has sought to reassure its citizens by announcing that the melamine that has been found in contaminated eggs is itself contaminated with egg. "What this means is that the eggs contaminated with melamine, were contaminated with a melamine that had itself been contaminated with egg, so the overall amount of melamine in the eggs is lower." stated a Chinese government source.

Newsifact then pressed the official with a follow-up question:

"But if the egg that had contaminated the melamine had itself been contaminated with melamine, would that not mean that the eggs contaminated with melamine contained melanine that had been contaminated by eggs contaminated with melamine?"

"Beijing Olympics!" was the response.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

"I cut myself shaving!" jokes MDC leader Morgan Tsvangirai.

"You just have to laugh these things off!" he added.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Bob Hoskins to unveil new facial expression.

British actor Bob Hoskins, star of such films as Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Nixon is to unveil a new facial expression at a ceremony later this week. Speaking before the event, Mr Hoskins said "The one expression has served me so well all these years, but I just felt it was time for something new."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Exclusive: Guy Ritchie to make biographical film about life with Madonna.

In our exclusive interview with Guy Ritchie, the director reveals that he is to make a "deeply honest and personal" film about life with his soon-to-be ex-wife Madonna.

So what made you decide to make this film?

It is a tough time for me right now and this was a way to sort of clear my mind. It will be a very personal, truthful film about a marriage that went bad.

What exactly will the plot of this film be?

The main character is called Roy and he is sort of a cross between Phil and Grant Mitchell from the British soap-opera Eastenders. He lives in the rough part of the East End of London.

Is he a gangster?

Yes, he is. He runs a dodgy car dealership - you know, second hand cars - best not to ask where they came from. He is a good fella, but has quite a temper if you get on his wrong side. The film will be about a sort of gangster war between Roy and this character called Nails. By the way, the film is going to be called Toot. It will be quite violent - a lot of head-butting, which is Roy's trademark.

And how exactly is this about your life and marriage seeing as you are not a gangster and live in posh Notting Hill in the West End of London?

You're lucky I know how to control my huge gangster-like temper!

McDonald's concedes "Freddy Mac" was deeply misjudged.

The McDonald's fast food chain has conceded that a newly introduced burger designed to tap in to concerns about the global financial meltdown was "deeply misjudged." The burger, known as the "Freddy Mac" was tagged as "At only 99 cents, a real bloody mess!" but failed to woo customers. The intention was cleary to tie in the "Nightmare on Elm Street" character Freddy Krueger and the failed mortgage giant Freddie Mac, but McDonald's has now withdrawn the burger - a combination of lots of ketchup and red cheese - and according to one McDonald's insider "It will never return."

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008

I blame Washington!

"How would you feel if your name was synonymous with greed, ineffectivness and corruption?"

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Louvre museum to sue after botched Mona Lisa restoration.

The Louvre Museum in Paris has initiated a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the company it tasked with restoring the iconic 16th century Leonardo da Vinci portrait, the Mona Lisa. The paining has been in the possession of the Louvre since the early 20th century. In early 2008, the museum decided to combat the effects of age-related deterioration by having the painting restored. The results were unveiled earlier this week - collective gasps of shock soon reverberated throughout the world. "This is an absolute outrage" said one museum representative. The company involved in the restoration has declided to comment.

John McCain defends plans for "Grassy Knoll" campaign rally.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has defended a planned campaign rally at the site where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.

The rally to be entitled "Country First - Who is the real Barack Obama?" will take place on the infamous "Grassy Knoll" in Dallas' Dealy Plaza, from where many believe that the fatal shot which killed President Kennedy was fired back in 1963. Both John McCain and his running mate Governor Sarah Palin are set to attend.

A McCain spokesman defended the decision saying "You guys are all paranoid. There isn't any code here at all. It is just a rally and this location was selected because of space considerations rather than any other reason the 'mainstream media' may wish to conjure up." McCain, who trails in polls has recently been accused of firing up negative attacks on his opponent Barack Obama in an attempt to have voters question the Democratic candidate's credentials.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Is McCain a Muslim?

Look at this game on John McCain's campaign website...

McCain apparently hates pork. Muslims don't eat pork. Is McCain a Muslim?

Here is Obama in Iraq clearly eating a rasher of bacon. But look at McCain...

It is a hotdog with no meat. Did the pork offend his faith? And why is he going round saying he'll veto pork? Newsifact wants to know why the manistream media has not picked up on this.

Monday, October 6, 2008

OJ Simpson checks into rehab suffering from trial addiction.

Former American Football star OJ Simpson has checked himself into an unknown hospital in LA after conceding that he was suffering from severe "trial addiction." Mr Simpson was first tried in 1994 for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown. Since then, he has also taken part in a civil murder trial and most recently a trial for armed robbery in Nevada.

Speaking to Newsifact, Mr Simpson said "To be honest, I'm all tried out at the moment. I have to do something about it - I think I have a problem."

Mr Simpson blamed his current addiction on the 1980s TV show LA Law. "Diana Muldaur who played the character of Rosalind Shays and who died in an elevator shaft in an infamous 1991 episode was a real hero of mine. Then when that show ended, I missed the trials, and just badly found myself wanting to be in court. I just love court trials - they are so gripping." added Mr Simpson.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Bush to loan Palin his earpiece for VP debate.

President George W. Bush has announced that he will part with one of his most treasured possessions for one night in order to help Republican VP candidate Governor Sarah Palin. The device - an earpiece connected by radio to a nearby knowledgable prompter - will be on loan during the hotly-anticipated Vice-presidential debate between Palin and Democratic candidate Senator Joe Biden. Mr Bush frequently uses the device during press conferences and many believe it also gave him a helping hand during the 2004 presidential debates.

The earpiece is currently being cleaned and de-waxed in prepearation for Gov. Palin's big night.