Monday, June 30, 2008

We're tired of the rumours!

A Moroccan musician...

A Canadian freight company...

A women's centre in Spain...

Claflin University's Orange Maroon Athletics Scholarship Association (OMASA)...

No, we are not the secret missing links between Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden!!

Obama and Clinton to continue with unity symbolism.

Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are to continue a series of events, designed to demonstrate their unity, in light of their heated campaign for the Democratic nomination. Next week, they will spend the day together meeting the cast of FRIENDS, having a HAPPY meal at McDonalds, visiting a pair of conJOINED twins as well as a faith HEALER, flying on UNITED Airlines across the country and rounding the day off with a party hosted by HAPPINESS director Todd Solondz. It is hoped that this will once and for all settle any negative feelings within the party.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Henman "Anthology" project will chart the life and times of Tiger Tim.

A major project known simply as "The Tim Henman Anthology" has been green-lit, according to several media sources. Purportedly, the project will cover the life and career of retired British tennis player Tim Henman. According to an insider, "It will be a major eight part documentary series, and there will also be a book and CD release."

The documentary series will take a broad look at the life and career of Henman - from the early years playing tennis, to Henmania, to the controversial later years when he experimented with bananas during breaks. There will also be humour, such as the time he hit a ballgirl with a ball and also a look at controversial moments such as the famous remark he once made that he was "a good tennis player."

But the series will also go further. Using digital technology, the CD releases will manipulate several recordings of tennis matches that Henman lost, to create the sound of a brand new Wimbledon final in which Henman emerges as the winner. According to the source "We wanted to give the fans something new, and this was a great way to have Tim actually win something."

Thursday, June 26, 2008

South African President Thabo Mbeki answers reader's questions.

Dear Mr President,
My husband beats me regularly. Should I leave him?
Alice, UK

President Mbeki:
You must ask yourself - "What have I done to annoy him?" I would suggest making him a nice dinner, and then maybe he might stop. Just don't do anything rash.

Dear Mr President,
I had unsafe sex with a stranger and am worried I might have caught HIV. What should I do?
Noel, Denmark

President Mbeki:
A long bath and a good scrub will put you right. If that doesn't work, eat some garlic.

Dear Mr President,
I am worried my husband may be abusing our daughter. I want to confront him about it, but am scared he will lose his temper.
Jonah, US

President Mebeki:
You musn't confront him as it may make things unstable. Instead, try to harmonise the situation. Have sex with him more often, then he won't feel the need to have sex with his daughter.

Dear Mr President,
Some people in my community have signed a petition about the water quality. I know the water is contaminated with lead, but should I get involved?
Manuel, Ecuador

President Mbeki:
No. Absolutely not. Stirring things up just makes things worse. Just boil the water before you drink it and you will be OK.

Dear Mr President,
I am eleven years old and a boy at school keeps taking my lunch money. Please help.
Timmy, Canada

President Mbeki:
Try to give him even more money then he wants. This will make him very happy and he might become your friend. And make sure you don't tell anyone else.

Dear Mr President,
I think I saw my neighbour kill somebody in his kitchen yesterday. Then I went there this morning and heard some strange noises coming from the cellar. Should I tell the police?
Martine, France

President Mbeki:
Buy some ear muffs - they are good for blocking sounds. Some very thick sunglasses will help you to avoid seeing such things in the future.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

McGann: Ince hasn't been vetted.

Former Doctor Who star Paul McGann has launched a fierce attack on newly appointed Blackburn Rovers manager Paul Ince. In a statement issued by McGann, the actor asked "What do we know about this guy, anyway? He hasn't been vetted and may be unprepared to meet the challenges of leading such an important team." McGann also added "What about international matches? How do we know he will represent our interests? I heard a rumour that he prefers rugby to football - it may be untrue, but it certainly gives cause for doubt."

This week, Paul Ince became the first ever black manager of a major English football team - in 1993, he bacame the first ever black player to captain the England squad. During his career as a football player, Ince played for clubs including Manchester United, Liverpool and West Ham United.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Nigerian man who wants to give away millions complains of negative bias.

A Nigerian millionaire who inherited his fortune after a deceased princess left him $30,000,000 in gold dust has complained that his generosity is being ignored. The millionaire decided last month to deposit the money in the bank account of a complete stranger in order to "make someone happy." However, after sending out hundreds of emails to potential recipients, he realised that he was being frustrated by a negative bias created by spammers. "They have made life very difficult for genuine philanthropist businessmen like myself. I have offered the money to thousands of people - I even labelled the emails 'MOST URGENT' and emphased the notion of trust. But no is very sad."

Monday, June 23, 2008

California legislation sees Van Damme become first person to marry his own ass.

Exposing a loophole in new California legislation allowing same-sex marriages, on Saturday action star Jean-Claude Van Damme became the first person to marry his own ass. The ceremony attended by several fellow action stars including Chuck Norris and Stephen Segal took place at a Hollywood registry office and involved attaching a complex series of mirrors to Van Damme enabling him a direct view of his own ass. Following an exchange of vows, a doctor temporarily removed one of Van Damme's vertebrae enabling the action star to seal the marriage with a loving kiss.

Van Damme was able to marry his own ass after lawyers discovered that the law enabling same sex marriages in California included some "fuzzy language". They successfully argued that such marriages could involve only one person, or even take place between different body parts. In a statement to the press, Van Damme noted "For years, narcissists have been discriminated against. Now we finally get justice. My ass and I are going to have many happy years together."

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dalai Lama captures Obama.

In a widely hailed coup for the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama appeared in front of the world's press today to announce that he had captured Obama. The US Senator was snared by a large white lasso yesterday afternoon.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Barrymore to play Grantham in major new biopic.

Troubled comedian Michael Barrymore has been signed up to play actor Leslie Grantham in a major biopic of the actor's life. Grantham, known to millions as "Dirty Den" in the Eastenders series on BBC television has had a colourful life since being imprisoned for murder in 1967. In 2004, Grantham was found to have been involved in an on-line sex scandal, which caused major embarrasment.

But Michael Barrymore is also no stranger to controversy. A recovering alcoholic, Barrymore's career went off the rails after the death of meat inspector Stuart Lubbock in Barrymore's swimming pool in 2001, following severe anal injuries. Despite speculation of a gay orgy that ended in death, Barrrymore was acquitted of involvement in the incident.

Speaking of the casting of Barrymore in the new biopic, director Oliver Stone said "Michael is an ideal choice to play someone with a multi-layered and complex life. He is naturally delighted to have secured the role." The film will apparently be a no-holds-barred look at Grantham's life and influence and is set for release next year.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Some serious questions about Obama...

Real Americans use band-aids. Is Obama a muslin?

Real Americans eat cornflakes for breakfast. Is Obama a muesli?

Many Americans are fat - Obama is the opposite. Is he perhaps a Oba-ma-slim?

Monday, June 16, 2008

Revealed: Journalist Tim Russert was forced to break news of his own death.

London Zoo remains closed after tennis star attacked by frisky animal.

The gates of London Zoo remain closed following an incident that left tennis star Tim Henman hospitalised with severe "lower abdominal" injuries, according to sources. Details remain sketchy, but witnesses at the zoo stated that Henman was visiting the zoo's tiger sanctuary, when one of the creatures spotted the retired tennis player, grabbed him and dragged him into its pen.

Henman, often referred to affectionately as "Tiger Tim" was then "befriended" by the male tiger, who began a mating ritual usually only displayed to female tigers. Zoo staff reportedly tried to free Henman, but were only able to do so after the male tiger had successfully completed its business. London Zoo has released a statement stating that it “deeply regrets the incident.” It also added that it had not yet decided whether the animal will be put down. Meanwhile, Mr. Henman is said to be recovering well.

Terrorist groups warn Londoners to remain vigilant.

Terrorist groups across the world have asked Londoners to remain extremely vigilant following a series of thwarted attempts by the intelligence services to leave terrorist information on the capital's trains. In a joint statement, the terrorist groups said "These people have shown that they are prepared to recklessly leave information about terrorists in public places and are unconcerned about the safety of innocent bystanders. We think that this is a disgrace." They also asked Londoners to remain alert and report any unattended packages to them.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Shatner "outraged" by fellow Star Trek star's new book.

William Shatner, known to millions as Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise has expressed outrage at the publication of a new book by fellow Star Trek: The Next Generation star Michael Dorn. The book is a fictional account of Dorn's Klingon alter-ego Worf and details the character's speculative involvement in the death of Shatner's late wife Nerine. Michael Dorn has defended the book, stating that it is "just a work of fiction," but Shatner's lawyers disagree and have gone to court to get an injunction preventing the book from being published.

Nerine, William Shatner's third wife drowned in a swimming pool under mysterious circumstances in 1999. She was a long-time self-confessed alcoholic - and this is believed to have played a role in her death. The new book by Dorn entitled "If I Did it" details how the Klingon character Worf could have caused the death of Nerine if he had wanted to. William Shatner is said to be both devstated and deeply angry about the book. Some advance copies have been leaked on the internet, but if succesful, Shatner's lawyers could prevent the book's publication currently scheduled to hit stores next week.

Hillary retracts concession with bizarre explanation.

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has issued what many view as bizarre explanation with regards to quotes that have appeared in the media suggesting that she has conceded defeat to Senator Barack Obama. In a strongly worded statement, the Clinton campaign explained that Hillary had in fact said “I con seed Dee feet” – meaning that she was trying to “con a seed she saw growing on British comedian Jack Dee’s feet into believeing that it was in the soil, thus helping the seed to avoid feeling any sense of disorientation.” Many Democratic insiders have expressed disappointment over what they view as a somewhat implausible explanation.

Celebrity heavyweights join forces to oppose government cloning proposals.

Actor Kenneth Brannagh, television presenter Noel Edmonds and entrepeneur Richard Branson have joined forces to oppose the British government's plans to legalise the cloning of human embryos. In a strongly worded statement, the trio stated: "Each individual is a different and unique creation. To copy a living person is simply not moral."

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

New picture confirms hostage Michael Fish still alive.

Al-Qaeda has released a new picture of captured BBC weather presenter Michael Fish. The group captured him more than thirty years ago by pinning his arm to a weather map. A newly issued picture of Fish, confirms that he is not only alive, but also seemingly in good spirits. The British government as well as the BBC have called for his immediate release.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Brits celebrate last day before stabbing is outlawed on London's public transport.

Thousands of Brits travelled to London from all across the country to celebrate the last day in which it will be legally acceptable to stab someone with a knife on public transport. New Mayor Boris Johnston has decided to outlaw the practice, due to what he claims is the high cost of removing blood from trains and buses after each working day.

In typically British fashion, thousands of Londoners, joined by busloads of Brits from across the country, decided to celebrate the last day of legal stabbings in style. London Underground reported at least 320,450 severe knife wounds, with more than 10,000 deaths. Metropolitan Police chief Sir Ian Blair conceded that the police were unprepeared for these kind of numbers. Several London Underground stations even had to be closed for several hours due to severe overcrowding.

One 18-year-old eyewitness at Euston station said "I went in there with four knives I bought specially for the occasion...I got well out of it after a while - I managed to stab eight people and get stabbed myself twice!" However, some critics have worried that the ban may simply lead to stabbings being shifted to another location - "It's just part of our culture and the ban isn't going to change that," noted one participant recovering from the carnage at St. Thomas's Hospital, London.