Back to the Future IV - back on?

How could they do it? An old and frail Marty from the future travels back in time to 2009, where a slightly old and frail Marty lives and is a bit shaky after an electric shock from his guitar damaged him. They meet Doc Brown and adventures ensue! Wait a minute, is it too early to remake this film?

Obama has to fly to Europe to find non-loony conservatives he can talk and joke around with with.

Obama jokes around with French president Nicolas Sarkozy (of the right-of-center Union for a Popular Movement party) and German chancellor Angela Merkel (of the right-of-center Christian Democratic Union of Germany party.)

Meanwhile in the US, Republican Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell still looks like a strange human/tortoise hybrid...


And Republican House minority leader John Boehner still looks like an archetypal angry redneck alcoholic wife-beater (emphasize only looks like)...


Note: to be fair top Dems Pelosi (Michael Jackson lookalike) and Reid (boring maths teacher) look quite weird too.

Wait a minute...

Congresswoman Shelia Jackson Lee (D)

So now the Democrats are the pro-Michael Jackson party and the Republicans are the anti-Michael Jackson party? Cos, you know...this might be the first time the Republicans have been right about something for 40 years. Thank God it is such an important issue!

OK, it is actually just one Democratic congresswoman, maybe two for a House Resolution honoring Jacko that won't pass...but who needs nuance, right? American history has always been about two opposite camps - Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, Unionists and secessionist Confederates, Abolitionists and pro-slavery advocates, colonialists and republican revolutionaries, blacks and whites, north and south, east and west, city and rural, appeasers and warmongers, Wall Street-ers and hippies, Coke and Pepsi, McDonald's and Burger King - it's the old eternal tug of war...so now you can add to that the "cultish blind love of Jackson-ites" and the "complete hate of Jackson-ites."

Jacko resolution story here.

Newsifact correction on Seal clubbing story.

Newsifact would like to offer a correction. We recently ran a story that Seal may be clubbed to death with the following pictures:

British singer Seal.

This was a mistake made by our graphics department. We should have run the story with these pictures:



We offer our apologies for the mistake. 20,000 seals to be clubbed to death as the hunting season is about to begin. Story here.

Exclusive clip from new T.J. Hooker movie.

As the recession causes severe budget cutbacks in the LAPD, T.J. is forced to provide his own police-siren:

Poor Paris Jackson cajouled into fake public grieving "moment" - and everyone buys it.

"Go on, don't make us angry..."

"Are you really going to embarrass us in front of everyone? Do what we rehearsed!"

"All these people are looking at you!"

"Brilliant! People will be really moved by this moment!"
Kid to herself: "I hope I did what everyone expected me to do. In truth, I really don't know what I feel."

It is funny how people are so quick to buy into a collective grief fest, even when it is blatantly evident that a child that is in a state of shock is being used as a prop. Kids don't grieve for public display like that, as much as we would like them to provide a nicely-wrapped sweet moment for us adults. People are far too gullible...the poor kid was evidently put up to it or thought that this was the way she was expected to behave. Looking at all the YouTube comments of this clip, you have to wonder how people could overlook the child's feelings in favor of a convienient falsehood, like bear dancing: "Aren't those bears so cute?" - forget the leashes drilled through their noses.

We at Newsifact feel sorry for Paris Jackson and lament what we feel is the shameless exploitation of a girl that has probably led a very abnormal life. Apologies for straying from our usual satirical tone and we understand that you may disagree with us on this one, but the point is surely that the Jackson family should never have made her do that, and the media shoudn't buy into the whole thing...

Here's a clip from the film "Stand By Me" that we feel is a little closer to the reality of how kids grieve:

Yeah, but anyone can do that...

Look what I took. It's a genuine photo of Obama on the TV!

North Korea accused of lifting quotes from Venger.

The North Korean regime has been accused of lifting unattributed quotes from Venger - a fictional and evil cartoon character in the 1980s animated children's series "Dungeons & Dragons." The accusation has been made by John Dore, the head of the "Dungeons & Dragons Fan Club," who says he spotted similarities between lines spoken by the character of Venger and official statements coming out of North Korea. "I then did some comparisons and what I found was startling - it was clearly plagiarism and I just don't know where they got the idea to do this."


Here are some on the similarities he found:

Venger: "Warduke has either become very brave.... or very stupid. However, I've waited many years for Dungeon Master to make his mistake; I will see to it that it's his last."

North Korean statement: "The United States has either become very brave.... or very stupid. However, we've waited many years for them to make their next mistake; we will see to it that it's their last."

*

Venger: "I owe you nothing. But soon, you shall have six more skeleton warriors to keep you company!"

North Korean statement: "We owe the West nothing. And now they will soon have six million skeleton warriors to keep them company!"

*

Venger:"Did you really believe a child like you could be Dungeon Master? This is your worst mistake ever here, and it will be your last."

North Korean statement: "Did you really believe a child like America could be threaten us? This is your worst mistake ever here, and it will be your last."

*

Venger: "Indeed. I want you to do whatever you please, Barbarian. Fight. Scream. Run, if you wish! As fast and as far as you can! In a moment, the portal will open, and even the memory of you will vanish from your world!"

North Korean statement: "Indeed, we want you to do whatever you please, barbarians. Fight. Scream. Run, if you wish! As fast and as far as you can! In a moment, the portals of our rocket launchers will open, and even the memory of you will vanish from your world!"

*

The North Korean regime has so far declined to comment on the accusations.

GOP holds secret Obama pie meeting.

Top Republican leaders from across the country have convened a secret emergency summit to discuss recent revelations about President Obama's pie-eating habits, hoping to form a strategy that could be used to attack Obama. The emergency meeting was convened after an AP interview released earlier this week in which Mr Obama said that the White House pastry chef makes "the best pie I have ever tasted, and that has caused big problems with Michelle and I," adding that he and the first lady are "having to figure out how to resist ordering pie every night." (Source Huffington Post - read here).

The comments echoed previous statements during the election campaign in which Obama reflected on his love of pies during campaign rallies, often using the word "pie" over and over and over again. At the time, conservatives attempted to focus on Obama's reported one-time selection of a coconut cream pie as somehow un-American compared to the traditional apple pie. The tactic didn't work, but now the GOP is set to revisit the whole pie issue.



"There is definitely something weird going on here," said a top GOP strategist attending the secret meeting "I think that if we find a way to exploit this issue it could help us get votes...This may be the crack that we have been waiting for and you may see the GOP spend a lot of time focusing on the 'pie issue' from now until 2010."

North Korea fires rockets containing excess food into the sea.

North Korea has stepped up actions to rid itself of masses of excess food, firing food-laden rockets into the sea. "We have so much food in our glorious republic that we can't possibly eat all of it." said a North Korean spokesperson "So in order to clear some space, we are loading excess food onto rockets, firing them off and dumping the food into the sea - it is either that or an obesity epidemic for our people."

Israeli spokesperson Mark Regev "I am no longer able to smile."

Israeli government spokesperson Mark Regev has revealed that his time defending Israeli policies with regards to the Palestinians has left him unable to smile. He has also announced that he will take a few months leave over the summer and work for a major tobacco company instead, saying "Compared to what I have been doing, it is a moral step upwards and should ease the constant strain visible on my increasingly burdened face."

Most recently, Regev has been articulating the official government policy of a partial suspension of settment building in the West Bank, which could fully resume at any time if peace talks fail - something which critics argue is utterly meaningless and merely a stalling tactic in the eventual pursuit of persuading all Palestinians to move into surrounding Arab countries rather than endure the humiliations of being treated like animals within the West Bank. "Convincing people that dogshit is healthy for you would make more sense than our policies!" joked Regev.

The new kings of pop.

Cynical Christian "immaculate birthers" demand more proof from Jesus.

Octomom to star in Bond remake

Apologies for the grossness of this post.

Autumn comes early...

Hollywood tense as "Celebrity Flu" pandemic spreads.

Celebrities living in the Los Angeles area are in a high state of tension as the current "Celebrity Flu" pandemic sweeps through their midst. The flu has claimed the lives of three celebrities in the last week - Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Billy Mays - with stars now growing increasingly edgy about who will be next. A spate of false alarms about potentially dead celebrities is causing great anxiety and even panic - Rick Astley, George Clooney and Peter Falk have all been subject to speculation, since disproven that they had died.


Meanwhile, police are urging celebrities to stay indoors and wash their hands after contact with each other and are also asking them to avoid contact with the general public. Unconfirmed reports suggest that pop-star Madonna has been placed in quarantine.


UPDATE: Actor Karl Malden has succumbed to "Celebrity Flu". He died Wednesday aged 97. The sense of panic is growing!

Quincy M.E. star spotted leaving Michael Jackson death scene.

Quincy star Jack Klugman has been spotted leaving the Hollywood mansion where Michael Jackson died last week. Klugman, who is 87-years-old, starred as a renowned coroner in the 1970s television series "Quincy M.E.".

Klugman speaks briefly to reporters outside Michael Jackson's mansion.

His appearance at the Jackson mansion has fuelled speculation of foul play in the death of the troubled singer last Thursday, although Klugman played down rumors that he had been brought in to investigate. "I'm just a retired actor now," said Klugman outside Jackson's home "Yes, I have some fictional experiences, but I don't really want to comment too much right now...I'm just looking around and don't want to say anything more until I have spoken with a toxicologist."

Klugman tours the rehearsal stages.

Later, Klugman was spotted touring the location where rehearsals were underway for Jackson's upcoming tour, but again declined to elaborate on his role. Neither the Jackson family nor the Los Angeles coroner's office has been willing to confirm that Klugman has been brought in officially to investigate the death of Michael Jackson.

Jacko's dad: "I had a feather in my shoe."

Michael Jackson's father Joe Jackson has issued a statement defending a fit of laughter he appeared to have during a press conference on Monday outside his late son's former home.

"Of course I was devastated, the same way that Michael would have been devastated had Jordan Chandler died and not been able to talk anymore," he said in a written statement, adding "What happened was that during the part where I was promoting my new music label, I had this feather in my shoe and couldn't stop laughing despite my overwhelming grief at the death of what's-his-money, I mean Michael."

Loving every minute...

David Hasselhoff: "Michael Knight is now the world's most famous living Michael".

Troubled actor David Hasselhoff has released a statement reacting to the passing of singer Michael Jackson, who died last Thursday. In the statement, Hasselhoff says that "The character that I created back in the 1980s not knowing how huge a phenomenon he would be - Michael Kinght - is now the world's most famous living Michael. I am not surprised." Mr Hasselhoff also paid tribute to his own abilities, stating "I am ready to accept this huge responsibility. From now on, when kids scream 'We love you Michael!' there will be no confusion about whom they are directing these words at - me."


In the statement released by Mr Hasselhoff's office over the weekend, the actor also addressed the long history of the Michael Knight character and sought to clarify just what the new "Knight Rider" TV series meant for him: "What is most important is that my role has not and will not be re-cast. The actor playing Michael Knight is the estranged son of the real Michael Knight, whose real name is Michael Long; the son's real name is Michael Traceur and he only later changes it to Michael Knight. This fact is clearly stated in the pilot so if any of your friends think that the Michael Knight of the new show is the same role I played, but re-cast, please just laugh in their faces and explain to them that such a legendary role could never be re-cast. Again, just to underline, please make absolutely sure that they are completely clear on this very important point. Also, please feel free to visit my website or Facebook page to convey your love and respect for Michael Knight (starring me) and Mitch Buchanan (also starring me - also will not ever be re-cast)."

One paper has different priorities (or went to bed early).

The Guardian from the U.K.

Note to celebs: don't f**k with what nature gave you.

Give your money to charity instead...There's plenty of kids that really need plastic surgery.

Reports: Jackson unhappy with non-corporeal form.

Michael Jackson's soul is denying reports that it is unhappy with its new non-corporeal form and that it is seeking to make alterations to its apperance. "We are an artist soul that suffers from a unique form of Vitiligo" said Jackson's soul "And so certain changes are inveitable."

Catholic churches: Doors shut today in tribute to Jackson.

The Vatican has announced that Catholic churches across the world will close their doors today as a mark of respect with regards to the passing of Michael Jackson. Speaking of the decision, the Pope said "He wasn't a Catholic, but in one key way, Michael Jackson really was one of us." The Pope did not elaborate what this "key way" was.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson to be told of Fawcett's passing...

UPDATE II: Michael Jackson is said to be in complete shock at the news...

BREAKING: Farrah Fawcett still dead. This is clearly going to be the biggest celebrity death story of the day!! UPDATES SOON!

Farrah Fawcett upstaged!

F**k that plastic guy, I'm dead!!!

New threat: North Korea threatens to destroy entire universe.

The North Korean regime has issued its latest daily threat - today threatening to destroy the "entire universe" if it does not get what it wants. In a statement issued by the official North Korean news agency, the regime said:

"With one crushing blow, we will crush the enemies of our people and crush to shreds and dust the entire universe. We will deal a fatal blow and cast like flies to the wind the parasites who gnaw at the flesh of our great Republic. Our mighty clenched fist will hammer with a mighty thud and squash like rats all who oppose us. Be warned that today is the day when the entire universe will weep and marvel at our huge power, thrust onto the Earth like an untamed lion roaring at its feeble prey! Our claws will rip apart the savages; our might will have the world trembling; our power will unleash a huge force of power like none the world has ever known. PS can we have some food, please (and some new DVDs for the Great One - you know, the guy that pretends he was born on some magical hill instead of in Khabarovsk in the Soviet Union? He really is great fun once you get to know him)?"

In a separate statement, the regime boasted that it had made use of one of it's most renowned poets to write the "potent" phrases.