Dustin Hoffman attacked during visit to Rwanda.

They heard he was a Tutsi.

Obama to save economy through use of own image.

The presidential transition team of Barack Obama has revealed the details of a complex economic rescue plan designed to stimulate the flagging US economy. Under the plan, failing companies would be permitted to use the image of Barack Obama on their products as well as for their corporate identities. During the current recession, economists have noticed that Barack Obama themed items are bucking the trend and experiencing staggering sales.

Some examples of the plan: Troubled car-maker General Motors would be allowed to print an image of Barack Obama on all cars produced, which analysts believe will instantly raise demand and thus stimulate the economy. "It is a brillaint idea!" said one GM manager "And the best thing is that the value of these items will only go up. We can sell this stuff on eBay in a few years for even more money!"

Meanwhile, failed financial companies such as Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac would be renamed "Barack Obama Fannie Mae" and "Barack Obama Freddie Mac" which is also expected to instantly propel their stock prices upwards. Even struggling home-owners are to be allowed to make use of the scheme. For example, neighbourhoods with falling house prices will be able to rename themselves "Barack Obamaville" or "Obamatown" etc.

"When the guy said he had a plan to save the economy, I never thought it would involve him," said one Wall Street trader, adding "The more stuff has his name on it, the better! Let the good times roll."

The true cost of Proposition 8.

The passage of Proposition 8, a controverial measure to outlaw recently enabled gay marriages in California will lead to an unusual arrangement, campaigners say. Gay couples that have already married will be forced to marry gay members of the opposite sex. Most notably, Star Trek actor Geroge Takei has been selected to marry fellow lesbian celebrity Ellen Degeneres.


Speaking of the decision, Mr Takei accused fellow Star Trek actor William Shatner of having a hand in the passage of Proposition 8 on November 4. "I'll have the last laugh. That toupee-wearing piece of ham will pay for this, I swear!" Takei and DeGeneres are set to be married next week - Mr Shatner has not been invited to the wedding.

Lame Duck.

"I'm just going to live out the rest of my life quietly."

Helping newspaper editors with future Obama headlines.

Obama does something to protect America: "Barack Ob-armour"

Obama reverses positions: "Backtrack Obama"

Obama's legislation fails to pass "Barack O'Bummer"

Obama goes to war: "Barack O'Bomber"

Obama AWOL: "Barack O'Gonner"

Obama goes on a hiking vacation: "Backpack Obama"

Obama charms a foreign leader: "Barack O'Charmer"

Secret Service hits Obama protestor: "Ba-Whack Obama"

More soon...

An exclusive celebrity greeting for Newsifact readers!

Alan Hawking, cousin of Professor Stephen Hawking greets Newsifact readers!

Listen to the message:



Stephen Hawking also recently announced the birth of a new baby (pictured below):

McCain 2012! The Mac is back!

Newsifact formally endorses the grassroots campaign to draft John McCain for the 2012 presidential campaign. Sign the petitions, knock on doors. The campaign begins today!

Geographical blunder sees Palin exiled to Siberia.

An apparent error by Governor Sarah Palin's long-time persoanl pilot saw the candidate landing in Russia's notorious Siberia region yesterday. Governor Palin was returning to her home state of Alaska following her ticket's defeat in the 2008 presidential election.


According to several reports, Palin did not realise that she had not landed in Alaska for several hours. Dmitrij Vostajnev, the arresting officer who later escorted her to a Siberian gulag recalled "She just kept calling me Joe Six-pack, and didn't even seem to notice that I was a Russian and that she was not in Alaska." The US Republican party has announced that it will not seek Governor Palin's release from Siberia until after 2012.

War of words erupts over who will portray President-elect Obama on film.

A war of words has broken out among several leading black Hollywood actors over who will play President-Elect Barack Obama in a potential future feature film. Summed up below are some of the arguments the actors have used.

Chris Rock:

"I made history in the 2003 film Head of State when I depicted a black president. That deserves some respect!"


Will Smith:

"I'm tall, skinny; I have the ears. Come on, I'm perfect for this!"


Denzel Washington:

"I always play serious black people. Any black person can play a rapper, but only I can play a black president. That is just a fact."


Sidney Poitier:

"Who cares if I'm too old? It has to be me! I'm the star of Guess who's Coming to Dinner? Now it's time for Guess who's Going to Be President!"

Russia to create its own "powerful" phallic symbol.

Seemingly jealous of the phallic symbolism of the US state of Florida and the Scandinavian region of Europe, Russia has unveiled plans to create a similar phallic symbol in its own country.

Florida:


Scandinavia:
The area to be enhanced is the eastern peninsula of Kamchatka.

Plans are underway by the Russian government to spend 42 billion US dollars in reclaiming land around Kamchatka in order to create a phallic symbol comparable to Florida and Scandinavia. The reasons remain unclear, though one psychologist noted "A chronic need to be viewed as important." as the likeliest cause.

Melamine contaminated eggs contained melamine contaminated with egg.

China has sought to reassure its citizens by announcing that the melamine that has been found in contaminated eggs is itself contaminated with egg. "What this means is that the eggs contaminated with melamine, were contaminated with a melamine that had itself been contaminated with egg, so the overall amount of melamine in the eggs is lower." stated a Chinese government source.



Newsifact then pressed the official with a follow-up question:

"But if the egg that had contaminated the melamine had itself been contaminated with melamine, would that not mean that the eggs contaminated with melamine contained melanine that had been contaminated by eggs contaminated with melamine?"

"Beijing Olympics!" was the response.

"I cut myself shaving!" jokes MDC leader Morgan Tsvangirai.

"You just have to laugh these things off!" he added.

Bob Hoskins to unveil new facial expression.

British actor Bob Hoskins, star of such films as Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Nixon is to unveil a new facial expression at a ceremony later this week. Speaking before the event, Mr Hoskins said "The one expression has served me so well all these years, but I just felt it was time for something new."

Exclusive: Guy Ritchie to make biographical film about life with Madonna.

In our exclusive interview with Guy Ritchie, the director reveals that he is to make a "deeply honest and personal" film about life with his soon-to-be ex-wife Madonna.


So what made you decide to make this film?

It is a tough time for me right now and this was a way to sort of clear my mind. It will be a very personal, truthful film about a marriage that went bad.

What exactly will the plot of this film be?

The main character is called Roy and he is sort of a cross between Phil and Grant Mitchell from the British soap-opera Eastenders. He lives in the rough part of the East End of London.

Is he a gangster?

Yes, he is. He runs a dodgy car dealership - you know, second hand cars - best not to ask where they came from. He is a good fella, but has quite a temper if you get on his wrong side. The film will be about a sort of gangster war between Roy and this character called Nails. By the way, the film is going to be called Toot. It will be quite violent - a lot of head-butting, which is Roy's trademark.

And how exactly is this about your life and marriage seeing as you are not a gangster and live in posh Notting Hill in the West End of London?

You're lucky I know how to control my huge gangster-like temper!

McDonald's concedes "Freddy Mac" was deeply misjudged.

The McDonald's fast food chain has conceded that a newly introduced burger designed to tap in to concerns about the global financial meltdown was "deeply misjudged." The burger, known as the "Freddy Mac" was tagged as "At only 99 cents, a real bloody mess!" but failed to woo customers. The intention was cleary to tie in the "Nightmare on Elm Street" character Freddy Krueger and the failed mortgage giant Freddie Mac, but McDonald's has now withdrawn the burger - a combination of lots of ketchup and red cheese - and according to one McDonald's insider "It will never return."

Newsifact brings you "McCain's Downfall".

I blame Washington!

"How would you feel if your name was synonymous with greed, ineffectivness and corruption?"

Louvre museum to sue after botched Mona Lisa restoration.

The Louvre Museum in Paris has initiated a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the company it tasked with restoring the iconic 16th century Leonardo da Vinci portrait, the Mona Lisa. The paining has been in the possession of the Louvre since the early 20th century. In early 2008, the museum decided to combat the effects of age-related deterioration by having the painting restored. The results were unveiled earlier this week - collective gasps of shock soon reverberated throughout the world. "This is an absolute outrage" said one museum representative. The company involved in the restoration has declided to comment.

John McCain defends plans for "Grassy Knoll" campaign rally.

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has defended a planned campaign rally at the site where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963.


The rally to be entitled "Country First - Who is the real Barack Obama?" will take place on the infamous "Grassy Knoll" in Dallas' Dealy Plaza, from where many believe that the fatal shot which killed President Kennedy was fired back in 1963. Both John McCain and his running mate Governor Sarah Palin are set to attend.

A McCain spokesman defended the decision saying "You guys are all paranoid. There isn't any code here at all. It is just a rally and this location was selected because of space considerations rather than any other reason the 'mainstream media' may wish to conjure up." McCain, who trails in polls has recently been accused of firing up negative attacks on his opponent Barack Obama in an attempt to have voters question the Democratic candidate's credentials.

Is McCain a Muslim?

Look at this game on John McCain's campaign website...

McCain apparently hates pork. Muslims don't eat pork. Is McCain a Muslim?


Here is Obama in Iraq clearly eating a rasher of bacon. But look at McCain...

It is a hotdog with no meat. Did the pork offend his faith? And why is he going round saying he'll veto pork? Newsifact wants to know why the manistream media has not picked up on this.

OJ Simpson checks into rehab suffering from trial addiction.

Former American Football star OJ Simpson has checked himself into an unknown hospital in LA after conceding that he was suffering from severe "trial addiction." Mr Simpson was first tried in 1994 for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown. Since then, he has also taken part in a civil murder trial and most recently a trial for armed robbery in Nevada.


Speaking to Newsifact, Mr Simpson said "To be honest, I'm all tried out at the moment. I have to do something about it - I think I have a problem."


Mr Simpson blamed his current addiction on the 1980s TV show LA Law. "Diana Muldaur who played the character of Rosalind Shays and who died in an elevator shaft in an infamous 1991 episode was a real hero of mine. Then when that show ended, I missed the trials, and just badly found myself wanting to be in court. I just love court trials - they are so gripping." added Mr Simpson.

Bush to loan Palin his earpiece for VP debate.

President George W. Bush has announced that he will part with one of his most treasured possessions for one night in order to help Republican VP candidate Governor Sarah Palin. The device - an earpiece connected by radio to a nearby knowledgable prompter - will be on loan during the hotly-anticipated Vice-presidential debate between Palin and Democratic candidate Senator Joe Biden. Mr Bush frequently uses the device during press conferences and many believe it also gave him a helping hand during the 2004 presidential debates.


The earpiece is currently being cleaned and de-waxed in prepearation for Gov. Palin's big night.

Newsifact brings you an updated version of the classic 1964 "Daisies" ad.

Secret service issues apology after President Bush is eaten by a wolf.

The US secret service was forced to apologise yesterday after US president George W. Bush was unexpectedly eaten by a wolf. Discussing the incident, one member of the secret service said "It was this kind of joke he liked to play sometimes. You know 'Aaah! A wolf is attacking me!' he'd shout from the Oval Office. So we just thought he wasn't serious - I admit that we just didn't give his pleas and cries for help serious attention until it was too late."

US president George W. Bush (1946-2008)
who was eaten by a wolf today.

BREAKING: McCain names "fun" Vice-Vice President!

In a move designed to appeal to younger voters, the McCain campaign today announced its choice of a "fun" VVP pick to run alongside the McCain-Palin ticket - the cartoon character Poochie the Dog.


Speaking about the choice, John McCain noted "I've heard that a long of young people with their e-mail pods and online internets are crazy about this Poochie character. So guess what? We've put him on the ticket! Poochie is really excited about this too - he's one outrageous dude!"

The McCain campaign has also dedicated a section on its webpage to Poochie, who explains by substituting the letter 's' with the letter 'z' just why McCain's policies should appeal to young people. One section on the McCain-Palin-Poochie website reads "This John Mac ain't gonna raiz your taxez!" In another section, Poochie remarks "The Mac ain't gonna loze in Iraq, 'coz he is with it man, get it? Yo!"

David Blaine stunt ends in near tragedy.

A stunt by magician David Blaine ended in near tragedy yesterday, after ambulances were called the performer's home. The stunt involved Mr Blaine attempting to "sit at home quietly for a week and not act like a dick." Unfortunately for Mr Blaine, only one day into the experiment the performer began to display signs of a deep psychosis and the whole scenario ended up with an ambulance rescuing Mr Blaine from his home after a frantic 911 call. Here is an excerpt the text released today by the emergency services:

"I'm Shrolah, king of the wallpaper men. This room is a channel - a living conduit. The risks we all take...Shatner, he never knew and never will. But had I gone too far, even for me?"

"Please state the nature of your emergency."

"Emergency, like emerging. I had crossed the fragile boundary between life and death."

"Sir, are you injured?"

"Injury, the last channel of psychic metaburbulation. No man since the Aztecs has known the barrier that man is not meant to cross. But here I was, crossing it. Making toast and tea, yet doing so much more. I was channeling my inner fears. The remote control had become a symbol of my own death; the fragile mortal state that carves the barrier between the inner life force and the darkness buried deep beneath the inner levels of the outer soul. There was no going back. I had committed to the ultimate challenge."

Mr Blaine's current whereabouts are unknown, though one source suggested that he has been committed to a psychiatric ward.

McCain: "I won't make unconditional eye-contact with Obama."

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has again reiterated his position that he will not make unconditional eye-contact with Democratic candidate Barack Obama until his opponent admits that he "doesn't understand." McCain decided to stop looking at his opponent during a recent joint appearance in New York to mark the anniversary of 9/11. During that time, not only did McCain avoid eye-contact, but desperately tried to distance himself from his opponent.

At Friday's presidential debates in Mississippi, McCain again underlined his position: "I just don't want to look at him unconditionally because he doesn't understand. Of course, if I win the election, I will certainly look him in the eye after that. If I don't, well I might just have a real 'maverick' fit."

The Wizard of Oz - 2008

If I only had a brain...



I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain.
And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le,
In trouble or in pain.
With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'
you could be another Lincoln
If you only had a brain.
Oh, I could tell you why The ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before.
And then I'd sit, and think some more.
I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin'
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry,
If I only had a brain.

*

If I only had a heart...



When a man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle,
And yet I'm torn apart.
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,
If I only had heart.
I'd be tender - I'd be gentle and awful sentimental
Regarding Love and Art.
I'd be friends with the sparrows ...
and the boys who shoots the arrows
If I only had a heart.
Picture me - a balcony. Above a voice sings low.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo? I hear a beat....
How sweet.
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,
And really feel the part.
I could stay young and chipper
and I'd lock it with a zipper,
If I only had a heart.


Don't worry, Sarah, it's all just a bad dream. There's no place like home... There's no place like home...

US Congress passes $700 billion plan to reset clock to 2000 in "Dallas-style" twist.

The US Congress has agreed to a controverisal $700 billion plan to completely wipe the last eight years from history. Under the plan, on November 4th, the 2000 Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore will appear in the shower and be told by his wife Tipper that he has just won Florida and thus the 2000 presidential election. The plan will closely mirror a similar scene in the 1980's soap Dallas, in which the character of Bobby Ewing was revived from the dead by making previous events - including his death - a dream.

Al Gore has reportedly agreed to the plan, which will involve asking every citizen of the US to reset their clocks and calendars and pretend that it is November 2000 again and Al Gore has just defeated Republican candidate George W. Bush. Issues such as the existence of the Twin Towers, Enron, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac etc. will be blamed on a huge hurricane, which, according to the plan, "took place while everybody was sleeping." The plan also has a "realignment" clause, in which the US will slowly catch up to present time by setting clocks to tick 21% faster. Thus, the US will match real global time by 2012.



In a statement about the proposal, congressional leaders urged the national to go along "We are in such a mess, that this really is the only way out. Even President Bush understands that."