Bush: "Who's this Boosh everyone keeps talking about? Let's get him!"

EXCLUSIVE: Newsifact investigation reveals Zimbabwe cover-up (PRESS-RELEASE).

An exclusive investigation by Newsifact has revealed stunning misinformation by the mainstream media about the African nation of Zimbabwe. In a year-long investigation, we interviewed hundreds of witnesses, looked at thousands of documents and followed numerous leads. Now, Newsifact can exclusively reveal that rather than the media lie of Zimbabwe as an impoverished, poor and broken nation, the country, in fact, has the largest number of dollar millionaires and also billionaires on Earth.

Our investigation has conclusively found that almost every single citizen of Zimbabwe is a dollar billionaire, so rich that they often carry around banknotes in carts. People are so rich, that the government can barely keep up with printing banknotes to accomodate their citizen's wealth, and shops too are almost empty as they struggle to satisfy consumer demand for more. Why have the mainstream media covered this up? Or did they just fail to do their homework?

We expect this news will be huge as it breaks across the world - another scoop from Newsifact.

The titles of some Gary Glitter songs...

-Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)

-I Didn't Know I Loved You (Till I Saw You Rock 'n' Roll)

-Doing Alright With The Boys

-Sidewalk Sinner

-Angel Face

-When I'm On I'm On

-Little Boogie Woogie In The Back Of My Mind

-What Your Mama Don't See (Your Mama Don't Know)

-Oh What A Fool I've Been

Suspicions grow as Gary Glitter denied entry into Chinese Olympic gymnasts.

Suspisions about the real ages of the gold-winning Chinese Olympic gymnasts intensified yesterday after it emerged that convicted child molester Gary Glitter had been denied access to them. Glitter, who was recently released from his incarceration in Vietnam on charges of sexually abusing underage girls recently attempted to visit China to "congratulate the girls in person."


Evidence is mounting that Chinese officials have in fact falsified the ages of the Olympic gymnasts, who must be over sixteen in order to compete in the Games. The recent attempts by Glitter - real name Paul Gadd - to gain access to the young gymnasts has only fueled speculation about their real ages. One source close to the Games noted "Why would he want to see them if they were sixteen or older? And why would the Chinese authorities keep them away from him if they weren't underage? It is a real mystery."

China admits to swapping "fat" Michael for "handsome" Roger.

The Chinese government has publicly admitted to substituting a picture of documentary film-maker Michael Moore for 007 star Roger Moore in publicity materials for the Chinese release of the documentary film "Bowling for Columbine." Commenting on the decision, a government spokesperson said "Michael was just too fat and a bit ugly to be used to sell such an important movie, even if he did direct it." The spokesperson also added "We believe the decision was the right one."


2008 marks the first time that the 2002 Oscar-winning movie will be seen in China. It remains unclear whether the US distributor as well as Michael Moore or Roger Moore have been made aware of China's decision to falsely suggest that Roger Moore (no relation to Michael) has anything to do with the movie.

Coffee Annan...

Chinese government silent over "Great Rug of China."

The Chinese government is refusing to confirm what appears to be a giant rug next to the city of Beijing. The existence of the rug was exposed by a series of NASA satellite photographs, although its purpose remains unclear.


However, persistent rumours have suggested that the giant rug - now the second Chinese man-made object visible from space - is being used to hide unfavourable items during the Beijing Olympics. According to one source, the rug is concealing from view huge amounts of pollution, dissidents, Tibetans and numerous other "controversial" items for the duration of the Games. "They've just swept up anything unsightly and hidden it under there." said the source. Despite the newly released satellite photos, the Chinese government has thus far remined silent on the subject.

Russia cuts off gas supply to Max Mosley's house.

Russia has severed the gas supply to the house of Formula 1 boss Max Mosley following allegations he took part in a Nazi-themed orgy. The reasons given by the office of Prime Minister Putin underly apparent frustrations about Russia's sense of importance in the world. "Why don't people ever have communist-themed orgies?" stated the PMs office, "You dress up as Stalin and send prostitutes to fake Siberian gulags. It is very kinky and fun too." It also added "Mr Mosley's antics are yet another example of Russia not being taken seriously as an important world player."

Is this Osama Bin Laden?

Saddam Hussein and Radovan Karadzic both grew beards to conceal their identities. Now, CIA analysts are considering that the world's most wanted man, already bearded and thus unable to grow a beard to hide his identity, may have taken to disguising himself as a woman. This digitally altered photograph of Bin Laden was released yesterday by the CIA with the aim of alerting people to a potential disguise by the al Qaeda leader. Have you seen this woman? If so, the US government would like to hear from you.

Former Serbian president arrested for impersonating Saddam Hussein.

Former Serbian president Radovan Karadzic was arrested in Belgrade yesterday for attempting to impersonate the executed Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. In Serbia, impersonating Saddam is a criminal offence - Karadzic will now be taken to the International Criminal Court in the Hague to face charges of "impersonation of a celebrity or political figure."


Karadzic was arrested on his way to Belgrade airport and is believed to have been travelling to Iraq in order to locate the famous hole where Saddam Hussein was captured (a farmhouse in the town of ad-Dawr near Tikrit) in December 2003. Prosecutors have suggested that Karadzic intended to live in the hole and charge visitors to view him.

You know your country is screwed when...

Foreign leaders make unscheduled visits. Hey, leaders, how about making a scheduled visit? You know, so we can prepare you a nice meal - maybe even a parade? We just want to be taken off the list of countries where you have to arrive unscheduled. It's a bit rude actually, like turning up unannounced at someone's house - how would you like it?

Documents reveal that Nazis had democracy-themed orgies.

Newly released documents from the German archives have revealed that top Nazi rulers frequently engaged in sordid democracy-themed orgies. According to the documents, during these events top Nazi officials would would release tied up women, conduct multi-party votes, conduct debates and dress up as grey-suited politicians.

Thabo Mbeki embarks on mediation talks with carbon dioxide.

South African president Thabo Mbeki launched himself high into the atmosphere courtesy of a hot air balloon yesterday to begin what he described as "intense mediation talks" with the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide. Mr Mbeki's undertaking is viewed as an alternative to conventional means of battling climate change.

The South African leader is expected to spend several months in the air trying to persuade excess levels of carbon dioxide to not trap as much solar radiation as they have been. "We must not jump to any conclusions," he added "These things take time."

Guy Ritchie confirmed as first guest on "This Is Your Wife."

A new, sexier version of the long-running television series This Is Your Life is set to hit screens this month. The show, called This Is Your Wife, will be hosted by former This Is Your Life presenter Michael Aspel and will surprise celebrity husbands with undercover footage of their wives' infidelities and bad behaviour.

It has been confirmed that the first guest will be British director Guy Ritchie, whose troubled marriage to pop-diva Madonna has been in the headlines in recent weeks. According to Aspel "We have some really juicy guests lined up. All sorts of men that Madonna has had flings with. It should be a lot of fun."

Britain: Knife crime and bad food.

A stunning new theory about the cause of Britain's current epidemic of knife crimes has put the blame squarely on Britain's notoriously bad food. The theory by Dr Charles Streasur of Hopkins University suggests that the lack of proper food cooked by parents leaves teens unfamiliar with what knives are for. "Look at it this way," says Dr Streasur, "If your working-class mum makes you Pot Noodles everyday, then you are going to know full well what a fork is - but a knife will be alien to you."

Dr Streasur also added "So instead of cutting a juicy steak, you end up stabbing someone on a London street."

Israeli government launches phone poll "Veng-athon" to find best punishment for bulldozer killer.

For several days, the Israeli government has been scratching its head as to how best to respond to the recent bulldozer rampage committed by a deranged Arab citizen of East Jeruslalem. Since the man appears not to have belonged to a terrorist group, the government has been hard pressed to find an appropriate way to react. Now, the authorities have announced the entire matter will be decided on live TV, with a mammouth "veng-athon" - the final form of retribution will be decided in a phone poll conducted across the country. To send in your ideas, go to www.vengathon.com

At present, the most popular suggestions are:

1. Bulldoze his home.

2. Put a dozing bull inside his home.

3. Bulldoze his neighbours home (to send a message).

4. Bulldoze his grave.

5. Make his family live inside a bulldozer for a year.

6. Tell his family a dose of bull. Something really untrue.

7. Build a big wall around a bulldozer (not sure why).

8. Bulldoze the house of a man who looks like him.

9. Put up checkpoints between the man's kitchen, living-room and bedroom.

10. Find a man called Bill Doze and make him feel a bit bad.

Just a quick reminder, we've all lost someone we loved...

Now, go away!

Despite controversy, Halifax bank renews contract with Mugabe's son.

To millions, he is known simply as "The man from the Halifax" - but Howard Mugabe, the public face of the British banking giant Halifax has a controversial relative. His estranged father, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has become an infamous tyrant - but that hasn't stopped Howard from developing his own career, image and identity - despite calls from some quarters for the banking giant to drop him.

This week, the Halifax bank confirmed that it was renewing Howard Mugabe's contract. "I try to focus on the work. Dad and I haven't really spoken to each other for years. But a little of what I do in those ads is for him," says Howard, adding "I try to send him a smile, or a glance and hope that there's a part of him that is proud of me. But I know that he has done some very bad things."

Lead contamination causes Chinese Olympic swimmers to sink.

China has withdrawn its entire swimming team from the Olympic Games following an embarrasing time trial, during which almost all of the country's competing swimmers sank to the bottom of the pools. Tests later revealed that lead, used in a wide variety of products in China, including children's toys, was behind the problem. Lead contamination affects swimmer buoyancy, causing athletes to simply sink to the bottom of the water.

Kremlin hires Patrick Stewart to double for Lenin during restoration.

The embalmed body of the Soviet Union's first leader has been on display in a special mausoleum in Moscow since Valdimir Ilyich Lenin's death in 1924. But, for years Moscow authorities have been insisting that the preserved body is in need of vital restoration work to prevent its condition deteriorating. But rather than present an empty tomb to the public, the Russian authorities have hired noted British actor Patrick Stewart to double for the communist leader during the one month that Lenin's body will be removed for extensive re-embalming. Stewart is reportedly being paid $2 million for the job, which will require him to lie, perfectly still and with eyes closed in Lenin's mauseleum. His hair will be dyed a characteristic red, and he will also grow a beard for the part.

Mike Read: "Buy my single or you just don't care about the world."

Former British DJ Mike Read has released a new charity single which deals with many of the problems faced by the world in 2008. Yet, two weeks on from the CD's release, sales remain woefully low. Speaking at a publicity event for the single named "Read my Lips" Mr Read stated "People have a choice, don't buy the single and do nothing about the world's problems, or set off a chain reaction that gets our leaders to wake up and change the world. That is the choice. I just can't believe people are so apathetic."

Here are the lyrics:

Read my Lips
Written and performed by Mike Read

There was an earthquake in China,
But together we can build a liner,
That takes us to a better place...

There was a monsoon in Burma,
But you don't have to be a learner,
To sail the ship that takes us to a better place...

Read my lips
Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

Mugabe committed fraud,
But you don't need to use a sword,
To steer towards a better place...

Fuel costs are climbing,
But together the world is chiming
A bell that lets us know we're going to a better place...

Read my lips Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

No real hope for Tibet,
But I'm willing to place a bet,
That this song can take us to a better place...

The Lisbon Treaty is stuck,
The EU is in the muck,
But the EU and the world can find a better place...

Read my lips
Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

Read my lips
Read my lips
With some shaking hips,
And the world's microchips,
We - yes, we can do better.

If the whole world sings this song...

Henman Hill buckles under pressure.

A viewing area on the grounds of the All England Club, which hosts the Wimbledon tennis championships has buckled under the pressure of hundreds of spectators crowding to watch tennis matches on a big-screen. The area, known as "Henman Hill" was named after now retired British tennis player Tim Henman. Engineers at the club became worried after hundreds of fans of current British hopeful Andy Murray crowded the site to watch the Scottish player's latest match. Following his victory, they noticed that the hill - also often referred to as "Murray Mound" had began to subside. "The hill just can't take the pressure of all these fans. We may have to find a way of relieving the pressure, or the entire area may collapse," said one official at the site.

BBC orders investigation after phone poll names Blue Peter cat "Mugabe."

The BBC has ordered an immediate investigation after a telephone competition to name a cat on the children's television programme Blue Peter, led to it being christened "Mugabe." Official results showed that the name "Mugabe" won 85.5% percent of the vote, a stunning figure. Other names such as "Kitty" or "Mitty" barely registered at all in the poll. Yet the BBC has rejected accusations that the competition was rigged, insisting that the phone poll was both free and fair.

We're tired of the rumours!

A Moroccan musician...


A Canadian freight company...



A women's centre in Spain...


Claflin University's Orange Maroon Athletics Scholarship Association (OMASA)...



No, we are not the secret missing links between Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden!!

Obama and Clinton to continue with unity symbolism.

Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are to continue a series of events, designed to demonstrate their unity, in light of their heated campaign for the Democratic nomination. Next week, they will spend the day together meeting the cast of FRIENDS, having a HAPPY meal at McDonalds, visiting a pair of conJOINED twins as well as a faith HEALER, flying on UNITED Airlines across the country and rounding the day off with a party hosted by HAPPINESS director Todd Solondz. It is hoped that this will once and for all settle any negative feelings within the party.

Henman "Anthology" project will chart the life and times of Tiger Tim.

A major project known simply as "The Tim Henman Anthology" has been green-lit, according to several media sources. Purportedly, the project will cover the life and career of retired British tennis player Tim Henman. According to an insider, "It will be a major eight part documentary series, and there will also be a book and CD release."

The documentary series will take a broad look at the life and career of Henman - from the early years playing tennis, to Henmania, to the controversial later years when he experimented with bananas during breaks. There will also be humour, such as the time he hit a ballgirl with a ball and also a look at controversial moments such as the famous remark he once made that he was "a good tennis player."

But the series will also go further. Using digital technology, the CD releases will manipulate several recordings of tennis matches that Henman lost, to create the sound of a brand new Wimbledon final in which Henman emerges as the winner. According to the source "We wanted to give the fans something new, and this was a great way to have Tim actually win something."

South African President Thabo Mbeki answers reader's questions.

Dear Mr President,
My husband beats me regularly. Should I leave him?
Alice, UK

President Mbeki:
You must ask yourself - "What have I done to annoy him?" I would suggest making him a nice dinner, and then maybe he might stop. Just don't do anything rash.


Dear Mr President,
I had unsafe sex with a stranger and am worried I might have caught HIV. What should I do?
Noel, Denmark

President Mbeki:
A long bath and a good scrub will put you right. If that doesn't work, eat some garlic.


Dear Mr President,
I am worried my husband may be abusing our daughter. I want to confront him about it, but am scared he will lose his temper.
Jonah, US

President Mebeki:
You musn't confront him as it may make things unstable. Instead, try to harmonise the situation. Have sex with him more often, then he won't feel the need to have sex with his daughter.


Dear Mr President,
Some people in my community have signed a petition about the water quality. I know the water is contaminated with lead, but should I get involved?
Manuel, Ecuador

President Mbeki:
No. Absolutely not. Stirring things up just makes things worse. Just boil the water before you drink it and you will be OK.


Dear Mr President,
I am eleven years old and a boy at school keeps taking my lunch money. Please help.
Timmy, Canada

President Mbeki:
Try to give him even more money then he wants. This will make him very happy and he might become your friend. And make sure you don't tell anyone else.


Dear Mr President,
I think I saw my neighbour kill somebody in his kitchen yesterday. Then I went there this morning and heard some strange noises coming from the cellar. Should I tell the police?
Martine, France

President Mbeki:
Buy some ear muffs - they are good for blocking sounds. Some very thick sunglasses will help you to avoid seeing such things in the future.

McGann: Ince hasn't been vetted.

Former Doctor Who star Paul McGann has launched a fierce attack on newly appointed Blackburn Rovers manager Paul Ince. In a statement issued by McGann, the actor asked "What do we know about this guy, anyway? He hasn't been vetted and may be unprepared to meet the challenges of leading such an important team." McGann also added "What about international matches? How do we know he will represent our interests? I heard a rumour that he prefers rugby to football - it may be untrue, but it certainly gives cause for doubt."

This week, Paul Ince became the first ever black manager of a major English football team - in 1993, he bacame the first ever black player to captain the England squad. During his career as a football player, Ince played for clubs including Manchester United, Liverpool and West Ham United.

Nigerian man who wants to give away millions complains of negative bias.

A Nigerian millionaire who inherited his fortune after a deceased princess left him $30,000,000 in gold dust has complained that his generosity is being ignored. The millionaire decided last month to deposit the money in the bank account of a complete stranger in order to "make someone happy." However, after sending out hundreds of emails to potential recipients, he realised that he was being frustrated by a negative bias created by spammers. "They have made life very difficult for genuine philanthropist businessmen like myself. I have offered the money to thousands of people - I even labelled the emails 'MOST URGENT' and emphased the notion of trust. But no response...it is very sad."

California legislation sees Van Damme become first person to marry his own ass.

Exposing a loophole in new California legislation allowing same-sex marriages, on Saturday action star Jean-Claude Van Damme became the first person to marry his own ass. The ceremony attended by several fellow action stars including Chuck Norris and Stephen Segal took place at a Hollywood registry office and involved attaching a complex series of mirrors to Van Damme enabling him a direct view of his own ass. Following an exchange of vows, a doctor temporarily removed one of Van Damme's vertebrae enabling the action star to seal the marriage with a loving kiss.

Van Damme was able to marry his own ass after lawyers discovered that the law enabling same sex marriages in California included some "fuzzy language". They successfully argued that such marriages could involve only one person, or even take place between different body parts. In a statement to the press, Van Damme noted "For years, narcissists have been discriminated against. Now we finally get justice. My ass and I are going to have many happy years together."

Dalai Lama captures Obama.

In a widely hailed coup for the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama appeared in front of the world's press today to announce that he had captured Obama. The US Senator was snared by a large white lasso yesterday afternoon.

Barrymore to play Grantham in major new biopic.

Troubled comedian Michael Barrymore has been signed up to play actor Leslie Grantham in a major biopic of the actor's life. Grantham, known to millions as "Dirty Den" in the Eastenders series on BBC television has had a colourful life since being imprisoned for murder in 1967. In 2004, Grantham was found to have been involved in an on-line sex scandal, which caused major embarrasment.

But Michael Barrymore is also no stranger to controversy. A recovering alcoholic, Barrymore's career went off the rails after the death of meat inspector Stuart Lubbock in Barrymore's swimming pool in 2001, following severe anal injuries. Despite speculation of a gay orgy that ended in death, Barrrymore was acquitted of involvement in the incident.


Speaking of the casting of Barrymore in the new biopic, director Oliver Stone said "Michael is an ideal choice to play someone with a multi-layered and complex life. He is naturally delighted to have secured the role." The film will apparently be a no-holds-barred look at Grantham's life and influence and is set for release next year.

Some serious questions about Obama...

Real Americans use band-aids. Is Obama a muslin?


Real Americans eat cornflakes for breakfast. Is Obama a muesli?

Many Americans are fat - Obama is the opposite. Is he perhaps a Oba-ma-slim?