Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Buzz Aldrin and William Shatner to swap roles during Apollo 11 anniversary.
Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, has agreed to swap places with Star Trek star William Shatner for the duration of the upcoming fortieth anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landings, it was announced today. Aldrin has traditionally been the public face of the first moon landing, which took place on July 20th 1969, while the first man on the moon Neil Armstrong has largely shunned the media.
Speaking of the decision, Aldrin said "I really feel that I have said everything I can possibly say about what it felt like to be on the moon, if I was jealous of Neil being first, or whether I was ever worried that we may not return...this way, Bill Shatner will get to answer those questions, while I will sub for him, answering questions about whether I thought that Star Trek would ever be so popular, how I felt when it was cancelled and why I won't admit to wearing a toupee (Aldrin never did). I think that we are both relieved to be talking about something new."
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Politico asks: "Why doesn't Nico Pitney just write a loaded headline that ends with a question-mark instead of doing all that reporting?"
In a major article, Politico has accused Huffington Post reporter Nico Pitney of "showing off" with his coverage of the Iran protests. Pico has been running Huffington Post's live coverage of the situation in Iran since it erupted - collating materials from a host of sources, sifting through hundreds of emails, Twitter feeds, YouTube videos and even soliciting Iranians to forward him a question to ask the President of the United States during Tuesday's press conference.
However, following the press conference, the online journal Politico accused Pitney of "trying to be a smart-ass" with his Iran coverage and asked "Why does he have to do all that real reporting? Why can't he just do what we at Politico do: take things that make Democrats look bad and turn them into snappy headlines by adding a question mark at the end?"
Nico Pitney (center)Politico then cited several examples of its "superior reporting" in an attempt to teach Pitney "real" journalism: "For example 'Is Obama going too far?' or 'Is Obama not going too far enough?' - those would have been great headlines. Or what about 'Is Pelosi becoming gay?' Obviously she is not, but we never say that she is. That is the beauty of our clever Politico headlines. 'A Republican Comeback?' Just wait and see who gets a Pulitzer, us or that Pitney guy."
Read Politico's story here (which is billed on the main page as "Did Obama work with Huff Post?"). Enjoy the comments section to fully understand the audience Politico is aiming for.
Illiterate Obama-haters cause accidental surge in muslin sales.
Muslin cloth makers are reporting a huge surge in sales since the election of President Barack Obama last November. Intitially, the surge in sales was viewed as something of a mystery, until some research linked muslin sales to an abundance of illiterate right-wing Obama haters posting comments on the internet. "All these people were going round on YouTube saying 'Obama is a muslin lover' and that seems to have led to the surge in interest from fans of Obama," says a spokesperson for the American Muslin Association, adding "The stuff is suddenly flying off the shelves, with people mistakenly believing that Obama is a huge fan of the cloth. I don't know if he is, but right now we are happy for the publicity, regardless of the weirdness of it all."
On a separate note, sales of "Bush's Best" beans are starting to recover after a severe slump, according to the company.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Iranian regime apologises after software mix-up bans Tiananmen info in Iran.
The Iranian government has offered an unreserved apology after a software mix-up temporarily prevented Iranians from accessing information about the 1989 Tiananmen Square protests and subsequent violent crackdown in China on the internet. "We forgot to re-set the new software when we first installed it," said a government spokesperson, adding "But we have now fixed the problem to filter out the appropriate unwelcome Iranian terms. Sometimes you just have to laugh!"
Conservative rappers "The Young Cons" have Democrats seriously worried.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Israeli scientists to use "super-microscope" in effort to find PM Netanyahu's moral authority.
Scientists in Israel have announced that they will use a new state-of-the-art super-microscope in an effort to find some trace of PM Benjamin Netanyahu's moral authority. The decision was announced following recent comments by Netanyahu on the ongoing protests in Iran, which critics say are likely to provide potent fuel for the Iranian regime - with some even suspecting Netanyahu of wanting the revolution there to fail.
"You see a regime that represses its own people and spreads terror far and wide," Netanyahu told NBC's "Meet the Press." "It is a regime whose real nature has been unmasked and it's been unmasked by an incredible act of courage by Iran's citizens."
Following the comments, curious scientists in Israel contacted the PM, who agreed to undergo initial tests, believeing that they would be relatively straightforward. However, early attempts to find Netanyahu's moral authority proved fruitless, leading scientists to employ the use of a new super-microscope. "This thing is so powerful," said one scientist heading the project, "that even if there is one molecule of moral authority in Mr Netanyahu, we will find it - but I have to admit that we haven't had any luck yet."
Netanyahu does his very best to piss on the flames of change in Iran...
South African president Zuma signs decree replacing "Father's Day" with "Rape Day."
South African president Jacob Zuma has signed a law formally abolishing Father's Day in South Africa and replacing it with a celebration that will be entitled "Rape Day." Speaking about the desicion, Zuma said "This is a mere re-alignment to bring the values we seek to push in South Africa up-to-date." Former South African president Thabo Mbeki has resisted pressure to condemn the decision, saying "I'm not sure. Let's just wait and see."
Rather disturbing story from Time magazine here.
Friday, June 19, 2009
GOP leadership offers apology to actor Robert Ito for Miyagi mixup.
The Republican National Committee has issued an unreserved apology to Japanese-American actor Robert Ito, after numerous GOP activists confused him with the late Pat Morita, famous for his role as Mr Miyagi in the film "The Karate Kid".
The mixup stems from a recent incident at the White House, in which President Obama swatted a fly during an interview with CNBC. Commentators quickly likened Mr Obama's actions to that of the fictional Mr Miyagi, able to catch a fly in flight with only a pair of chopsticks. Evidently, several Republican operatives were eager to exploit the incident and solicit a condemnation from Morita, who in fact died in 2005. However, a lack of research led GOP staffers to distribute contact details for Robert Ito, famous for playing Sam Fujiyama in the 1970 series "Quincy M.E.", instead.
An email circulated by the GOP and forwarded to Newsifact reads: "If we can get this Miyagi guy to call Obama a clown, we might be able to dent the president and help stop the government takeover of healthcare...we need to contact him and get him on our side, even though he is gay." Curiously, the final part of that sentence appears not to refer to either Ito or Morita, but in fact to fellow Japanese-American actor George Takei, famous for his role as Sulu in Star Trek, who is openly gay.
Republican Newt Gingrich"Suddenly, my phone started ringing all the time," said Ito in a recent interview, "First it was young Republican staffers, but eventually it was people like congressional representatives John Boehner and Eric Cantor. All of them were begging me to dismiss President Obama - to call him a fraud and his actions - quote - 'totally uncool'. I didn't know what they were talking about until Newt Gingrich called and told me bluntly 'Listen, we know you are Miyagi - you could really help us to take this guy down a little. You and I both know that the presiden't killing of a fly was wrong. So let's try to keep this civil and figure out how you can help us.'"
Ito said that he was both appalled and angered, by what he viewed as not only poor research by the GOP, but also "bullying, intimidation and willful racist ignorance". Ito soon filed a formal legal complaint, resulting in a printed apology on the GOP website and also a swift apology from GOP chairman Michael Steele. "Look man, we messed up on this one," said Steele "But we really were trying to do a good thing."
BBC fined by OFCOM for poor choice of name for its main programme targeted at the blind and deaf.
The BBC (British Broadcasting Corporation) has been ordered to pay a half million pound fine by the country's independent broadcasting regulator OFCOM. The fine was levied after the organisation found that the title of the BBC's main programme aimed at deaf and blind audiences "See Hear" was deceptive, misleading and even potentially insulting. OFCOM's ruling found that the title "See Hear" was particularly inapproproate for a programme aimed at people who can neither see nor hear. "In one way, it was a false promise," said a spokesperson for OFCOM, "In another, it was almost a taunt. It would be like calling a programme for the disabled 'Walk Run'."
The BBC is not expected to appeal the decision and has announced that a name change is in the works.
Coming soon...
A seminal piece - Jonathan Frakes on Iran: "The Will (Riker?) of the People?"
We are also very proud to announce that we are number two for a Google search of the terms "Benjamin Jahveri" and "Benjamin Jahveri Fisher Stevens" (and number one if you use quotation marks around "Benjamin Jahveri" - like that).
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Japanese scientists perform first ever robot face transplant.
Scientists in Japan have performed the world's first ever robot face transplant, it was announced today. "Number Five" - a multi-tasking robot with almost human qualities was attacked by bank robbers whilst in New York last month after he refused to assist them with a robbery. Initially, the robbers had managed to trick the robot into digging a tunnel for them, but when "Number Five" wised up to the plan, he escaped from their clutches. However, the robbers soon located him and subjected him to a major assault.
CCTV footage captured the horrific attack.This led to major damage, including a near-fatal battery-fluid leak, as well as a broken eye and severe structural damage around the facial area. After arriving at the scene, Benjamin Jahveri, the robot's creator was able to patch "Number Five" up after finding a nearby Radio Shack. However, these hasty repairs only enabled the robot to find enough strength to pursue and catch the robbers that had mutilated him. Jahveri soon realised that his invention would be permanently disfigured - until a team of scientists from Japan called. "They said that an unsuccessful robot line had recently been discontinued, and that parts of its face could, if we hurried, be used to help reconstruct my robot," said Jahveri "So I said 'I am thanking you very much' and flew 'Number Five' over there right away."
"Number Five" and Jahveri prior to the assault.After a tense twelve hour operation in Tokyo, "Number Five" had a new face and a new lease of life. "I am still getting used to believing that this is my 'Number Five' - or 'Johnny Five' as I have named him, but I am just happy to have him being fit and well-being," said a relieved Jahveri "Who knows, I might even have him gold-plated once this recession passes!"
Exclusive: Obama trained for weeks with Mr Miyagi star in 2004.
Newsifact can reveal that in 2004, Barack Obama underwent intense training with Pat Morita, who played Mr Miyagi in the film "The Karate Kid". The news follows an eyebrow-raising incident during a recent CNBC interview, when Mr Obama managed to calmly and cleanly swat a fly that had landed on his hand. Though Morita died in 2005 - soon after Barack Obama's election to the Senate - the two did indeed have several sessions at the behest of Obama the previous year designed to increase Obama's chances as a politician. These included numerous attempts at catching a fly with chopsticks, as had been shown in the 1984 hit film. According to sources, Obama wanted to channel some of the calm and wise vibes that Morita had created with the Mr Miyagi character. Speaking of the recent fly-swatting incident, Morita's daughter, Suke said "This would have made my father very proud."
BREAKING - Newsifact investigation: Bush repeatedly failed to prevent "another 9/11".
A huge Newsifact investigation covering seven continents, with thousands of staff in 148 countries, involving sifting through tens of thoudsands of documents and conducting countless interviews both on and off the record can reveal the following huge sensational news: Despite statements to the contrary, former President George W. Bush repeatedly failed to "prevent another 9/11."
According to documents obtained by Newsifact, during George Bush's presidency, another 9/11 occurred on September 11th (9/11) 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 - a total of seven times despite promises by the Bush administration to the contrary that it would do its utmost to prevent any more 9/11's from happening. Indeed, at the end of Bush's presidency, administration officials touted the fact that they had prevented "another 9/11" as justification for many of their controverisal policies. However, Newsifact can now report that the strategy failed - each year calendars, newspapers and a host of other official sources registered 9/11 exactly on the day when one would expect.
Just one of the hundreds of anonymous sources we contacted. We presented our evidence to representatives of the former Bush administration - they have yet to respond. Yet, their silence speaks volumes. This is undoubtedly the biggest story since Watergate. Stay tuned for more updates...
Iranian regime's English language "Press TV" channel unveils new schedule - lots of exploiting Gaza, nothing on own country.
7am - "Helping Gaza's Children"
7:30 am - "The Children of Gaza"
8am - "Suffering in Gaza"
9am - News (Gaza coverage)
930 - "Real Suffering in Gaza"
10am - "How Much are the Children of Gaza Suffering?"
1030am - "Should Belgian Farmers get Subsidies? And How that Might Affect Gaza."
11am - Gaza news update.
12am - "Western Meddling Everywhere" (2 minute special followed by repeat of "Suffering in Gaza")
Etc....
Their official website is here.
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