Clint Eastwood to sue Obama for "making me soppy."

Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood has launched a major lawsuit in the state of California against the new US president Barack Obama, it has emerged. The actor is suing Obama for $30 million for alleged losses in earnings resulting from Eastwood's apparent newfound inability to act stemming from the activities of Barack Obama.


Speaking about the lawsuit, Mr Eastwood, noted for his tough-guy on-screen persona, said "This guy is just ruining me. Ever since he got elected, I've just been weeping like an idiot. Then you see these pictures of him handing out food parcels, or visiting black kids in inner city schools...The guy has turned me into a drooling, soppy mess."


Eastwood specifically claims that Obama's actions are causing him to be unable to continue in his acting career "That angry, hard, I'll shoot you if you don't shut up look that I do has become impossible for me lately. I report to the set ready to do my thing but soon start thinking about Obama's beautiful family, or historic win and just end up a drooling mess again," said Eastwood.


The 77 year-old actor also likened his situation to the proverbial trumpet player "I've heard that they can't play if they see someone sucking on a lemon - well I know how they feel." The new president's office has declined to comment.

Tsvangirai: I was forced to share bedroom and bathroom with Medvedev.

Zimbabwean opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai has revealed that he was forced to share a bedroom and bathroom with Russian president Dmitry Medvedev during a recent official visit to Russia. Tsvangirai made the comments after returning from a two day visit to Moscow designed to gain Russian support for his opposition Movement for Democratic Change party, which is still locked in protracted power-sharing talks with the ruling Zanu-PF party of president Robert Mugabe.


"I never thought anyone could be more humiliated than me," said Tsvangiria in an interview afterwards, "But Putin treats Medvedev worse than Mugabe treats me." The comments appeared to underscore the oft-heard outside impression that the current Russian President is little more than a subservient puppet of the now Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

The MDC leader went on to describe the details of the visit in surprising detail, telling an interviewer "Prime Minister Vladimir Putin makes Medvedev sleep in the servants quarters - he hasn't moved out of where he lived when he was president...and when I arrived, I was told we would have to share a room and a bathroom. During the night, Putin rang Medvedev and I and we had to go and rub his feet. Oh well, at least I didn't get beaten up like I do in Zimbabwe!"

Tsvangirai also acknowledged that he and Medvedev had developed a strong bond during the visit, "Only he and I know what certain political situations are like. You can't bathe with a man and not get a deep understanding of his soul."

EXCLUSIVE: The complete text of the Obama presidential inauguration address!

In this huge Newsifact exclusive, we bring you the full inaugural address, one day before Barack Obama is sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. This was something the President-elect had hoped to reveal shortly after being sworn in, and it has remained a closely guarded secret, but Newsifact has the scoop!


As part of our investigation, we had staff in seven continents, spoke to hundreds of sources, followed up on thousands of leads and conducted numerous interviews - many off the record. Finally, a meeting with a deep background source enabled Newsifact to obtain and exclusively present for the first time anywhere the full and complete inaugural address.

And here it is:

United States Capitol
Capitol Hill
441 4th Street NW
Washington, D.C. 20515
United States

Bush touts Iraqi pigeon connection in NY plane crash.

In his farewell address to the nation given on Thursday night, President Bush strongly touted an apparent connection between the geese which are said to have caused the NY plane crash on Thursday and several Iraqi pigeons. "We have evidence that the geese involved met with an Iraqi pigeon in Prague several months ago," said Bush "We also know about several Iraqi pigeons seeking 'yellow-kak' (a form of bird droppings) from Niger." Investigators believe that the American Airways plane involved in the crash hit a flock of geese shortly after takeoff and was forced to ditch in the Hudson Bay River shortly afterwards. Miraculously, all the passengers and crew survived.


Mr Bush also used the occasion of his farewell address to push his successor to "declare war not just on geese, but on those who harbour them," adding that "these geese will be hearing from all of us very soon!" Outgoing Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is set to address the UN Security Council on Friday in what is being described as a major presentation. Ms Rice will apparently present intelligence connecting the so-called "1/15" geese to a group of Iraqi pigeons who are apparently living in mobile nests and possess weapons of mass destruction.

Actors' plea to Obama: End our exile!

Actors John Goodman, Lenny Henry and Robbie Coltrane have joined forces to write an open letter to President-elect Barack Obama, asking him to end the exile they have endured for years as a result of three comedy films the trio made in the 1990s.


The films in question are the Robbie Coltrane film "The Pope Must Die" - the title of which caused outrage amongst the Catholic community; "King Ralph" in which John Goodman played an American slob who became the British sovereign - and which outgraged Brits; and finally "True Identity" in which Lenny Henry portrayed a black man who changed his skin colour and became a white person in order to get a job - enraging blacks.



All three actors suffered as a consequence of these films. Coltrane was barred from entering any Catholic country and was threatened with prison if he entered the Vatican; Goodman was declared a persona non grata if he entered Britain, while Lenny Henry was disavowed by the black community.


Now all three are asking the new US president to intervene on their behalf. "End our unjust shame," states the letter "We misjudged how far 90s comedy could go, but we have learned our lesson." The President-elect's office has declined to comment on the matter.

Where am I?

Patrick McGoohan (1928-2009)

How many true 60s icons are still alive?

Paul McCartney

William Shatner

Not to mention, Muhammad Ali, Fidel Castro, Neil Armstrong, Bob Dylan, Allen Ginsberg and several others, but not that many...

And still going strong, 1950s icon Kirk Douglas (now aged 91)...

Steve Jobs blames illness on name.

Apple boss Steve Jobs has blamed his recent ilness on his name. "It is hard to have a surname like 'Jobs' in this economic climate without paying the price." Jobs also described the illness that has forced him to take a leave of absence from Apple "My body is in recession. That is all I can say - certain functions are being layed off until I see an upturn."

Israel rejects criticism of gasoline fire-engine plans.

Israel has strongly rejected international concerns about its recent decision to substitute water in its fleet of fire-engines for gasoline. According to Israeli authorities, the measure was taken "In order to demonstrate to fire Israel's unyielding will and determination." In a statement released yesterday, Israeli authorities also stated that "Fire is a genuine threat and for too long, we have relied on water to extinguish it. We will not go back to using water until fire realises the futility of being fire."


However, the new plans have met with criticism even inside Israel. A woman in Tel Aviv recently called local fire services to extinguish a small kitchen fire, only to have her house blasted to cinder. However, the Israeli fire services dismissed the complaint, stating "The fire met with overwhelming force until it was defeated. The world should not judge our fires as they are completely different from fires anywhere else in the world. Ours are hateful and threaten our existence. This is our problem, and we ask the world to back off."

British Royals release picture of "ethnic" friend to diffuse race row.

The British royal family has released a picture of a close friend they call "Sooty" in order to prove that they have friends from the ethnic minority community. The move comes amidst a race row fuelled by recent revelations that showed Prince Harry reffering to a fellow Asian army officer as a "Paki."

"Sooty has been a close personal friend for years," said the statement "When he comes over to Buckingham Palace, he drinks Lilt and eats curries - we even provide him with chopsticks." However, the picture has itself stirred controversy, as it appears not to depict a member of an ethnic minority at all, but rather a sooted up white coal-miner. Buckingham Palace has declined to comment further.

Exclusive: Is Ronaldo the new Michael Jackson of plastic surgery?

Before...

After...

In this exclusive Newsifact investigation, we can reveal that footballer Ronaldo has had major plastic surgery to alter his appearance. Just look at the before and after pictures and see for yourselves. Why hasn't the mainstream media picked up on this? What is Obama hiding? Why won't the BBC respond to Newsifact's request for footage? Stay tuned for more on this huge story.

Blair accused of being Bush "poodle."

Legendary British entertainer Lionel Blair has been accused of being little more than a "poodle" to fellow Brit and famed singer Kate Bush. The critisism stems from a recent agreement reached by the pair, in which Blair will serve as a warm up act during Kate Bush's latest worldwide tour. "I assure you, I went into this agreement on my own and have no regrets," said Blair in a statement last night. Ms Bush's office was unavailable for comment.

Prince Harry calls for end to Israeli "Pakicide."

In an emotional statement released last night, British Royal Prince Harry called on Israel to immediately end its operations in Gaza. "I know these are strong words," said Harry "but what Israel is doing is Pakicide, plain and simple. Too many Paki kids are being killed and those Kikes need to stop this slaughter. Their actions are causing Sand Nigger wrath across the world. Is that really what we want?"

Plan for huge fireworks display upon Gaza-Israeli truce shelved.

A proposed plan for a mammouth fireworks display over Gaza to celebrate a hoped-for impending truce between Hamas and Israel has been shelved by planners. "This was a deeply misjudged plan," said Jeff Bryann of the Israeli pyrotechnics company SmashFX - "It just didn't occur to us that loud explosions and bright flashes may actually bring back traumatic flashbacks for the people of Gaza. We meant well and we are sorry."

Mmm, is that Coco Channel you are wearing?

And for no reason whatsoever, this cute picture...

Gazans reject Madonna sanctuary offer.

-"There's plenty of room in here to hide..."

-"No thanks, we're not that desperate!"

Celebrity Big Brother announces major scoop.

Sadly, John Sergeant bowed out at the last minute, saying "My presence there would have been a distraction. I was worried I might actually win!"

Scientists dismiss Israeli AIDS cure as inhuman.

A much-publicised AIDS cure announced by Israeli Defence Force scientists has been dismissed around the world as "inhuman". The IDF announced it had found a 100% effective cure to the AIDS virus (something that has long eluded scientists) at a press conference yesterday. However, it was soon revealed that the cure involved blasting the AIDS victim with a laser-guided rocket.

The remains of a "cured" AIDS victim.

"But it works! You can't deny that! This patient has no AIDS!" argued an IDF spokesperson at a press conference yesterday. But when pushed on the fact that the "cure" also leaves the patient utterly dead, he refused to elaborate further. Following similar concerns raised by the scientific community around the world, the IDF has promised to "re-evaluate" the cure.

Bushmadeenajad and Ahmadeenabush.

From one conservative to another...


It's funny that during communist times, left-wing Americans often heard the phrase "If you don't like it, move to Russia!" Maybe its time to tell right-wing loons "If you don't like it, move to Iran!" - no abortions and lots of prayers in the classroom there!

Cheney to "redefine" role of former Vice-President.

Soon-to-be former Vice-President Dick Cheney has pledged to redefine the traditional role of the ex-Vice-President. In an interview with Newsifact, Mr Cheney stated "There is nothing in the Constitution that says that I cannot continue to play some sort of role," adding "Why do you think I get to keep the title? I will always be Vice-President Cheney - Vice President of what? So you see, this gives me special powers and I intend to use them."

When asked if simply and quietly going into retirement was an option, Mr Cheney stated "I am absolutely 100% certain that that would be a bad choice, especially at this time of great danger for America." Mr Cheney also expressed a view that a retired VP is in fact a member of the judicial-executive-legislative branch, but refused to explain why when pressed on the issue.

Pitt and Joile: "We don't understand why our baby is so ugly."

Hollywood couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have expressed concern about one of their babies born in July 2008 simply not being very nice to look at. "We are a pretty attractive pair of people," said Pitt "So we just don't get why one of our babies is so damn ugly. I mean really ugly! There is nothing wrong with it genetically or anything. You'd think with our genes, this wouldn't be possible."

UPDATE: Israel accuses Gazans of covering their children in ketchup to gain sympathy.

The Israeli Defence Force has accused Gazans of covering their children with tomato ketchup in order to gain the world's sympathy. "We have analysed several images, and we believe that simple culinary accidents involving tomato ketchup are being blown out of all proportion and used by the terrorists to weaken our resolve," said an IDF spokesperson.

Israel: Hamas must stop firing dead children into our territory.

In the midst of its almost two-week long offensive in Gaza, Israel again re-iterated today that Hamas must stop firing dead children into its territory. Hamas is believed to have adapted cannons used in circuses to fire the carcases of dead children into Israel, some reaching deep into its territory.

A dead Gazan child is loaded into a special adapted canon.

An IDF spokesperson said yesterday "We will not stop our offensive until these dead Palestinian children stop appearing on our streets." When asked where these dead children were coming from, the spokesperson declined to answer.

Al Gore slams Liverpool for too much Beatles "hot air."

Former US Vice-President Al Gore has slammed the British city of Liverpool for its emissions of high levels of "hot air" with regards to the city's association with the Beatles. Speaking at an event in London, the Nobel Prize-winning environmentalist stated "Look, we all love the Beatles, but Liverpool just can't stop droning on about how the Beatles came from Liverpool. This is creating large quantities of hot air that are directly contributing to global climate change." Mr Gore then presented several radar images, which appeared to suggest a particularly warm spot of air hanging over the city.

Vice-President Gore then called on Liverpool to introduce tough caps on the amount of time the city is allowed to mention its association with the Beatles. "Even a reduction of twenty percent could help the world combat excessive emissions," he noted, adding "Let's be honest, the Beatles left Liverpool as soon as they could and never came back. Besides, what has a city full of yobs got to do with a band that espoused creativity, peace and love? Nothing. And what has Liverpool contributed to the world since? Nothing, apart from that footballer who was arrested for assault the other day."

Liverpool City Council issued a response to Gore's statement within hours, noting "That is no way to talk about a city that gave the world the Beatles. If John Lennon were alive today, he would be appalled."