Dow Jones diagnosed with "Battered Wife Syndrome".

"Okay, Dow...what is troubling you?"

"I broke up with this guy but now I want him back. I know he made me feel bad and almost destroyed me but I feel so empty and lost without him."

"Actually, I just want to be left alone...help me...left alone...help me!!!

"This new guy talking about my responsibility and a sustainable system is scaring me. I feel a bit bad, because I called him a communist! I'm going to have a fit! I want that other guy to slap me around some more!!! If I just cut myself, they'll see how much I hate being free!"

"It wasn't so bad with the other guy. He made some mistakes, but I can change him. God, my self-esteem is so low."

"What do you mean I don't make sense? Yes, I want your support, but only if it means that I can go back to him. Yes, I got badly beaten, but I felt so secure. You just don't understand."

"I kept imagining that I felt like this."

"Don't tell my friends, but really I felt like this."


"I'll admit that this new guy seems nice. He looks very intelligent. But I can't ever seem to get it right with guys like that. I feel so cheap and dirty."


"I've found a new guy. I'm really sorry, he's just like the other one. I know I should do better, but I just can't seem to change..."

"Oh, yeah...oh, yeah...(God, I feel so cheap)...."

"I just want to get high quickly, it is all becoming such a blur now..."

"I've tanked again, but those that beat me keep telling me that actually I'm helping to bring down that nice-looking guy so I should enjoy being beaten. I'm so confused...Please somebody help me...leave me alone...help me...leave me alone!!!"

Steve Martin to remake own good films "Just so there is no doubt."

Comedy actor Steve Martin has announced that he is to re-make some of his great films from years past "Just so there is no doubt." The announcement was made as plans are underway for Martin to film a remake of "The Jerk" - this will now be followed by re-makes of "The Man With Two Brains," "All of Me" and many other Steve Martin classics.


Speaking to Newsifact, Martin said "Some people are still on the fence about whether I have completely f@#*ed up my standing as one of the greats. I want there to be no doubt whatsoever."


Martin has also announced plans to re-make the original Laurel and Hardy films, with himself in both roles. "When people think of The Pink Panther, they now think of my shit films. The same should apply to Laurel and Hardy." said Martin.

Star Trek: Voyager star slams media for apathy over cast feud.

Actor Garret Wang, known to many as Ensign Harry Kim in the Star Trek: Voyager television series has slammed the media for ignoring his feud with fellow Voyager star Kate Mulgrew, who portrayed Captain Kathryn Janeway.


"She stole some of my lines. I think she wore a wig; she sounded like she was sucking too much helium and I really hate her!" Wang told Newsifact. "Why won't the media pick up on this story. It is really big!"

EXCLUSIVE: TV detective get-together script leaked!

In a massive Newsifact exclusive, we have obtained a copy of the script for the planned 70s and 80s TV detective get-together project that is about to start filming next month.

The TV movie will unite Peter Falk (81) as Columbo and Jack Klugman (86) as Quincy, with appearances from Angela Lansbury (83), alias Jessica Fletcher, Andy Griffith (82) alias Matlock and a host of others including Susan St James (62) as “Wife” from the TV detective series McMillan and Wife and Tom Bosley (81) as Father Dowling. The project was green-lit by Universal Pictures last month after Angela Lansbury finally withdrew a demand to have the audience not know who the murderer was, as had been the case in Murder, She Wrote, though not in Columbo or Quincy.

The Story:

Yes, there’s a murder. And it is big and complicated - there is simply no way one detective, however great, can unravel this one! The murder is committed by a powerful businessman who takes out an LA congressman who is threatening to turn away from accepting bribes and clean up his act.

Quincy and Columbo are watching events unfold on TV, sitting together in a retirement home. Quincy smells a rat. He calls up Dr Sam Fujiyama (Robert Ito, 77 reprises his role) who is now the Chief Forensic Coroner of Los Angeles County. Dr Sam rolls his eyes, sighs and shakes his head, but goes along with Quincy’s plan to conduct a secret autopsy in the middle of the night of the victim.

Sitting at the other end of the room is retired detective Lt. Frank Monahan, again played by Gary Walberg. He is outraged that Quincy would go off on another half-baked scheme, while showing complete disregard for the rules. Quincy loses his temper and gives an impassioned speech about the need to do the right thing. Columbo's old dog barks in agreement.

Columbo decides to ask a few innocent questions of the powerful businessman, apparently at the centre of it all. He is polite, but his incessant attitude irks the man – but he must remain calm – perhaps Columbo is just being friendly.

Quincy’s autopsy reveals the presence of a strange chemical that appears to be made by an obscure company based in calm, coastal New England. Only one person can help – Jessica Fletcher! Quincy and Columbo meet with Jess, explain the situation and are given a great tip: The chemical company is run by a man with a strange mullet. Quincy and Columbo thank Jessica, but before they can celebrate, they get word that a man has been arrested and is to be tried for the murder – but it is the wrong man!

In an extremely moving scene, Matlock is touring a graveyard, weeping slowly. The camera pans across to a woman, also weeping. Matlock steps towards her. It is “Wife” from McMillan and Wife standing over the grave of her husband. This is clearly odd, as “Wife” was killed off in the show.

Matlock, who was friends with McMillan shouts at “Wife” for faking her death. “Wife” takes Matlock past two other gravestones. “That is why I faked my death.” She points to the graves of Banacek and Perry Mason - now, everything is clear. Matlock’s phone rings. It is Quincy – Matlock must come out of retirement to defend a man falsely accused of murder.

But why was the wrong man framed? Columbo gets a lead, that the order was given in Chicago. He travels there and meets with Father Dowling, played by Tom Bosley.

"Dowling will be angrier this time," says actor Tom Bosley.

The elderly Catholic priest calls up Sister Steve, played by Tracy Nelson, who uses her unique skills to disguise herself as a politician and roam the murky halls of Chicago politics to get to the truth. Sister Steve finds out that a former assistant of the businessman whom Columbo suspects of the murder gave the order.

Columbo, Quincy, Father Dowling, Jessica Fletcher, “Wife” and Matlock meet in the Los Angeles court. Matlock does his thing – the audience is stunned by the power of the presentation and the man is set free. But then outside the courtroom, Columbo turns to the real murderer, and with a tour de force performance explains just how and why he did it. After some initial resistance, the murderer concedes. He goes quietly. Columbo waves to the police officers "Officers, the cuffs won't be necessary." The murderer is touched by Columbo's dignified act.

In the midst of the celebrations, suddenly Matlock has a heart attack. Is he dead? “Wife” gives him mouth-to-mouth and revives him. It is over? What next? Back to retirement?

The gang walks off together into the sunset. What adventures will face the super-detectives next? Who knows?

White House Denies Obama Superman Cover-Up.

Original Whitehouse.gov picture - taken down within one hour of posting.

The White House has rigorously denied any involvement in the alteration of official photographs of the US president Barack Obama, which appeared to remove evidence that President Obama was wearing a Superman T-Shirt inder his white shirt.


The alterations are said to have been made to an official photo of President Obama departing Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland en route to Camp Lejeune, North Carolina on Friday 27th Febuary 2009. An official photo of President Obama departing Marine One was published by the White House official website at 10:15am ET. However, that picture was soon taken down and replaced with an apparently re-touched photo two hours later. Gone was any evidence of a gust of wind revealing a Superman logo creeping out from under Obama's shirt.

Altered photo appeared at Whitehouse.gov two hours after original was taken down.

The White House has continued to deny that any alterations were made, and has issued a statement saying that "The purported original is in fact the forgery. We have nothing more to say on the matter."

Italian PM denies talk of recession.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has continued to fend off talk of a recession. At a recent summit held in Rome, Mr Berlusconi stated: "There is absolutely no RECESSION. In fact, I am witnessing the GREEN SHOOTS of recovery every day. GROWTH continues to get stronger and any talk of a REDUCTION is completely false. The situation remains LUSH and very, very THICK."

British PM maintains passion for "Special Relationship."

"Oh, yeah baby...!"

Obama speech: Liveblog

2100 (ET): Missing the first part of speech because I am writing this blog.

2104 (ET): Obama was about to detail several important issues, but I remembered I had to divert my attention and write this post instead.

2111 (ET): Can't focus on the speech. Getting really worried about my next liveblog update.

2120 (ET): Still having problems focusing on the speech. I mean, who the hell reads liveblogs anyway?

2134 (ET): Sorry, I've been away for fourteen minutes. I hope people didn't think I had stopped liveblogging. How often should I liveblog anyway?

2137 (ET): Thought there might have been a boring bit so went to write, but now I am hearing clapping. Unfortunately I missed why that might be because I was writing my liveblog.

2142 (ET): Obama made a great point about education. But I guess you heard that.

2201 (ET): Imagine if Obama liveblogged his own speech. He'd have to keep stopping and sit down by a laptop. "Just finished sentence about health-care reform. Think it went quite well. Back soon."

2207 (ET): Sorry. Been busy updating my Twitter coverage of the speech. Might have missed some of the recent parts of what Obama said. But, in my valuable opinion, it is going really well.

2209 (ET): More clapping. Just went to the bathroom. I guess you didn't need to know that.

2213 (ET): It's over. Or is it? Has Obama's challenge really just begun? I'll be liveblogging my thoughts on that later.

The name game - Jindal v Obama 2012: Why Obama Has Already Won.

While still a teenager, "Barry" Obama got rid of his Western-sounding nickname and decided that he wanted to be called Barack - his real name given to him by his Kenyan father.

From Newsweek March 31 2008: "Barry Obama decided that he didn't like his nickname. A few of his friends at Occidental College had already begun to call him Barack (his formal name), and he'd come to prefer that. The way his half sister, Maya, remembers it, Obama returned home at Christmas in 1980, and there he told his mother and grandparents: no more Barry."

***

Meanwhile, and somwhat conversely, Piyush Jindal decided it would be better to mask his own "funny name" which reflected his Punjabi Indian heritage. So, he found the most Western-sounding name he could find - "Bobby", based on the character Bobby Brady from that truly multiracial TV show The Brady Bunch (we're not making this up - see Wikipedia). Now he serves as the Republican governor of Louisiana and is viewed as one of the top GOP presidential candidates in 2012.


But the question remains: Would anyone have voted for "Steve" or "Rick" Obama, knowing that he was so ashamed of his real name that he took a white Western name from The Brady Bunch? Don't think so. Sorry, Piyush your campaign is already over.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gets a little too close to the First Lady.

"Hey baby, maybe we kud talk about dis lader...in bed! Did you know my wife is a Democrat?"

Young Obama and JFK in the Oval Office.

Newsifact scoops Bush.

In our December 16th 2008 story we suggested that Bush was secretly training for a post as a Wal-Mart supermarket greeter.

On 21 Febuary 2009, the rest of the mainstream media finally caught up with the story - see Dallas Morning News.


That is why Newsifact is gaining a reputation as the iWoodwardandBernstein of the internet. We have the news before it even happens.

Troubled automaker GM to invest in VHS videos.

Troubled automaker General Moters has announced plans to reverse its fortunes by investing $10 billion in the VHS video market. "We beilieve that DVDs have not yet entirely shown that they are the future," said GM CEO Rick Wagoner at a press conference "The VHS market is sturdy and we at GM believe that this is where our future lies."


Wagoner further stunned the assembled audience gathered at GM's headquarters in Detrioit, Michigan by announcing that the company will limit itself to producing 30 minute videotapes, rather than the more common 180 minute or even 240 minute tapes. "Time will tell, but I think that it is the right choice" said Wagoner of the decision.

Thabo Mbeki launches "Wait and See Foundation."

On Sunday, former South African president Thabo Mbeki launched his "Wait and See Foundation", which seeks to promote the concept of waiting and seeing what happens in various hotspots around the world. To celebrate the birth of this important new foundation, Newsifact is giving away 100 Thabo Mbeki "Wait and See" T-Shirts. Just answer this question: Where would you most like to prescribe Thabo Mbeki's "Wait and See" ideas? We'll announce the winners next week.

Please visit our friends at Dark Beige

EXCLUSIVE: Cancer Jade Wedding Photos!

Newsifact brings you exclusive pictures from the recent wedding of celebrity cancer sufferer Jade Goody - formerly a contestant on the UK's Big Brother television show.