EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Tiger Woods after crash!

"I'm gonna be fine," insists golfer Tiger Woods.

Environmental record questioned.

Why was it released in mono? Why were the chapter breaks so abrupt? Why isn't it available on iTunes?

New police photo: "Missing Maddy" may be in Australia.

Southern Hemisphere ignore this post.

Fresh fears over Gordon Brown's eyesight.

There were renewed fears over UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown's deteriorating eyesight yesterday following an incident in which Brown walked past his official residence, Number 10 Downing Street, instead of going inside as was planned. The incident ended after police chased after Mr Brown and redirected him in the right direction. Downing Street has shrugged off the incident, saying "The Prime Minister detected a pocket of suffering somewhere in Britain and was trying to find where it was so that he could try to fix it."

Creepy versus not creepy (aka psycho versus not psycho).

Creepy...


Not creepy...


Creepy...


Not creepy...

Questions raised over relevancy of new police image of Madeleine McCann as she might look in an Andy Warhol painting.

"We really think it might help jog someone's memory."

Blair: "I will be the people's president."

Standing in front of the European Parliament building in Strasbourg, France, Tony Blair told reporters Friday morning that if he were elected as Europe's first president, he would be "The people's president." Mr Blair, holding a mug of coffee in one hand, with the other lodged in his pocket, added: "Look...this is totally spontaneous. I just wanted to come out here and let you know what is in my heart. Having completed my mission as Special Middle East Envoy, I now seek a new arena to which I can bring my unique abilities to get results."

Following his short statement, Mr Blair returned back the EU parliament building, declining to answer reporters' questions. Mr Blair's hopes of becoming EU president (a post stipulated by the Lisbon Treaty) are viewed as realistic but fading, particularly because of the former UK PM's support of former US president George W. Bush's invasion of Iraq. At the time, Mr Blair is said to have viewed himself as a Churchillian figure destined for greatness for shunning the apparent "appeasement" of Saddam Hussein. Later, this "delusion" left an indelible stain on his premiership, which ended in 2007.

Sage advice...

"Think about other people's feelings too."

Peter Falk slams Brown and Griffin.

"They are a disgrace to one-eyed people everywhere!"

German football coach discusses latest match.

Germany Go Forward

by Joachim Loew

Germany SWEPT the board with their latest 1-0 victory against Russia on Saturday ensuring entry into the World Cup finals. How did we do it? I told the players that they had to COMB forward in the first half. The important thing was to THICKEN UP the right flank, and then for the strikers to PART by the box and create a SCISSOR-like formation, which would CROP the other side's defences.

At the start, I made sure that they knew that this team had to GEL. Only then would they have a chance of SPRAYING the Russians with goals. In the end, the team really SHINED. They had TONED their STYLE to the point that they had both VOLUME and BOUNCE. I was really proud of the way the players WEAVED through the opposition. I felt like I had GROOMED our side into great squad; the style of play was like MOUSSE - both thick and fluid at the same time. We had avoided being LOCKED into a single strategy. Instead, we could TRIM out the fat and BRUSH up on our techniques as the match progressed. The silver-lining came when we CURLED in the winning goal. Our FANS were truly delighted! They ROLLED around joyously and praised the CONDITION of our squad. But I don't want to WAX lyrical. After the players have WASHED and DRIED, it will be time to focus on the next challenge.

Berlusconi attacks Zimbabwean PM during official visit.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi violently attacked Morgan Tsvangirai during the Zimbabwean Prime Minister's official visit to Italy on Tuesday. Following a policy-oriented meeting between the two men in Rome, Tsvangirai emerged battered and brusied and told reporters that the Italian PM had mauled him. Tsvangirai was then taken to a local hospital where he stayed until the following day. This is the first time that the Zimbabwean PM has been physically attacked by forces other than those connected to President Robert Mugabe's ZANU-PF party.

Shortly after the attack, a relaxed Berlusconi boasted to the press about what he had done: "The guy was clearly part of a left-wing plot against me. By the way, I would have tried to screw his wife, but she died recently and I'm not into necrophilia." said the Italian PM. Snap polls suggest that the indcident has boosted Berlusconi's ratings among the Italian public.

BREAKING: Jordan to recognize Israel.

"I've been reading an atlas, so it won't be long before I can recognize it! I found Italy the other day - it looks like this big shoe!"

Cheney: Obama should have threatened IOC with rival Games.

Reacting to Chicago's losing bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games, former Vice-President Dick Cheney said on Friday: "President Obama should have been tougher with the International Olympic Committee - if they don't select Chicago, then the US will go it alone and hold its own Games. I really feel that the President made a mistake by not demonstrating that there would be major consequences for an unfavorable decision. He should have literally twisted IOC member's arms, not just figuratively."

Mr Cheney also added that a rival Games could still go ahead, albeit with very different rules to the Olympics: "There would be two teams: a team of allies led by the US, and a team of those who oppose us. We would be fighting for good, so we wouldn't need any rules or restrictions. The other side might have a little trouble getting into the US!"

Brazil, which won the 2o16 Olympic bid "Would then have to decide whether it really wanted to host a rival Games" added Cheney "As that would be something that would cause us great offense."

John Bolton

Reacting to Mr Cheney's comments, former Bush-era UN ambassador John Bolton describled them as "The most sane suggestion I have heard all week."

Weird and wrong on so many levels...

Homeless Georgia sex-offenders directed to live in the woods, which is ironically where they...

Story here.

Britain becoming increasingly weird...

Kanye West redeems image following shock UN appearance.

Fresh concerns over health of footballer Paul Gascoigne.

Fresh concerns have been raised about the health of former England footballer Paul Gascoigne after he was photographed looking frail and unwell during a funeral service for England manager Bobby Robson held on Sunday. Gascoigne, aged 42, has battled to overcome alcohol addiction as well as mental health issues since retiring from the game. This has led to a somewhat gaunt appearance. However, "Gazza's" appearance during the memorial service for his former coach, who died of cancer on 31st July of this year has raised eyebrows.

Don't Hassle the Hoff (with talk of going to AA).

Former star David Hasselhoff

President Obama's thoughts during Joe Wilson's interruption.

Really scary psychopath...

This is really creepy...

Newsmax: The most annoying push-poll ad campaign ever? Vote now!

Anti-Obama protestors say racist acronyms "accidental".

Anti-Obama protestors descending in their thousands on Washington D.C. on Saturday have defended the names given to several of their grassroots organizations, saying that their overtly racist acronyms are entirely coincidental.

For example the National Independent Group Guiding Elevated Reform (NIGGER) has stated that its title was guided entirely by a fitting description of its mission to prevent a "government takeover of our neighborhoods" its spokesman also adding "I just don't want this socialized healthcare moving into my street and imposed on my daughter."

Similarly, the Committee Organized to Oppose Nationalization (COON) and the Movement to Overturn the Nationalized Killing in the Everyday Young (MONKEY) have also denied any racial undertones to their opposition to President Obama's healthcare reform agenda. When the racist epithet was pointed out to "MONKEY" the group's spokesperson described it as "accidental" and "purely a coincidence". So far, Republicans, perhaps fearful of losing a key voting bloc, have refused to distance themselves from these groups.

A newly-founded group, the Organization Believing America Mustn't Accept Broad Insurance Nationalization Leading to Absolute Delivery Evaporation and Negligence (OBAMABINLADEN) has also denied such charges, stating on its website "This title simply best describes what is at the core of our philosophy."

How many Khans can you have in a single story?

From a BBC story:

1. "Muslim Khan was a key spokesman for the Taliban in the Swat valley."

2. "He was detained along with fellow militant Mahmood Khan, also reported to be one of the most senior Taliban commanders in Swat."

3. "The BBC's M Ilyas Khan in Islamabad says this is a significant milestone for the army's operation in Swat."

"KHAAAAAN!!!"

John Boehner denies alcoholism in impassioned speech.

Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner gave an impassioned speech on Wednesday dismissing as false persistent rumors that he is a secret alcoholic. "I have an illness that precisely mimics the effects of alcoholism," said the Republican "From the reddish skin, to the gaunt appearance, to the slurred speech, to the glazed and unfocused eyes - this rare illness makes innocent sufferers appear that they are alcoholics when in fact they are not."

Boehner declined to elaborate on any precise details with regards to this "rare illness" but explained that "the disease even produces bacteria in the mouth that produce a strong alcohol-like smell that scientists say resembles the odor of something known as 'Jack Daniels'."

The US Representative also added that doctors had advised him that these bacteria in his body were strongly susceptible to large doses of ethanol and that he had been ordered to drink vast quantities of whiskey in order to defeat the disease. "Normally, this is something that I would never do, but I must follow doctors' orders. This ethanol medicine appears to be the best way to beat this thing, and I am doing my very best to increase my intake. I am asking people to please be tolerant of my appearance during this fight."

Fresh concerns over health of Steve Jobs.

See? This absolutely proves it!

End of discussion!

Right-wing mob attacks Roger Federer during doctor's visit.

A right-wing mob has attacked Swiss tennis player Roger Federer during a routine doctor's visit in the US state of Wyoming. Federer, who is vacationing in the state, undertook a doctor's visit for a minor ailment, but was met by an angry crowd accusing him of wanting to destroy the US healthcare system.

The incident appears to have been caused by a typo in a series of "educational pamphlets" distributed to right-wing groups by a prominent lobbying front group representing US medical insurance companies. The pamphlet had the banner: "Say no to a federer take-over of healthcare!"

After receiving the pamphlets, one Wyoming-based Republican group apparently learned that the tennis star was visiting the area and immediately set out to ambush the man, yelling profanities and accusing him of being a "Nazi-communist!"

"He didn't know what the hell was going on," said one bystander.

The lobbying group has issued an apology for the typo. Yet, this isn't the first time such a mix-up has taken place. Last month, an angry mob in D.C. attacked Judy Feder, a Professor of Public Policy at Georgetown University after a similar typo in lobbyist-produced materials asked Republican groups to "Say no to Feder take-over."

"We have since undertaken several procedures to make sure that these errors don't happen again," said a spokesperson for the lobbyist group "The medical insurance companies have been very supportive and have agreed to provide $400 million for an entire fleet of spell-checkers."

Fan outrage over planned Disney alterations to Marvel characters.

Spiderman fans have reacted with outrage at a newly-released image of their beloved icon, updated by the character's new owners. The image was released by Disney to mark its acquisition of Marvel Entertainment in a $4 billion deal sealed on Monday. But to many fans' dismay, Marvel's most famous character is apparently being updated by its new owners. "How can they do this? At first I thought it was some kind of sick joke," says Brad Timson, chairman of one of the dozens of Spiderman fan-clubs across the U.S. "They've slapped this idiotic smile on him and those big Bambi-esque eyes. It is really disgusting."

However, a spokesperson for Disney defended the changes: "We wanted to do something special to welcome this beloved character into the Disney family. We decided that the best way to update this great character was to widen his appeal to a broader audience. We believe these subtle changes will do that."

Australian actor to sue Yahoo! over name infringement.

Australian actor Yahoo Serious, star of such movies as the 1988 hit film Young Einstein, is suing the Internet service provider Yahoo! over a new search-engine the company unveiled on Monday. The search-engine is called "Yahoo! Serious" and is intented to be a scholarly search-engine focusing on serious subject-matters such as war or famine. However, Mr Serious' lawyers have announced that they believe that the new service infringes on their client's name. They have issued an immediate cease and desist letter to the California-based company and have also set in motion a $300 million lawsuit against Yahoo!.

"If you will pardon the pun," said a representative for Mr Serious, "We believe that this is a very serious matter. Our intention is to protect our client's name at all costs."

Yahoo! have thus far refrained from issuing a statement on the matter, while inside sources suggest that the company has no intention of taking down the new service.

More somber tone for new Obama album.

Barack Obama released a new album this week, one which seems to be a departure from his previous double-platinum effort Songs in the Key of O. The new album, entitled Show Me the Music appears to have a far darker and more reflective tone. As before, most of the material is written by Obama himself.

Reactions to Oasis split.

We bring you images of the wordwide outpouring of apathy following the news that Liam Gallagher is to leave the music group "Oasis"...